welcome to my Confessional.

I don't even know how many times I've said it before, but it never ceases to be true: sometimes writing a blog is a bit like going to confession for the whole world to hear.  Today as I sat down to write the blog I felt pretty confident about the topic - I've had it in my mind since the middle of last week.  It sounded great...until I sat down to write it and realized how personal it is, how revealing it is and how much I'd rather write about something less personal and less revealing.  However, even though it may be a bit personal and a bit revealing and might not paint me in the brightest of lights, I'm going to blog about it anyway because I think the point of it is worth it.  Here goes nothing...bless me bloggers, for I have sinned...


Last week I had a friend from college visit me.  It was awesome because she had never been to Colorado and I hadn't seen her in a year so it was great to catch up and show her around my home state and introduce her to "real" mountains as I kept calling them.  On the down side it meant that I had less time to talk to, much less spend with Mr. Irish.  Yes, some time apart is good every now and then, but the fact that we only spent a few minutes talking each night got to me.  It was nice to talk to him but I wanted more than just a conversation about how nice the weather was that day, I wanted to know what was going on in his heart.

Then it hit me.  That is exactly how I get with God sometimes.  I pray for a few minutes before falling asleep and I have a nice, quick conversation about how today was a fine day or whatever and then I crash.  He wants from me the same thing I want from Mr. Irish - more than just a few minutes of empty conversation.  He is happy I talk to Him, I have no doubt, but that doesn't mean that He doesn't want more.  He wants to know my heart, He wants me to tell Him about what is going on in my heart, what I think of what is going on in my life.  He wants to truly know me.  He'll take my short conversations at the end of the day but He wants more from me - He wants my heart, all of it.  He doesn't want me to hold back and there is no sense in thinking that I can protect Him from whatever I'm going through.  There is no lying to Him, no faking it, He knows better and because I love Him, He deserves more.  He deserves more than empty conversations filled with empty words, He deserves my heart, all of my fears, all of my worries, and every thing that I am going through.  My love for Him moves me to share all of my heart with Him, even if it doesn't make Him the proudest Father ever.  My love for Him moves me to share my heart with Him even if I fear how He will react and even if I fear making Him ashamed or disappointed in me.  I trust that He will still love me, otherwise I shouldn't even bother pretending to have a relationship with Him in the first place.  Lying to Him, telling Him half-truths, or holding out on Him because I somehow think I am protecting Him from my feelings - however scary or painful or hurtful they may be - does neither of us any good.  A relationship - with humans or with God - can only grow if honesty abounds within it's walls.  Love, if it is true and real, has the ability to move us beyond fear to a place of total honesty and trust. 

The question then becomes, do I love God enough to give Him more than just a few empty minutes at the end of my day, or do I not?  If not, then who am I trying to fool?  God is no fool, He already knows my heart, so who am I deceiving in this relationship?  It is time to come out of the confessional, call a spade a spade and be real with God, or else I risk losing Him altogether, not because He doesn't love me enough, but because I don't love Him with all that I am.