worthy of Agape

I've moved!  I will still be using my Blogger account to follow blogs, though I will no longer be posting my blogs here!  To follow my blog please visit worthyofAgape.com and like worthy of Agape on Facebook, and follow worthyofagape on Twitter!  Thank you all so much for the love and support, please continue to follow the blog and spread the word!

Yours through Mary and in Christ,
Amanda <3

spring break Up.

Before I begin I must say that I love Georgia boys, there is simply something about them that I can never put into words but they are, without a doubt, amazing.  I've even told Mr. Irish a time or two that the only way he could be more perfect is if he were a Georgia boy.  Alas, he is not.  Despite this song I still love Georgia boys and Luke Bryan, but this song makes me quite angry.

Rock or Knock: Knock.
Song: Spring Break-Up
Artist: Luke Bryan
Lyrics:
It was the last night at the Holiday Inn
There was a fire on the beach
I was trying to talk to some other girl
And she was bird dogging me
I finally had enough
I pulled over to the side
Brushed her hair back and looked her straight in the eye

It was a spring break-up,
Baby don't cry,
You ain't from here and neither Am I
We gotta little drunk
And had a good time
It's a Spring Break-up
Baby bye bye
Bye bye bye bye
Baby bye bye bye bye

No I don't need your number
Don't want to be your Facebook 'Friend'
I hate to break it to ya
But you won't ever see me again
If am a bad guy, well I don't mean to be
But there's a beach full of buddies
Acting just like me

Spring break-up,
Baby don't cry,
You ain't from here and neither Am I
I know we gotta little drunk
We had a good time
Now It's a Spring Break-up
Baby bye bye

Bye bye to the night that we shared
The memories we made on that ol' beach chair
So long to the beer in that kiss
Hope it don't take you long to get over this...

Spring break-up,
Baby don't cry,
You ain't from here and neither Am I
I know we gotta little drunk
And had a good time
Now It's a Spring Break-up

Spring break-up,
Baby don't cry,
You ain't from here and neither Am I
We gotta little drunk
We had a good time
Now It's a Spring Break-up
Baby bye bye

I will give Luke Bryan this: this song is catchy, but that is all I will positively say about this song.  I hate the end of the first verse when he brushes her hair back and looks her straight in the eye, you just know something bad is coming!  I love to have my hair brushed out of my face by the man I love but when you couple one of my favorite things with the horrid lines that follow in the chorus I want to punch someone!  The repetative 'bye bye' doesn't help things either, and I can't help but feel like he is mocking her as he says goodbye over and over again. 

Just say goodbye and be done, don't rub it in and break our hearts and say that you don't need our number, you don't want to be facebook friends, etc., etc.  Maybe it was a spring break hook-up (a topic completely separate from this blog) but that doesn't mean that our hearts don't get involved.  We are women and we are highly relational, our hearts can't help but get involved and invested and therefore broken when you turn out to be a jerk just like all of your buddies on the beach (as if their bad behavior makes yours okay).  If you didn't want to see me again and we aren't from the same place you could have been a man and not allowed/initiated the spring break hook-up in the first place and/or not been so drunk as to have a spring break hook-up.  All good things in moderation. 

So yes, bye bye to the night that we shared, and trust me, it won't take me long to get over a jerk like you anyway.  Thanks for nothing.  Avoid guys who think like this as though they have the plague and about 10 STDs, whether it is spring break, summer break or any given night at the bar.  They've got growin' up to do, and lots of it.

the Sacrifice.

If you asked just about any woman on the face of the planet if she wants passion in her romantic relationships I am willing to bet that nearly all of them would say YES!  Who doesn't want passion in their relationship?  A passionless relationship sounds pretty darn boring to me.  We all want that fire in a relationship, the kind that lifts you up, gives you butterflies and ignites our souls.  What I've come to realize in the last few days is that you can't have passion without sacrifice.

There is a quote I love that goes something like this, "it is not moments of unleashed passion that prove our love, but the countless hours of commitment spent between."  Brilliant quote and I've never been able to track down who wrote it or said it, but I'd like to edit their words just a bit, "It is not moments of unleashed passion that prove our love but the countless hours of sacrifice and commitment spent between."  You simply can't have passion without sacrifice.  If relationships were all about passion then there would be no stopping people from being passionate with people with whom they are not in relationship with.  It takes sacrifice to reserve that passion for the one you are in a relationship with. 

For months in this blog I went on about how a MAN should be, the kind of characteristics he should have, the kind of leader he should be, so on and so forth.  Maybe I wrote it and maybe I didn't, but a real man will sacrifice his own desires for passion for the sake of protecting you and your heart.  I touched on this idea in just A Kiss, that we don't throw ourselves into the fire of love.  A man sees where that line is in your relationship where the passion becomes too much and starts leading the both of you down a road of no return, and if he is a man, a true man, he will sacrifice his desire (and probably yours as well) to keep you both from going down that road of no return.  He will choose sacrifice over passion, especially if you are not yet married.  The choice is never really an easy one to make, that road is far too tempting at times, but if the relationship is going to continue to grow it is a sacrifice that must be made.  Better yet, if he is the best kind of man out there he will daily choose to sacrifice that desire by not engaging in any kind of activity that even opens the door to the road of no return.  That door is opened by different things for different people in different relationships.  For some it means no kissing at all, for some it means nothing more than pecking, for others it means no making out.  The line is something that is determined together but that discussion, I believe, is prompted by sacrifice and by choosing sacrifice and guarding the other persons's heart over the desire for unleashed passion.  I'll say it again: you can't have passion without sacrifice.  Want to know how I know that?  I look at Him:

The Passion = The Sacrifice of His Life.  We are called to imitate Him in all things and so we find that we can't have passion without sacrifice.  The two are linked and bound up so tightly in each other that they simply cannot be separated.  There is no passion without sacrifice.  To love is to sacrifice for the good of another.  He showed us how.  The only thing that remains is for us to follow in His example.

a thousand Years.

After much debate I decided to go back to an old favorite series but with a new twist!  I'm going to call this series "Rock or Knock" and I'll feature different songs that I (or you) love or dislike, hence the "knock" part.  I'm going to try to provide a nice little balance between awesome songs/artists and songs/artists you should generally avoid if you actually like it when your eardrums don't bleed.  The songs will probably be themed around love or lack thereof (the "knock" songs will probably fall into the second category as I have a few in mind that are a perversion of love), though I can't always promise a theme to the songs.  That being said, as always, I'm quite open to song suggestions or artists to check out!  Please leave suggestions!

Rock or Knock: ROCK.
Song: A Thousand Years
Artist: Christina Perri
Lyrics:
Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

[Chorus:]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

[Chorus: (x2)]
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

Words can hardly express how much I've fallen in love with this song, which is exactly why it has been on repeat for days now.  Despite the fact that this song was in a Twilight movie (which I usually ignore) I just can't get over the beauty of it! 

Oh, the glorious feeling of your heart beating fast, and thanks be to God that it doesn't just happen when you see that oh-so-cute someone!  Then, as we know all too well, the fear sets in and we find ourselves asking how can we brave, where is that strength within us?  Our pasts and the hurt from long-since-gone relationships threatens to overtake us and we begin to wonder how we can possibly love again when we are so darn afraid to fall.  Suddenly, in a majestical moment of clarity and divine intervention (at least when love is right) we see that person and somehow, some way, the doubt and the fear disappear and vanish into thin air.  For me it is kind of like incense rising up in prayer, it is beautiful to behold and I love to watch it vanish, which is the same way I feel about those fears and doubts that seek to overtake us.  Let them disappear like incense.

One step closer...I love this lyric perhaps the most.  Ok, that's not true, I don't know if I could pick my favorite if you made me but this one definitely ranks pretty high up there.  It reminds me a lot of not Myself (which was actually the first song I ever featured on this blog, fittingly enough).  Each day, each moment, each step we get one step closer to the person we are supposed to be and to the person that God intends us to spend the rest of our days with.  One step at a time.  It may be a slow and potentially painful process but if we take it one step at a time, taking time to enjoy the little moments along the way then the beauty of it all can shine forth. 

I could go on about this song forever and I just might.  The chorus!  "I have died every day waiting for you..." sounds a bit depressing, right?  Not at all!  It is not so much that I have died because you aren't here, it is that I have died to my desire for you to be here, right now, on my timeline.  I have died to that desire because I know it hasn't been time yet, but I also know that when it is time it will be glorious and I know that in the meantime my love for you only grows day by day, even if I don't yet know your face or your name, add one more day to the thousand years I've already loved you.  "Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years..." to some that might sound creepy.  To my hopelessly romantic heart it sounds amazing.  I remember when Mr. Irish and I first got together and we talked about how some people (most people, in fact) wait a certain amount of time before dropping the "L" bomb.  Some people are afraid of it, some people fear that it may change the dynamics of a relationship and not always in a good way.  We said it pretty early on, at least by most people's standards, and I can tell you that there was absolutely nothing scary about it.  In fact, it was one of the most beautiful moments in my entire life.  I have loved you for a thousand years and I'll love you for a thousand more...I hear that and I can't help but think of the love that God has for us and how He has loved us since the beginning of time and will never cease loving us.  One day in His courts are better than a thousand elsewhere, so what would a thousand years of His love be like?  Unimaginably beautiful. 

I will be brave.  I will not let anything take away what's standing in front of me, this is a true pledge of love.  Love, as I said earlier this week, motivates us to be more, it gives us the courage and the grace to be brave, to stand up in the face of anything - financial woes, job offers out of state, in-laws, etc. - and still choose love.  Love fills our hearts and drives our choices.  And just as each step has brought us closer, every breath, every hour has come to this, to love, to standing up against any and every other force in the universe and declaring your love, whether it be for your future spouse or for God or both, every second has come to this, to the defining moment of sharing that love or hiding it under a bushel basket, of saying yes or walking away.  It comes to this, it all comes to love. 

All along I believed I would find you, yet another beautiful declaration and pledge of love.  If you've read my blog at all before August of 2011 you'll know that in my heart I've always believed that love would come, that in time (God's, not mine!) Mr. Wonderful, Mr. Soulmate and I would meet.  How wonderful to be able to tell that person someday that you always believed you would find them.  How wonderful also to tell God that all along you knew you would find Him and once you get to Heaven to tell Him how much you've been waiting to see Him in all His glory.  "Time has brought your heart to me..." time, God, fate, destiny, call it what you will, the forces at work in the universe (I'm gonna go ahead and give God the credit on this one) have brought your heart to me and my heart to you.  I love that image...God giving my heart to my soulmate and Him giving me my soulmate's heart to guard, to keep, to cherish and to love.  Time and God have brought your heart to me, what a beautiful exchange of Love for love as we keep God in the middle of all that we are. 

One step closer...

**update**
One step closer to the person you are to become doesn't just apply to the time that we wait for our soulmates to come into our lives, it applies also to every day of the rest of our lives as we get one step closer to the saints we are all called to be. The relationships we enter in to are meant to continue moving us one step closer to perfection and to paradise.

One step closer...

meant to Change.

I heard a homily once about how God loves us too much to simply leave us where we are.  I've been thinking about that a lot the last few days, not only how God loves us too much to leave us where we are but how love is meant to change us.

Love of all kinds - be it family, romantic or divine - is meant to change us, to move us beyond who we are towards who we are to become, towards Saints.  Love, it is often said, is the most powerful force in all the world.  It can wake a sleeping beauty, it motivates people to fight wars to protect those they love, it lifts us up, encourages us, fills us with hope and so much more.  Love isn't just about the big things - going off to war, waking the sleeping beauty - it is about what it does to and for us each and every day.

I recently told Mr. Irish that love works when people have the other person's best interests and happiness at heart, that way neither one of the people in that relationship have to be selfish.  What I failed to realize is that I didn't have his best interests at heart.  It took a nice big metaphorical slap to the face to realize that my love for him wasn't as true as it should have been or could have been.  My love wasn't moving me to become a better person, it had become an excuse to demand and require things of our relationship.  I won't lie to you, it wasn't pretty and I'm not proud of the person I had become.  What I've come to realize in the days following that metaphorical slap to the face is that love is supposed to change us, it doesn't just leave us where we are.  My love for Mr. Irish changes me and it changes me for the better.  It changes me into a person who is less selfish and more other-focused.  The love we have for each other changes us, it allows us to grow together, to lean on each other and to become the best versions of ourselves that we can be.  For a long time I thought that this love would come along and we would just magically meet up and go on down the yellow brick road of life together.  What I'm coming to realize, however painfully beautiful it may be, is that it isn't always that easy.  This love, wonderful as it is, has come along and is challenging me to change, to grow, to evolve and to be a holier person.  I can walk away and not accept the challenge or I can take the good (the love) with the bad (the diffculity of being challenged and changing).  I can also recognize that what I perceive as bad - because I can be so stubborn - can really be a good thing, especially if it gets me closer to Heaven.  The choice is mine to make.

The same is true (as it all too often is) with our relationship with God.  The love I have for God changes me, and it changes me for the better.  It challenges me to see the sin in my life and to work to become a better, holier person.  Love works with God when I learn to become Him-centered, and believe you me, that is no easy task.  God is Love and therefore is always other-focused.  He always has my best interests and happiness at heart and our relationship flourishes when I strive to please Him and it flounders when I become self-centered.  The love that flows between God and I allows me to grow, to lean on Him more and to become the best version of myself.  God, in His infinite perfection, does not need to grow or lean on me and He already is the best version of Himself. 

Love, in all of its forms, is meant to change us.  The only question that remains is whether or not we will let it.

welcome to my Confessional.

I don't even know how many times I've said it before, but it never ceases to be true: sometimes writing a blog is a bit like going to confession for the whole world to hear.  Today as I sat down to write the blog I felt pretty confident about the topic - I've had it in my mind since the middle of last week.  It sounded great...until I sat down to write it and realized how personal it is, how revealing it is and how much I'd rather write about something less personal and less revealing.  However, even though it may be a bit personal and a bit revealing and might not paint me in the brightest of lights, I'm going to blog about it anyway because I think the point of it is worth it.  Here goes nothing...bless me bloggers, for I have sinned...


Last week I had a friend from college visit me.  It was awesome because she had never been to Colorado and I hadn't seen her in a year so it was great to catch up and show her around my home state and introduce her to "real" mountains as I kept calling them.  On the down side it meant that I had less time to talk to, much less spend with Mr. Irish.  Yes, some time apart is good every now and then, but the fact that we only spent a few minutes talking each night got to me.  It was nice to talk to him but I wanted more than just a conversation about how nice the weather was that day, I wanted to know what was going on in his heart.

Then it hit me.  That is exactly how I get with God sometimes.  I pray for a few minutes before falling asleep and I have a nice, quick conversation about how today was a fine day or whatever and then I crash.  He wants from me the same thing I want from Mr. Irish - more than just a few minutes of empty conversation.  He is happy I talk to Him, I have no doubt, but that doesn't mean that He doesn't want more.  He wants to know my heart, He wants me to tell Him about what is going on in my heart, what I think of what is going on in my life.  He wants to truly know me.  He'll take my short conversations at the end of the day but He wants more from me - He wants my heart, all of it.  He doesn't want me to hold back and there is no sense in thinking that I can protect Him from whatever I'm going through.  There is no lying to Him, no faking it, He knows better and because I love Him, He deserves more.  He deserves more than empty conversations filled with empty words, He deserves my heart, all of my fears, all of my worries, and every thing that I am going through.  My love for Him moves me to share all of my heart with Him, even if it doesn't make Him the proudest Father ever.  My love for Him moves me to share my heart with Him even if I fear how He will react and even if I fear making Him ashamed or disappointed in me.  I trust that He will still love me, otherwise I shouldn't even bother pretending to have a relationship with Him in the first place.  Lying to Him, telling Him half-truths, or holding out on Him because I somehow think I am protecting Him from my feelings - however scary or painful or hurtful they may be - does neither of us any good.  A relationship - with humans or with God - can only grow if honesty abounds within it's walls.  Love, if it is true and real, has the ability to move us beyond fear to a place of total honesty and trust. 

The question then becomes, do I love God enough to give Him more than just a few empty minutes at the end of my day, or do I not?  If not, then who am I trying to fool?  God is no fool, He already knows my heart, so who am I deceiving in this relationship?  It is time to come out of the confessional, call a spade a spade and be real with God, or else I risk losing Him altogether, not because He doesn't love me enough, but because I don't love Him with all that I am.

snoozing it Up.

Before I begin with the *last* of my "Lenten" blog series I want to say that I have really enjoyed writing something Lenten every week, it helped keep me focused on Lent and on Christ's struggles.  That being said, I figured I would wrap up this series with a few final thoughts on my Lenten sacrifice and what it means to be in the Easter season.  Also, I am taking suggestions (comment below!) for the theme of this Wednesday series from here on out.  I know I have a few series that I've done before and I'm okay with picking up one of those again but I'd love to hear from you as to what you would like to read!  Comment away!

Oh Easter, how I love that you have brought my snooze button back to me.  Giving up my snooze button (as I've said before) taught me that sleeping in wasn't the only thing I was "sleeping" on.  There are times that there seems to be so much to do in a day that I wonder how I'm ever going to get it all done.  Then I look at the days and weeks ahead and simply want to get to a time where my life isn't so chaotic.  I realized a few days ago that once again I've double or even triple booked myself because there seems to be so much to do that I struggle to remember it all.  It is humbling to remember that I can't be in two or three places at once and it is in those moments of humility that I wake up to what is really important in life.  The tasks at my job are important but they aren't, at the end of the day, what truly matters to me.  What matters most are people, relationships, and, of course, God.  What matters most are the people I think of in my waking moments and the memories I recall as I close my eyes to sleep.  What matters most is family, loved ones and the beauty of the created world.  Everything else is just details.

So, as I've gone back to pushing my snooze button - not as frequently, I might add - I still try to take time to be awake.  Some mornings I push the snooze button and then lay there and say a few extra prayers for those people who first crossed my mind as I awoke.  Sometimes being awake means that I don't doodle during staff meetings.  Sometimes being awake means putting in the extra effort to talk to a friend even if I'm tired and worn out.  My point is that there are different ways of being awake and while I am certainly glad I get to push my snooze button on my alarm clock again, I'm praying that this Lent taught me to not push the snooze button on life anymore - it goes by too fast and it is far too easy to miss the beauty of life for the finite details of it all.  May we all be fully awake and may we never miss the beauty of life in all its glorious splendor, not for anything.

Just a little funny for you on this Easter Wednesday:

twas the night Before...

...Easter, and I couldn't sleep.

Welcome back happy Easter people!  I pray that your Holy Week, Triduum and Easter were full of blessings, joy and love!  I must say, I actually kind of enjoyed the break from blogging - its the first ever break I've taken from blogging since I started the blog and it was refreshing but I'm glad to be back!

Anyway...it was the night before Easter and I couldn't sleep.  It felt, in a lot of ways, like the night before Christmas felt when I was a child.  All I could think as I was laying there praying to fall asleep (I had to be up at 4am so I could be at the church in time for sound check before Mass) was that all over the world the sun was coming up and that the Son was coming up.  The sun was rising and bringing the Good News that the Son had also arisen.  As I laid wide awake I simply couldn't get over this notion that literally all over the world people were beginning to celebrate the joy of His Resurrection!  I so badly didn't want to be in my bed waiting for morning to come, I wanted to fly to where ever they were and celebrate with them the most joyous feast of our faith!

Then, slowly, the hour finally came (and believe you me, when my alarm went off at 4am I really wanted to press that snooze button, but more on that later) when it was time to get up and head to the church.  Finally!  The sun rose during Mass as we celebrated the Son rising!  What a beautiful scene to be sure!  At the end of the day, worn out and tired from all of the fantastic festivities, one simple though ran through my brain: I have to blog tomorrow.  Well, that and one other thought, which I will leave you with as I dip my toes back into blogging: Easter isn't a feast, it isn't just one Sunday, it isn't just the Easter bunny coming to leave you with lots of candy to rot out your teeth, it is a season, and it has just begun.  Jesus has yet to ascend to His heavenly Father so let us celebrate, let the joy reign in our hearts this Easter season, for He has conquered sin and death and I for one can think of no greater reason to rejoice!

"Do not abandon yourselves to despair.  We are the Easter people and hallelujah is our song!" - Blessed Pope John Paul II


***nerdy theological tid-bit: the word "hallelujah" comes from the Hebrew words "hallel" and "YHWH".  "Hallel" means to praise and "YHWH" is the Jewish name for God so the word "hallelujah" or its Greek counterpart, "alleluia" literally means Praise God!***

love or Security?

It is a fair question and one I've been pondering for days now. Love or security? I thought long and hard about making the title "security or Love?" so that love could be capitalized but the truth is that all too often we value security over love. Sometimes it isn't a choice, sometimes we get both love and security, but sometimes we don't. Before I really dive into this week's Lenten (and life) reflection I should also mention that I won't be blogging next week during Holy Week. There is something fantastic about Holy Week and I always try to give up a little something extra during those days to really focus on the mysteries and the Passion that are unfolding before us. Pray for me and I'll be praying for you and I promise to be back blogging after Easter!

In Friendships

It is a different kind of 'love' in regards to friendships. The Greeks would call it "phila" or brotherly love. In friendships we choose love or security. There have been a few friends I've struggled with lately and not knowing where our friendship stands. When they do call or when I call or text them we both make a choice of love or security. We can choose love and open our hearts to each and continue to grow our friendship, or we can choose security and decide for ourselves not to continue opening our hearts because we don't trust the stability of our friendship. The choice is ours to make, sometimes we choose love and sometimes we choose security because we'd rather not spend the time spilling our souls to someone who may or may not be there for us next week or even tomorrow.

In Relationships

This weekend I was reminded of a couple I know that got married fairly quickly by most people's standards and now have two kids. Because of their financial commitments and their jobs and children they really don't see much of each other. Yet when I see them it is quite evident how much they love each other, it quite literally radiates out of both of them, and you can see it in their children as well. They chose love over security. They may not have had their lives all put together before they got married but they chose love and that choice affects everything else in their lives. They, against all odds, find a way to make it work, to keep their love alive and still provide for their children.

This is a choice we also make. Perhaps if we always choose security over love then we'd never be in relationships in the first place. Let's face it, relationships are hard work. If I chose security over love then I wouldn't still be with Mr. Irish, the tough times would be the death of us because we both would start to doubt the strength and stability of our relationship. Even when it gets tough, we choose love. Does that mean we'll get married right away? Not necessarily. The choice between love and security penetrates deep into every relationship and every decision a couple faces - do we buy a house even though the money isn't all there right now? Do we have a child right now (or another child) or do we wait until our jobs are more consistent? Do we move to another state to pursue our dreams, even though the chances might not be high that we'll actually achieve our dreams? Each decision, in some way or another, comes down to love or security. Or, as some might phrase it, faith or stability? I can stay right here and hope for the best or I can walk out of my box and pray the risk pays off. It makes me think of Boy Meets World when Topanga gets into Yale (was it Yale? Some Ivy League school) and yet she chooses to go to the same college as Cory. Topanga at some point gets a job offer, a great job offer, but it means that Cory and Topanga would have to move; love or security. Choices we all must face, choices that get at the very heart of who we are and what we want out of life.

In Faith

I can't help but think of Peter walking on the water. He stepped out in faith and in love, but he chose to cling to the security of the boat instead of God's love and he began to sink. The apostles hid in the Upper Room after Jesus died - the choice was to love Him and stand out in the crowds for doing so, or stay safely locked away in the Upper Room; love or security. The apostles, in the end, made their choices. Some, like Judas, chose security as He sold Jesus' whereabouts to the chief priests. Peter, at least for a while, chose the security of denying he knew Jesus because denying Him was easier than admitting he had been one of Jesus' closest friends - the risk (death) was too overwhelming for him. Thomas too chose the security of seeing and touching the wounds of Jesus over loving Him and believing that He had risen without seeing Him. Others, like Paul, chose love over security. Paul, prior to his little trip on the road to Damascus, had a pretty nice life, he was well taken care of and well regarded by his peers. He left that all behind and chose love when Jesus knocked him off his horse on the way to Damascus. Peter, too, in the end, chose love. Peter preached and spread the Gospel as well and in the end all of his security was gone. He was caught, arrested and set to die. However, he chose love so strongly over security that he requested to be crucified upside because he didn't feel he was worthy to die in the same way Jesus did; love over security.

The apostles made their choices and now it is time for us to make ours. As we approach Holy Week, what will you choose? Love or security? Security or love? What is more important to you? Do you dare take off Good Friday, lose one of your sick days and sit in church and pray and remember the Passion? Or do you sit at your desk and then get up at 3pm to pray and remember? Or do you chose the security of your job over the love poured out on the Cross? Do you chose to stand as a witness and love Christ with all you have or will next week pass the same as every other has? Will you sacrifice a little more for Him as He lays down His life for you? The choice is yours, Jesus already made His. He could have run away from the Garden of Gethsemane. He could have called the angels to take Him down from the Cross. He could have escaped the scourging at the pillar. Through it all, He chose love over security, every single time. Will you?

falling Asleep.

Nearly a year ago to the day I wrote a blog called "awakened Heart".  In it I wondered how the apostles could ever fall asleep in the Garden of Gethsemane with Jesus.  Jesus just wanted to spend some time praying with His closest and most trusted friends because He knew His hour was just before Him, and yet His apostles, His best friends fell asleep.

Last Friday I went to a Stations of the Cross service put on by some teens at a local parish.  In their prayer service they talked about the apostles falling asleep in the Garden.  As the teens led the meditation I couldn't help but wonder who I've "fallen asleep" on lately.  Who among my friends and who among God's children is in the Garden of Gethsemane, stressed and overwhelmed and just needs some time with someone who cares about them?  Have I fallen asleep on them?

I'm sure we could all list people who we feel have fallen asleep on us, who fail to show us love or caring as deep as we wish they would, but we also need to be sure to pay attention to who we have fallen asleep on.  Since I've given up my snooze button for Lent God has shown me just how often I push the snooze button and not just in the mornings.  It is time to wake up, to wake up to prayer and to not fall asleep on our friends who need us.  In the Gospel reading yesterday Jesus prayed, "I am troubled now.  Yet what should I say?  'Father, save me from this hour?'  But it was for this purpose that I came to this hour" (John 12:27).  Sometimes in life we don't get to avoid the Garden of Gethsemane.  Sometimes we are in that Garden for a very specific reason, but wouldn't that Garden be so much easier to handle if our friends were awake with us, supporting us, encouraging us and praying for us?

That being said, here's a few ideas I've come up with on how to be awake for your friends and the people you care about most:

Listen.  Shut up and listen, even if they can sometimes go on about the same things.  Why do we go on and on in prayer sometimes?  Because God listens.  Do the same thing with your friends and loved ones.

Call them.  Actually pick up the phone and call, don't just wimp out and send a text.

Pray for them.  Intentionally - and the more you actually talk to them, the more intentionally you can pray for them instead of simply asking God to watch over and guide them.

Finally, as Howie Day sings, "if you're gonna be there, be there."  Period.

do you want It?

"Do you want to be well?" - John 5:6

Jesus asks this question to a man who had been ill for nearly four decades.  Jesus knew this man was ill and yet He asked, "do you want to be well?"  It is a question He asks all of us, "do you want to be well?"  We say we want to be well, we say we want to be happy, but what are we really doing about it?  Are we constantly sitting and complaining about the same things over and over again (God knows I've been doing this lately) or are we actually going to do something about it?  Are we going to take our brokenness, our emptiness to the One who bought our brokenness with His life?  (see Matthew 27:3-10.)

The more I think about it and the more I pray about the more I come to realize that God loves our brokenness and our emptiness.  The Christian songs seem to sing all about it lately:
"Find You when there's nothing left of me to offer You except for brokenness" - "Find You On My Knees" by Kari Jobe
"I find you when I fall apart/Blessed are the ones who understand we got nothing to bring but empty hands/nothing to hide and nothing to prove/our heartbreak brings us back to you" - "Fall Apart" by Josh Wilson
"This is my prayer in the desert, and all that's within me feels dry" - "Desert Song" by Hillsong
"So empty my hands..." - "Empty My Hands" by Tenth Avenue North
"Jesus, keep my heart alive...from a world that's breaking right before my eyes" - "Keep My Heart Alive" by Sanctus Real

We are broken.  We are empty.  And God loves it all.  Jesus paid the price for the Potter's Field with His death.  Think of the parables: God rejoices over finding the lost sheep, He rejoices over finding the lost coin.  Said another way, God rejoices over our bringing our brokenness and our emptiness to Him and Him alone.  Being the loving Father that He is, He would rather we bring our brokenness to Him instead of offering it to a human or to some new addiction.  He made us for Himself and we become whole by clinging to the One who is never broken, never changing and never failing.  Just as He rejoices over the lost sheep and the lost coin in the parables Jesus tells, so too He rejoices when we come to Him with nothing to offer but our broken and empty hearts.  He knows we will experience trails and suffering in this life (remember John 16:33) but He encourages us by overcoming those trails.  God doesn't love that you are broken.  God never wanted you to be broken or to suffer.  Our God is a loving God but since sin entered the world our suffering became inevitable.  God does love when we bring Him all of our broken pieces.  Matthew West sings about this in his song "All The Broken Pieces", "so lift them up to me, all the broken pieces...Did you hear what I said?  Did you read the words I wrote down in red?  I was once broken for you..." (emphasis mine).  Jeses was broken for us. 

So He asks us, "do you want to be well?"  Well, do you?  Are you going to bring Him all of the pieces of your heart, all of your emptiness?  Only then can He heal you.  In Lent we are broken and suffering as Jesus was broken and suffering in the wilderness.  Only by leaning in, only by bringing Him all of our brokenness and emptiness can we be healed and rise with Jesus on Easter.

Do you want to be well?

emptied Again.

"I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow" - Desert Song

Chew on that for a while.  I know I have been.  I first heard this song Saturday night and that line stuck out to me as if it had been the only lyric in the entire song.  I talk a lot about the desert and my love for the desert (the spiritual desert, not so much actual deserts) but this line just struck me.  I know I'm filled to be emptied again.  We have to be filled first, but we aren't filled to stay filled forever, we are filled to be emptied again.  Over and over again.

Today, instead of blogging all about the desert and Lent, I'll simply share my prayer with you that came out of this verse:

"Fill me up, Lord.  The emptying out, at least in the service of others, brings glory to You.  When we are emptied for Your sake we shall be filled all the more to the brim with Your love and mercy.  Empty me, Lord, empty me of all that keeps me from You so that I may be full only of You.  Then, being full of You, may You help me pour my heart out again.  There is beauty in this cycle - open my eyes to see it.  Empty my heart.  Strip me of everything that is not of or from You.  Empty me to fill me up again.  Fill me up to empty me.

As the waters of Your love flow into my heart, may they overflow to Your children.  May I be filled to be emptied.  May I take the time to allow You to fill my heart.  I can't give what I don't have.  I can't continue to feed others if I'm not being fed.  Feed me.  Fill me.  Wash me clean in Your love.  Fill me up to empty me just as You filled Your Son to empty Him out on the Cross.  Unite my sufferings with His.  Fill my heart and empty it, may the filling and the emptying be like the waves of the ocean, the tide comes in and the tide goes out.  Rest my heart.  Rest my heart in this continual filling up and emptying out.  This is my prayer in the harvest.  This is my prayer in the desert.  Fill my heart with all that is You, empty my heart of everything that is not.  AMEN."

wake Up!

We are now in the third week of Lent and I could almost promise you that Ash Wednesday was...today.  It goes so fast and as I reflect on what I've given up I decided to share a bit about my Lenten journey (so far).

I gave up my snooze button.  Before Lent I had gotten into this habit of setting three alarms every morning and pushing the snooze button on each of them as many times as I could.  It had gotten to the point where I set an alarm for an hour before I actually had to get up because that's how long it took me to wake up.  It was lazy and annoying but I couldn't really break the cycle.  I was in love with my snooze button, so it had to go.

I should also preface that, as a youth minister, there really aren't any days that I have to be anywhere terribly early.  Most of the time I don't go into the office until after noon anyway, but that doesn't mean I want to spend my entire morning sleeping.  Tuesdays, however, we have staff meetings at 9:30am.  So, Mr. Irish and I go to Mass at 6:30am and then I head into the office.  The first Tuesday of Lent was my real test of giving up the snooze button.  The other days I could do okay without it and be just fine, Tuesday, however, I had to get up.  My first thought waking up was, "I could just set another alarm and that's not pushing the snooze button..." as if I didn't know better, as if Jesus didn't know better.  I turned my alarm off and promptly fell back asleep.  God didn't want me to miss Mass so I woke up a few minutes later in a total panic and I was up for good.

In the days since that first Tuesday I've still struggled to get up when my alarm goes off.  I fall back asleep.  I tell myself I only need five more minutes.  The panic sets in and I wake up freaking out and that doesn't really put me in the best of moods.  Instead of setting my alarm for an hour before I need to be off, I set it for exactly when I need to be up.  Any later and I'll be running around like a chicken with my head cut off (also not my favorite way to start the day, I like starting off slow and enjoying the day rather than rushing around).

Here's what I've learned so far this Lent by giving up my snooze button:

1. Giving up my snooze button (which is usually my first conscious thought in the morning) causes me to FIRST think of Jesus.  I wake up and I think "snooze button" which is quickly followed by "LENT!"  It forces me to remember and think of Jesus as my first real thought of the day.  Even when I want more sleep, waking up to thinking of Him and His sacrifices is a much better way to start my day.  It gives purpose to what I do that day and every day.
2. Jesus knows when I'm slacking.  There was one day that I forgot and pushed my snooze button.  I hit that magic button and then before my head even hit the pillow I felt so guilty that I got up anyway.  He doesn't let me fall asleep on Him.
3. Jesus knows when I'm cheating, and not just in my Lenten sacrifice.  When I try to negotiate with myself and think, "I'll just set another alarm instead" He whispers to me that I know setting another alarm is bascially the same as pressing the snooze button.  If I have enough energy to set another alarm then I have enough energy to get up.  The same is true in my faith life, if I have enough energy to justify one sin or another then I have enough energy and will power to avoid that sin in the first place.

I got tired of sleeping through alarm after alarm.  By giving up my snooze button not only am I waking up in a better mood in the morning, I'm also learning that I'm tired of sleeping through Him and my commitments to Him.  It is time to wake up, and not just because the snooze button isn't an option anymore.  It is time to wake up to Him, to my love for Him and to honor Him more fully.

Have I mentioned that I love Lent?  Happy sacrificing!

prove your Love.

Happy 100th blog to me!  And to you, my awesome readers!  Crazy to think this is my 100th post...I feel like it should be something totally awesome and amazingly inspiriing...I hope it is!

"It is not moments of unleashed passion that prove our love, but the countless hours of commitment spent between" - Unknown

I've been reflecting on that quote a lot in the last few weeks.  It is full of wisdom and not just for those of us in relationships.  We prove our friendship, our loyalty, our honesty not just in moments of unleashed passion, we prove our friendship is the hours spent between.  We prove our friendship to those friends we have moved away from by calling and texting them to check in and tell them we are thinking about them.  We prove our love by making time for the ones we care about.  We prove our love by not taking advantage of those we love, and by not growing complacent and thinking or hoping they will always be there for us.  We prove our love not by hoping or believing that they will always come back to us, but by constantly giving them reasons to come back to our love and our friendship.  As my mother always said, we have time for what we make time for. 

This quote hit me upside the head last week when I found out that one of my friends from college has gone missing.  We were never really the best of friends in college and truth be known there were times he really, really, really got on my nerves.  Yet that quote makes me think, did we, the people that knew him, do enough in the hours in between to prove our love?  Did we show him that we cared, that we valued him, that we were glad we knew him?  I really and truly hope so.  If we didn't then I hope that it isn't too late to show him how much we appreciate him.

The more I live it, the more I am convinced that life isn't really about moments.  Yes, moments are wonderful and they get us through, they fill us with hope and joy, but moments are not what life is made of.  Life is made of the everyday, the little things between the moments.  That is when we prove our love, that is when we show what we are really made of.  When my campus minister told me her love story in college she said that when she and her husband fell in love it wasn't primarily about the firework moments with them.  Sure, there were firework moments, but that's not what led her to fall in love with him.  She fell in love with him because of all the little things in between.  The love between the moments was what kept (and I'm willing to bet still keeps) their love alive. 

Are we people made of moments who hope for the best between those moments?  Do we take for granted those people that we love and fail to put in the effort required to maintain a good friendship or relationship?  Or do we live fully between those moments?  Do we take advantage of opportunities to show our love in the little ways?  Show your commitment in the hours between.  Do something nice for someone you care about today.  But don't just do it today.  Do it everyday, because they are worth it.  Send them a nice text to tell them that you appreciate them.  Mail them a card.  Pick a flower for them.  Pick up the phone and call them.  Listen to their struggles.  Remember, love is not a fight but it is worth fighting for.  Prove your love. 

air in the Tires.

Sometimes when I drive around town I have this odd habit of checking out other cars' tires.  Sometimes they are low and really could use more air, sometimes they are nearly flat, and sometimes they are right where they should be, nice and plump and full of air.  Most people know that when a car's tires have the proper amount of air in them the car gets better gas mileage, which saves the owner money in the long run.  Checking the air pressure in your tires is a good thing to do, not only for the safety of your tires and those riding in your car, but as a way to save money by getting better mileage.

The same is true for our spiritual life.  We, like most cars, have four tires, or four pillars.  The Catechism of the Catholic Church defines the four pillars as follows: The Profession of Faith, The Celebration of the Christian Mystery, Life in Christ, Christian Prayer.  For the purposes of the analogy to tires I'd summarize the four pillars like this: The Meaning Behind Our Words, The Sacraments, Community and Fellowship, Prayer.  Just as on a car each tire must be filled so that the car can progress forward, so too must each of our tires be filled so that we may continue forward on our journey to Heaven, and what better time than Lent to fill up your tires?

The Meaning Behind Our Words
All too often we say things that we don't really mean.  Other times we say words that we mean, but we fail to put them into action.  We should always strive to say what we mean and mean what we say, lest this tire will go flat.  It is crucial that our words ring true because your words, your witness could be the only time a person ever sees Christ.  Will that person look up and see your false, meaningless words, or will they see the love of Christ flowing through you?

The Sacraments
How close are you to the Sacraments?  The Sacraments give us the grace and the drive to keep all of our others tires filled.  The Sacraments are where we meet Christ, the source of the fullest tires of available.  We meet Him and He not only breathes life into us, He breathes life into our tires, filling them up so that we can do more, go farther and get as close to Heaven as possible.  Maybe this is the tire you need to fill up the most on during Lent.  Been a while since you've been to confession?  Go.  I know you may not like confession, maybe you think it is better if you confess your sins to God instead of a priest, just cut out the middle man, right?  Maybe, but there is nothing more healing than literally hearing the words spoken out loud, "You are forgiven."  I need to hear them, to accept His loving forgiveness as He acts through His priests.  Visit www.masstimes.org to find a Catholic Church near you and figure out when they offer confessions.  Most parishes will offer Lenten penance services with numbers of priests on hand so you can go confess your sins to a priest you don't know.

Haven't been to Mass lately?  Check out that same website for Mass times at local parishes.  Jesus waits in the tabernacle, He invites you to His last supper, He invites you to dine with Him, every single day.  Join Him.  Let Him fill your tires with air so they don't end up flat and leave you stranded.

Community and Fellowship
I've said it before, you simply can't have spirituality without religion or religion without spirituality.  You can try all you want to divorce the two, but they need each other like peanut butter needs jelly (only way more intensely).  We can't have tires filled with the Sacraments and what we believe without living out our beliefs with other like-minded people.  We need community and fellowship to build us up, to encourage us when we are struggling and to strengthen our hearts for the battle at hand.  No man is an island and I can't say that I've seen anyone driving a one-wheeled car to work lately.

Prayer
This tire requires discipline.  No one is really going to hold a gun to your head and tell you to pray (though I can bet that if someone is holding a gun to your head you will be praying whether they tell you to or not).  Pray outside of Mass, pray outside of the Sacraments, outside of penance.  Take an extra five minutes a day and pray.  Take an extra hour of adoration once a week during Lent and spent time with our Lord.  Read the daily readings if you can't make it to Mass (click on the appropriate day on the calendar for each day's readings).  Read a chapter of the Bible.  Journal.  Pray the Rosary.  Read a section of the Catechism.  Write someone a nice letter each day of Lent telling them how much you appreciate them.  Go to a Bible study (that can knock out prayer AND fellowship and community).  Find a youth group or a young adult group to attend or help out with.  Pray a novena.  Read about the lives of the Saints.  Fill yourself with God so that He may fill others through you.

This Lent, fill your tires with Christ.  Fill them with all the richness of our beautiful Catholic faith so that not only will you get better mileage on your car and save time (because you won't have to stop fix flats), but you will journey closer to Heaven and closer to the Heart of Christ.  Isn't that what Lent is all about? 

history Repeats.

Chances are that you have probably heard the phrase, "history repeats itself" at least once in your life time.  Chance are also pretty high that you have at least one example in your own life of history repeating itself.  I know I do.

Last night I played my violin at Mass and as I played the opening song I looked up and as if he was the only person in the congregation I spotted an ex-boyfriend.  The story of our break-up is a sad and long one that no longer bears repeating, nor is it important or relevant to the point of this blog.  I looked up and as I saw him my knee jerk reaction was to run.  Call it the "fight or flight" response if you want, when it comes to this ex I pretty much always want to run.  It wouldn't have been hard to run either, I was standing by the stairs and could have taken the side door out of the church and been gone (as if leaving dinner with Jesus because my ex was invited would have been an appropriate choice...and in a way that is a preview of Heaven; will I choose to turn away from eternal bliss because I don't like everyone inside?  I should hope not, but that's an entirely different blog).  I could have. 

Even now as I sit here and remember being there last night I remember how much I wanted to run, to leave, to not look at him, to not be there in that church with him anywhere near me.  I also knew that Mr. Irish was standing behind me playing as well, and I don't have any desire for the two of them to ever meet.  I told Mr. Irish last night that the two of them meeting sounds like a living nightmare to me.  Some things, some people, some situations are better left in the past.  Maybe, by some freak accident my ex is reading this blog, maybe he isn't.  Either way, I still wanted to run.  We broke up nearly a year and a half ago and I see him and that fight or flight response kicks in (and the only place I seem to run into him lately is at church, ironically enough).  Last night as I stood there during Mass I finally figured out why I always want to run.  I don't want history to repeat itself.

That's not to say that I think for a second that I would go running back to him, God knows I wouldn't, and not just because Mr. Irish is in my life.  I wouldn't go running back to him because when we were together I was weak.  I never really stood up for myself.  Remember how I said that I sometimes throw cotton balls at Mr. Irish?  I don't think I ever threw anything as hard as a cotton ball at my ex.  Mr. Irish saw that I was becoming weak and he challenged me to be stronger, he pushed me and encouraged me to be the strong woman he first fell in love with.  My ex did no such thing.  If anything, he took full advantage of my weakness.  It is no surprise then when I see him that I want to run.  I don't want to be weak anymore, and being around him I ended (past tense!) up being weak.  So why run, you ask?  Running seems to be the weak option.  The stronger option would be to go up to him and give him a piece of my mind, not sit here and write a blog about it.  The stronger option would be to go out to the parking lot and deck him (don't worry, I'd never do that).  The stronger option would perhaps be to go up to him (with or without Mr. Irish at my side) and show him just how much stronger and happier I am now.  The stronger option would be to show him that I am better off without him.  Perhaps those are all true.  It's not that I don't do those things because I am still weak.  I pray that I am not.  I don't do them because, at least in my mind, he no longer deserves any of those things.  I'm quite fine with him seeing me at Mass and seeing how happy I am.  I'm quite fine with him seeing me sit with Mr. Irish during the homily.  In my own way that is me being stronger.  I want to run because I want to be done, I want to move on with my life.  I want to spend my days with a man who actually encourages and appreciates my strength, not tears it down. 

Yes, history repeats itself.  But it only repeats itself if we allow it to.  I could be in the same boat with Mr. Irish that I was in with my ex, I could be weak and I could never stand up for myself.  Our relationship could come to a bitter and painful end.  Or, I could find that inner strength, that strength that comes from God and I can stand in a church with Mr. Irish and my ex and I can survive.  Someday, God willing, I'll stand in that situation and thrive, knowing that history will never repeat itself again.  I also think it is incredibly fitting that the only times I've run into my ex in the last few months have been in church.  In line for confession.  At Mass.  The option to run then looked foolish because I would not only be running away from my ex, I'd be running away from the Sacraments, from grace, from His unending love.  When you are faced with the choice of fight or flight, when you think that history may be repeating itself, turn to God.  Turn to the Sacraments.  Ask His help to keep history from repeating itself and I can promise you that if you open your heart to Him, He will walk you through the pains of your past and into a brighter future.

nasty Tastes.

Have you ever eaten a meal that was SO good when you ate it and then everytime you burped for the rest of the day you could taste it again?  I'm sure you have.  Most people have, most people don't mind re-tasting the good meals.

Have you ever eaten a great meal only when you burped it tasted gross?  And no matter what you did you seemed to keep burping and keep tasting that nasty taste?  Probably.  You thought when you were eating it that it was so delicious and you thoroughly enjoyed the meal...the first time around at least.

Have you ever eaten the worst meal ever and then had to re-taste it with every burp?  You brush your teeth, you chew gum, you eat mints and nothing seems to get rid of that horrid burping regurge.  It was gross going down and the fact that you are constantly reminded of that horrible meal is incredibly annoying.

Well, we've all had these experiences.  Sometimes we don't have to re-taste our meals when we burp and that is often a beautiful thing.  Yesterday I had a great lunch.  It was our monthly "eating meeting" at work where we all bring in food and have a potluck staff meeting and the main course was Margherita Pizza.  It was fresh, homemade and absolutely delicious...the first time around.  I spent the rest of the day (even after dinner) re-tasting the pizza and I can promise you that it got worse with every burp.  And I seemed to burp more (lady like burps, of course) yesterday than usual (and isn't that always the case?).  The more I tried to fight it - teeth brushing, eating other foods, gum, etc. - the worse it seemed to get.  It was in my attempt to stop the re-tasting of the once-lovely pizza that I realized that these experiences with our meals are much like sin and good deeds in our lives, and how beautiful to realize this during Lent.

Let me spell it out:
Sometimes we "eat" good things, we put ourselves in good situations.  We go to Mass, we spend some time in the chapel, we pray our Rosaries and life is beautiful.  When we eat good things, we burp good things.  As a result of going to Mass, etc., we are more peaceful, joyful people.  Life is good.

Sometimes we "eat" things we think are good, they taste good at the time.  We sleep a little extra instead of going to Mass.  We go out with a friend instead of going to confession when we know we should go get our souls cleaned.  The things we "eat" seem good at the time, but when we burp we discover they weren't that good in the first place.  We don't start our day with Mass so we get annoyed at the car in front of us in traffic, then we get annoyed with our co-workers and the bad day snow-balls into a horrid day.  We had a great time with our friend but because we didn't go to confession we keep adding sins to our already long list of sins and our souls remain dirty.  The burps taste worse and worse.

Sometimes we "eat" bad things.  We go out and party, we drink too much, we gossip, we spend too much money, etc.  We know these things aren't really good for us and we do them anyway.  And yet for some reason we are shocked when the burps taste bad.  We oversleep our alarm clocks and are late for work, we spend the day fighting a hangover, we hurt someone with our gossip, we don't have enough money to pay for our car payments or for food to eat.  We eat bad things and we burp bad things.  We try to cover up this bad burp taste by stopping the partying, the drinking, the gossip, the over-spending, etc., but the bad taste hangs around.  It gets a little better but it still stinks overall. 

Perhaps you find yourself "burping" more often lately, you find yourself re-tasting all of the bad things you have "eaten".  Maybe that is God telling you to "eat" things that are good for you.  Maybe that is God telling you, constantly (perhaps even annoyingly) reminding you that you need to clean up your breath and what you "eat" in life or its just going to keep getting worse.

What gets rid of the bad burps?  Confession.  It is the breath-mint, the mouth-wash for the soul.  It cleans our soul so that we are more disposed to "eat" truly good things so that when we "burp" we enjoy them because we "ate" good things in the first place. 

How do we keep the bad burps from coming back, because God knows we are bound to "eat" things that aren't always good for us?  Keep "eating" Confession.  "Eat" as many good things as you can this Lent and throughout the year.  Cling to the Sacraments, to grace, to prayer, to people who challenge you to be a better person.  Surround yourself with happiness, joy, love, peace.  "Eat" His word.  And when you fail to "eat" something good for your soul, or when you find that you have "eaten" something that you thought was good for your soul but really wasn't..."eat" Confession.  Eat it up like it is holy, Heavenly candy.  Because it is.  Then, let your breath be fresh and rejoice in your good tasting burps as the Heavenly Father wants you to.

worth the Tears.

I once heard a saying and it went like this, "no man is worth your tears and the one who is will never make you cry."  That saying sounds nice and wonderful but it is simply not true.  At all.  Unless you are talking about Jesus (though I'd contend that He makes me cry, though for totally different reasons that I'll get to in a minute).  Even that picture makes life look all happy and simple and, dare I say, perfect.  You can stand out in the sun and kiss your significant other and you'll never cry a single tear because you are so completely and perfectly and incandesantly happy (name that movie!).  After all, what ill could possibly harm your relationship?  Why on God's green earth would you ever cry?  Why would he make you cry? 

I used to think that if I was dating someone that it would have to be over if they hurt me or made me cry.  I'm pretty sure that if that were true I would never get married, nor would anyone else.  Even my least "girly" female friends have been known to shed a tear or two over their boyfriends (and their husbands).  Make no mistake, these men they are dating or married to are good men.  But at the end of the day, they are still men.  That's not to say they are horrible beings and I'm not using men in any foul sense, dripping with sarcasm.  I say that they are men to empahsize that they are human, they are, by their very fallen nature, imperfect.  Only perfection will not make you cry.  Imperfection, inevitably, will.

There are about a thousand reasons girls cry, only a few of which are related to hormones.  We cry.  We cry at a good movie, a touching Hallmark commerical, the death of a loved one, stress, worry, hurt feelings, as a way to get out of trouble, attention, joy, the list goes on.  But in the case of that phrase in that overly-cute picture at the beginning of this post, we should apparently never have to cry because of a man.  Ever.  After being with Mr. Irish for six months now (when did that happen?!) I can honestly tell you that I've cried.  We are both human, imperfect, fallen beings.  But just because we fight sometimes and just because I cry does not, by any stretch of the imagination mean that he's not worth my tears or worth the pain that goes with the fight.  Remember when I wrote the ache of Love?  Crazy to think that was nearly a year ago and yet I had it right - it hurts because we love.  Mark Hart once said, "If love were only about feelings, Jesus would have been hugged to death for our redemption.  With true love comes suffering."  With true love comes suffering - we are bound to hurt, bound to cry because we love.  We want perfection, we long for perfection, we were made for Eden, not for Earth and so we are continually left disappointed and aching for more, so we cry because our hearts know we were made for more and still we aren't there yet.  We miscommunicate, we disagree, we see things differently than our significant other does.  We cry.  Don't make the mistake of thinking that just because we cry that the man in our lives isn't "worth it" anymore.  There is a difference between crying because a man (who probably really isn't a man at all) is continually hurting you and a man worth fighting for - that is a distinction only you can make, it can't be made by some nice, cheesy saying. 

Jesus is the first Man who will ever be worth your tears, and even He will make you cry.  In His presence I realize how imperfect I am and it often leads me to tears, humbling tears.  He, however, is worth the fight.  His love is unending and I'd rather cry over/because of Him everyday for the rest of my life than live a single moment without Him in it.  I remain convinced that if you open your heart to love, to being vulnerable with another human being, that Jesus won't be the last man who will be worth your tears or worth the fight.  Let love outweigh the hard times because they are sure to come, but just as sure as they are to come, they are sure to pass, leaving a deeper love in their wake.

what it has Meant.

A year ago today I started this "little blogging adventure" (the first blog was titled "what does it Mean?") as I often refer to it and as I've been reflecting on that little factoid for the last few weeks I thought about doing a blog like this one.  What would it look like?  What would I say to mark the anniversary of an adventure that has been more thrilling and trying than I ever thought it would?  (Oh, you think it is easy to sit here and spill my guts week after week?  Try again.)  I thought about simply linking to my favorite blogs that I've written, though I don't know that I could narrow it down - there are so many that I have so thoroughly enjoyed writing.  There are also blogs that were a pain in the butt to write.  There have been blogs I wrote, published and thought to myself, "what the heck was that??" only to find out that those blogs spoke to someone's heart directly.  I know, I believe in the depths of my soul that this blog really isn't mine, it is His.  It always has been and hopefully it always will be.  I'm a happy scribe and I pray He continues to use me and that He continues to speak to you through me.

That being said...I've had a few random thoughts this week that haven't fully amounted to a blog yet (though they could at some point) so I figured this would be the perfect place to share them.

I googled "agape" for a cool picture and I found the one at the top.  So true, and this blog has taught me that.

"Suffering occurs because I perceive myself differently than God sees me" - Gene Monterastelli

Love makes us vulnerable.  Some would even say love makes us weak.  Love opens our hearts in a way that no other force on earth can ever open our hearts.  It leaves us open, exposed, vulnerable.  It causes us pain when the person (not the thing, that's not the kind of love I'm talking about here) fails to protect us, to sheild us, to value our vulnerability.  God never fails to protect us, to guard our hearts.  He always stands ready to fight for us.  Moreover, He cherishes our vulnerability.  Cherishes it. 

When I wrote Wednesday's blog, rend your Heart I don't think I had any clue how much I was predicting my own future.  I look at the picture at the beginning of that blog and can't help but feel that is what God is doing to my heart.  (Ok, He doesn't do that to my heart, it is happening to my heart.)  I'm trying to remember my own words about that picture, about how I see hope in it, or the Holy Spirit rushing in.

If the last two days are any indication, this is going to be one of the most trying Lent's in my life so far.  Not because of what I chose to give up, but because of the way the days have gone down.  Ash Wednesday marked ten years since my Papa (grandpa, not my dad) died.  The personal struggles that are going on in many arenas of my life...it is going to be a trying Lent.  And if the way the last two nights have ended are any indiction, He's going to use it all.  He's going to use it to teach me, to show me, to speak to my heart (Hosea 2:16), to shower me with His love.  Isn't that what Lent should be about anyway?

Here's to the next year of blogs, may they all point to His glory, to His unending, unconditional love.  May we all be reminded that we are, in fact, worthy of Agape.

rend your Heart.

"Even now, says the LORD,
return to me with your whole heart,
with fasting, and weeping, and mourning;
Rend your hearts, not your garments,
and return to the LORD, your God." - Joel 2:12-13

I don't know about you but actually rending my heart sounds a bit painful.  Good thing that wasn't what Joel was talking about!

Welcome to Lent, folks, my favorite liturgical season of the year!  Today we don ashes on our foreheads as a sign of who we are, and of what we shall one day return to.  I've often said that today is the coolest day of the year to be a Catholic because everyone knows it, however, those ashes should come from our hearts.  If you put on ashes just to be a "cool Catholic" because that's the thing to do today I'd send you straight to this reading. 

Rending your garments is easy.  You may not enjoy ripping your clothes to threads, but it is easy to do and requires very little effort - after all you can just go buy some new ones later.  Rending your heart is hard, just ask Jesus:

Rend your hearts.  Rip them open this Lent, let them burn and bleed for love of Him.  Rend your garments if you want to, but the real change in our lives comes from real change in our hearts.  What will you really learn if you rip up your clothes?  Not much.  What will you learn if you rend your heart and offer up your pain, suffering and sacrifices to God?  More than you can imagine.  We, this Lent, just as every one before it and after it, are following Christ in His journey to Calvary.  His pierced heart bled blood and water and made our salvation possible.  Even if we are but a small reflection of that sacrifice, just imagine what our hearts would be capable of we would truly rend them this Lent.  As we begin this Lent my prayer is that you would return to God with your whole heart.  God knows I've struggled (a.ka. am struggling) with this whole concept of actually giving Him my whole heart, but that is what Joel encourages us to do, today and everyday. 

I look at that picture at the beginning of this blog and I just imagine the Holy Spirit rushing in to fill our hearts, to heal them (isn't that SO needed?) and to uplift them.  Or, I see pierced hands rending my heart because it needs to be open more to Him, He wants to get in.  Either way I see hope in that picture.  May you rend your hearts in a new way this Lent and may the love of God and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with us all as we follow Christ through these forty days.

p.s. "The Lost Get Found" series is on hold until after Lent.  Wednesdays during Lent I'll be featuring a new Lenten reflection in hopes that it not only keeps my readers on track in Lent but kicks my own butt in gear for this glorious season.

make a Way.

"Thus says the LORD:
Remember not the events of the past,
the things of long ago consider not;
see, I am doing something new!
Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
In the desert I make a way,
in the wasteland, rivers.
The people I formed for myself,
that they might announce my praise." - Isaiah 43: 18-19, 21

I have a weird love for the desert, not that I've ever really been to one (unless you count parts of Utah and Nevada).  If you remember, I've written about my love for the desert and how it is not something to fear.  My favorite verse in all of Scripture comes from Hosea 2:16 which reads, "So I will allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak to her heart" (NAB).  If you asked me what my favorite liturgical season is (a nerdy, theological question, I know) I would say Advent and Lent...but mostly Lent.  I love the Triduum, I love Good Friday, I love Ash Wednesday, I love the desolation of it all, the sacrifices, the work that goes into not only the liturgies but into our hearts as we truly enter into Christ's suffering.  I love the somber feeling I get when I walk into a church during Lent - the darker colors, the quiet, reflective nature of those assembled within her walls, quieter music.  I love the stripped down, bare nature of churches during Lent - the decorations (or, really, lack thereof) set the tone for the hearts of the faithful.  I love the desert, I may not always like being called there, but I love the desert because more often than not that is where I feel most connected to the heart of God.

Then, while at Mass this weekend, this reading reached out to me like a cool glass of water on a hot summer's day.  I love the desert but we don't stay there forever.  "In the desert I make a way..." says the Lord.  He makes a way out so that we, His people, may announce His praises.  I may love the desert and it may be there where I feel most in tune with the heart of God, but I am not called to stay there - and neither are you.  We enter the desert because sometimes we need it, we need to be stripped down to our bare essentials, we need to rid ourselves of the clutter in our lives (I'm talking to you here iPods, iPhones, facebook, twitter, etc.).  We need the desert because we need to remember what is really important and what is just white noise that only distracts us from God. 

Think about it - on a deserted island are you worried about your make-up?  Your hair?  The clothes you are wearing?  Your favorite sports team?  The latest celebrity hook-up?  No.  You are worried about survival, about food, water, and hopefully returning home someday.  Shouldn't that be our spiritual life too?  We should be worried about food (the Eucharist), water (the healing Sacraments: Baptism, Reconciliation, Anointing of the Sick), and hopefully returning Home someday.  We don't want to stay on that deserted island forever, nor should we want to stay in the desert forever. 

Imagine if Lent lasted all year - we'd go nuts, and we'd lose our appreciation for it.  We need the seasons, we need the deserts and the mountain tops in order to appreciate all that there is around us.  We need summer to be able to appreciate the cool of winter, we need endless snow storms to appreciate the warm summer days.  We need the desert to appreciate the forest.  As we enter into Lent this year, don't be dismayed by whatever it is you are giving up or by the prospect of fasting from meat on Fridays or from nearly all food on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday.  Try not to let the desolation overwhelm you, but try to appreciate the desert and trust that, as Isaiah wrote, God makes a way out of it.  We know Easter is coming, but the desert lays before us.  Enter the desert, learn from the desert, seek the heart of God so that when Easter comes we may announce His praises with more fervor than ever before.

to be fought For.

Deny it all you want, women want to be fought for.  I'm not saying that we want to be fought for in the sense of starting an entire war over us (I'm looking at you, Helen of Troy), but we want to be fought for, we want to be defended.  We want the men in our lives - whether they be friends, brothers, fathers, boyfriends, fiances, or husbands - to stand up for us.

There are people who may call me (or women who think like me or agree with me) weak.  Let me be heard: there is nothing weak about a man standing up for women.  I'm reminded of a song that I love by Billy Dean and in it he says,

I know you can make it in this world on your own
But I wanna take care of you
The woman within may think that it's wrong
But I wanna take care of you

I'll show you the love of a man that knows how
To hold you without holding you down
It's not a sign of weakness to let me be strong
I wanna take care of you

It isn't a sign of weakness, it allows men to be men and women to be women.  Plus, isn't there something incredibly attractive about a man that stands up for women?  Think of the characters you love in movies: Mr. Darcy, Aragorn (I'm coming up short of good examples at the moment, but you catch my drift), the ones who fight for love, who fight for the women in their lives and who strive to do right by them.  Those are the men that my heart cheers for, the ones I dream about.  The others fall to the wayside.

Yesterday I was reading some posts back and forth on my friend's facebook page in a debate about contraception, pregnancy and abortion.  Needless to say, this debate got pretty heated, but as I read on I found myself literally fist pumping and rooting for one guy (a.k.a. MAN) in the conversation:

Matthew: I have a box of condoms by my bed and several more in my bag, and the young woman I'm currently sleeping with has been on the pill for years. She has alarms set to take her pill daily on the off-chance that she might forget it, and she checks the pack to make sure every night before going to sleep. On the very slim chance that she might get pregnant under these circumstances she might very well choose to terminate the pregnancy, but it would be her decision completely, because she has every right to have control over the fate of her body.

I wouldn't have sex with a woman who met the criteria you offered [a woman who wasn't on the pill and no condoms could be found anywhere]. We'd probably engage in oral or manual stimulation in that case.

Mark: To be honest I'm very sad in the amount of hate you allow yourself to allow in your life, seeing as every post you made was made with some form of insult. I can respect your right to choose differently than me regarding your lifestyle choices, but I cannot respect the manner in which you treat others, in particular, women. I would be quite bothered if I were your significant other and you referred to me as only "the woman I'm currently sleeping with" as if that was all I meant to you. I would also not be okay with the fact that I would be exposed to significant health risks in addition to that. You are supposed to protect the women in your life. They are beauties for which we fight for.

(Yes, the names have been changed.)  Isn't it obvious which person you are rooting for in this conversation?  This all goes back to my post precious Little  - would you rather be revered and honored or a commodity to be used and consumed?  Would you rather have a man fight for you, defend your honor and uphold your dignity or announce to the world that you are sleeping together and he loves the fact that he can have his way with you and not ever really worry about knocking you up?

What's my point here?  Men, real men, fight and defend women and our dignity.  Plain and simple.  Boys, jerks (and that's the nicest thing I'll call them) don't.  Say what you want about contraception and its correlations/connections to abortion - that's not the debate here.  The challenge is to rise above the little issue and realize what is at the heart of this matter: women.  Women: don't be afraid to challenge men to stand up for you, and don't be afraid to walk away when they don't.  Men: stand up for us.  Defend us.  Why?  Because as a woman I would choose Mark in a heartbeat over Matthew, no thought required.  Mark defends, Matthew doesn't.  Jesus defends, sin gets defensive.  I'd rather be on the winning team, wouldn't you?

true Love.

Dear Valentine's Day,

I have a long standing tradition of pretty much hating you.  There is a hopeless romantic buried somewhere in me, but you haven't helped in bringing that hopeless romantic back to life.  I walk into groceries stores and want to vomit at the amount of pink that overwhelms me.  Why do people believe that love only gets one shining day a year?  Share the love, stop hogging it for one day. 

Love,
Amanda

In high school my Christian club (and I, it's vice president) wore shirts that told of the truth of the day: God.  His love.  1 John 4:10 says, "In this is love: not that we have loved God, but that He loved us."  That's the quote I chose for my shirt because it is in Christ that we discover what love really means.



So why do I have a tradition of hating Valentine's day?  Break-ups (yes, I've been dumped on Valentine's Day.  Twice.), big fights, lost friendships, pain and sorrow have led me to dislike Valentine's Day like I do.  One might think that as someone in a happy relationship I would shut up and enjoy Valentine's day.  One might be...half right.  I enjoy it in so far as it is a day that I get to spend worshipping God, and this year I get to spend it being thankful for Mr. Irish.  And I am unspeakably thankful for God and for Mr. Irish (in that order), but this blog isn't one to parade around my happiness (I once referred to this day as Singles Awareness Day).  This blog is one to promote the source of all love, the reason we are blessed with loved ones in the first place: God.  So today I'll leave you with a few of my favorite quotes about love of all kinds in the hopes that you are moved to be thankful and grateful for love every single day, not just one pink-filled, chocolate-covered day a year.

"The measure of love is to love without measure" - Saint Augustine

"Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love" - William Shakespeare

"Love and truth are inseparable" - Hans Urs Von Balthasar

"Faith is our response to God's gift of unconditional love" - Father Christopher Kirchgessner, O.S.B.

"Hatred stirs up disputes, but love covers all offenses" - Proverbs 10:12

"As the heavens tower over the earth, so God's love towers over the faithful" - Psalm 103:11

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love" - 1 John 4:18

"Love is most nearly istelf when here and now cease to matter" - T.S. Eliot

"Though our feelings come and go, God's love for us does not" - C.S. Lewis

"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within" - James Baldwin

"Love in this sense - love as distinct from 'being in love' - is not merely a feeling.  It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit." - C.S. Lewis

"Let unifying love be your measure, abiding love your challenge, self-giving love your mission" - Pope Benedict XVI

"Love is itself the fulfillment of all our works.  There is the goal; that is why we run: we run toward, and once we reach it, in it we shall find rest" - Saint Augustine

"Genuine love perfects the life and enlarges the existence of the person" - Blesssed Pope John Paul II

"If we do not encounter love, if we do not experience it and make it our own, and if we do not participate intimately in it, our life is meaningless.  Without love we remain incomprehensible to ourselves" - Blessed Pope John Paul II

"Love is the beauty of the soul" - Saint Augustine

"The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, in spite of ourselves" - Victor Hugo

"To fall in love with God is the greatest of all romances; to seek Him, the greatest adventure; to find Him, the greatest human achievement" - Saint Augustine

"In the absence of love, there is nothing worth fighting for" - Elijah Wood

"Love without action is just as dead as faith without action" - Andrea Shatto

"You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving" - Amy Carmichael

"Love is the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being" - Blessed Pope John Paul II

"It is not moments of unleashed passion that prove our love, but the countless hours of commitment spent between" - Unknown

"God loves us; we need only to summon up the humility to allow ourselves to be loved." - Pope Benedict XVI

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give - which is everything" - Katharine Hepburn

"To love is to be transformed into what we love.  To love God is therefore to be transformed into God" - St. John of the Cross