love or Security?

It is a fair question and one I've been pondering for days now. Love or security? I thought long and hard about making the title "security or Love?" so that love could be capitalized but the truth is that all too often we value security over love. Sometimes it isn't a choice, sometimes we get both love and security, but sometimes we don't. Before I really dive into this week's Lenten (and life) reflection I should also mention that I won't be blogging next week during Holy Week. There is something fantastic about Holy Week and I always try to give up a little something extra during those days to really focus on the mysteries and the Passion that are unfolding before us. Pray for me and I'll be praying for you and I promise to be back blogging after Easter!

In Friendships

It is a different kind of 'love' in regards to friendships. The Greeks would call it "phila" or brotherly love. In friendships we choose love or security. There have been a few friends I've struggled with lately and not knowing where our friendship stands. When they do call or when I call or text them we both make a choice of love or security. We can choose love and open our hearts to each and continue to grow our friendship, or we can choose security and decide for ourselves not to continue opening our hearts because we don't trust the stability of our friendship. The choice is ours to make, sometimes we choose love and sometimes we choose security because we'd rather not spend the time spilling our souls to someone who may or may not be there for us next week or even tomorrow.

In Relationships

This weekend I was reminded of a couple I know that got married fairly quickly by most people's standards and now have two kids. Because of their financial commitments and their jobs and children they really don't see much of each other. Yet when I see them it is quite evident how much they love each other, it quite literally radiates out of both of them, and you can see it in their children as well. They chose love over security. They may not have had their lives all put together before they got married but they chose love and that choice affects everything else in their lives. They, against all odds, find a way to make it work, to keep their love alive and still provide for their children.

This is a choice we also make. Perhaps if we always choose security over love then we'd never be in relationships in the first place. Let's face it, relationships are hard work. If I chose security over love then I wouldn't still be with Mr. Irish, the tough times would be the death of us because we both would start to doubt the strength and stability of our relationship. Even when it gets tough, we choose love. Does that mean we'll get married right away? Not necessarily. The choice between love and security penetrates deep into every relationship and every decision a couple faces - do we buy a house even though the money isn't all there right now? Do we have a child right now (or another child) or do we wait until our jobs are more consistent? Do we move to another state to pursue our dreams, even though the chances might not be high that we'll actually achieve our dreams? Each decision, in some way or another, comes down to love or security. Or, as some might phrase it, faith or stability? I can stay right here and hope for the best or I can walk out of my box and pray the risk pays off. It makes me think of Boy Meets World when Topanga gets into Yale (was it Yale? Some Ivy League school) and yet she chooses to go to the same college as Cory. Topanga at some point gets a job offer, a great job offer, but it means that Cory and Topanga would have to move; love or security. Choices we all must face, choices that get at the very heart of who we are and what we want out of life.

In Faith

I can't help but think of Peter walking on the water. He stepped out in faith and in love, but he chose to cling to the security of the boat instead of God's love and he began to sink. The apostles hid in the Upper Room after Jesus died - the choice was to love Him and stand out in the crowds for doing so, or stay safely locked away in the Upper Room; love or security. The apostles, in the end, made their choices. Some, like Judas, chose security as He sold Jesus' whereabouts to the chief priests. Peter, at least for a while, chose the security of denying he knew Jesus because denying Him was easier than admitting he had been one of Jesus' closest friends - the risk (death) was too overwhelming for him. Thomas too chose the security of seeing and touching the wounds of Jesus over loving Him and believing that He had risen without seeing Him. Others, like Paul, chose love over security. Paul, prior to his little trip on the road to Damascus, had a pretty nice life, he was well taken care of and well regarded by his peers. He left that all behind and chose love when Jesus knocked him off his horse on the way to Damascus. Peter, too, in the end, chose love. Peter preached and spread the Gospel as well and in the end all of his security was gone. He was caught, arrested and set to die. However, he chose love so strongly over security that he requested to be crucified upside because he didn't feel he was worthy to die in the same way Jesus did; love over security.

The apostles made their choices and now it is time for us to make ours. As we approach Holy Week, what will you choose? Love or security? Security or love? What is more important to you? Do you dare take off Good Friday, lose one of your sick days and sit in church and pray and remember the Passion? Or do you sit at your desk and then get up at 3pm to pray and remember? Or do you chose the security of your job over the love poured out on the Cross? Do you chose to stand as a witness and love Christ with all you have or will next week pass the same as every other has? Will you sacrifice a little more for Him as He lays down His life for you? The choice is yours, Jesus already made His. He could have run away from the Garden of Gethsemane. He could have called the angels to take Him down from the Cross. He could have escaped the scourging at the pillar. Through it all, He chose love over security, every single time. Will you?

falling Asleep.

Nearly a year ago to the day I wrote a blog called "awakened Heart".  In it I wondered how the apostles could ever fall asleep in the Garden of Gethsemane with Jesus.  Jesus just wanted to spend some time praying with His closest and most trusted friends because He knew His hour was just before Him, and yet His apostles, His best friends fell asleep.

Last Friday I went to a Stations of the Cross service put on by some teens at a local parish.  In their prayer service they talked about the apostles falling asleep in the Garden.  As the teens led the meditation I couldn't help but wonder who I've "fallen asleep" on lately.  Who among my friends and who among God's children is in the Garden of Gethsemane, stressed and overwhelmed and just needs some time with someone who cares about them?  Have I fallen asleep on them?

I'm sure we could all list people who we feel have fallen asleep on us, who fail to show us love or caring as deep as we wish they would, but we also need to be sure to pay attention to who we have fallen asleep on.  Since I've given up my snooze button for Lent God has shown me just how often I push the snooze button and not just in the mornings.  It is time to wake up, to wake up to prayer and to not fall asleep on our friends who need us.  In the Gospel reading yesterday Jesus prayed, "I am troubled now.  Yet what should I say?  'Father, save me from this hour?'  But it was for this purpose that I came to this hour" (John 12:27).  Sometimes in life we don't get to avoid the Garden of Gethsemane.  Sometimes we are in that Garden for a very specific reason, but wouldn't that Garden be so much easier to handle if our friends were awake with us, supporting us, encouraging us and praying for us?

That being said, here's a few ideas I've come up with on how to be awake for your friends and the people you care about most:

Listen.  Shut up and listen, even if they can sometimes go on about the same things.  Why do we go on and on in prayer sometimes?  Because God listens.  Do the same thing with your friends and loved ones.

Call them.  Actually pick up the phone and call, don't just wimp out and send a text.

Pray for them.  Intentionally - and the more you actually talk to them, the more intentionally you can pray for them instead of simply asking God to watch over and guide them.

Finally, as Howie Day sings, "if you're gonna be there, be there."  Period.

do you want It?

"Do you want to be well?" - John 5:6

Jesus asks this question to a man who had been ill for nearly four decades.  Jesus knew this man was ill and yet He asked, "do you want to be well?"  It is a question He asks all of us, "do you want to be well?"  We say we want to be well, we say we want to be happy, but what are we really doing about it?  Are we constantly sitting and complaining about the same things over and over again (God knows I've been doing this lately) or are we actually going to do something about it?  Are we going to take our brokenness, our emptiness to the One who bought our brokenness with His life?  (see Matthew 27:3-10.)

The more I think about it and the more I pray about the more I come to realize that God loves our brokenness and our emptiness.  The Christian songs seem to sing all about it lately:
"Find You when there's nothing left of me to offer You except for brokenness" - "Find You On My Knees" by Kari Jobe
"I find you when I fall apart/Blessed are the ones who understand we got nothing to bring but empty hands/nothing to hide and nothing to prove/our heartbreak brings us back to you" - "Fall Apart" by Josh Wilson
"This is my prayer in the desert, and all that's within me feels dry" - "Desert Song" by Hillsong
"So empty my hands..." - "Empty My Hands" by Tenth Avenue North
"Jesus, keep my heart alive...from a world that's breaking right before my eyes" - "Keep My Heart Alive" by Sanctus Real

We are broken.  We are empty.  And God loves it all.  Jesus paid the price for the Potter's Field with His death.  Think of the parables: God rejoices over finding the lost sheep, He rejoices over finding the lost coin.  Said another way, God rejoices over our bringing our brokenness and our emptiness to Him and Him alone.  Being the loving Father that He is, He would rather we bring our brokenness to Him instead of offering it to a human or to some new addiction.  He made us for Himself and we become whole by clinging to the One who is never broken, never changing and never failing.  Just as He rejoices over the lost sheep and the lost coin in the parables Jesus tells, so too He rejoices when we come to Him with nothing to offer but our broken and empty hearts.  He knows we will experience trails and suffering in this life (remember John 16:33) but He encourages us by overcoming those trails.  God doesn't love that you are broken.  God never wanted you to be broken or to suffer.  Our God is a loving God but since sin entered the world our suffering became inevitable.  God does love when we bring Him all of our broken pieces.  Matthew West sings about this in his song "All The Broken Pieces", "so lift them up to me, all the broken pieces...Did you hear what I said?  Did you read the words I wrote down in red?  I was once broken for you..." (emphasis mine).  Jeses was broken for us. 

So He asks us, "do you want to be well?"  Well, do you?  Are you going to bring Him all of the pieces of your heart, all of your emptiness?  Only then can He heal you.  In Lent we are broken and suffering as Jesus was broken and suffering in the wilderness.  Only by leaning in, only by bringing Him all of our brokenness and emptiness can we be healed and rise with Jesus on Easter.

Do you want to be well?

emptied Again.

"I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow" - Desert Song

Chew on that for a while.  I know I have been.  I first heard this song Saturday night and that line stuck out to me as if it had been the only lyric in the entire song.  I talk a lot about the desert and my love for the desert (the spiritual desert, not so much actual deserts) but this line just struck me.  I know I'm filled to be emptied again.  We have to be filled first, but we aren't filled to stay filled forever, we are filled to be emptied again.  Over and over again.

Today, instead of blogging all about the desert and Lent, I'll simply share my prayer with you that came out of this verse:

"Fill me up, Lord.  The emptying out, at least in the service of others, brings glory to You.  When we are emptied for Your sake we shall be filled all the more to the brim with Your love and mercy.  Empty me, Lord, empty me of all that keeps me from You so that I may be full only of You.  Then, being full of You, may You help me pour my heart out again.  There is beauty in this cycle - open my eyes to see it.  Empty my heart.  Strip me of everything that is not of or from You.  Empty me to fill me up again.  Fill me up to empty me.

As the waters of Your love flow into my heart, may they overflow to Your children.  May I be filled to be emptied.  May I take the time to allow You to fill my heart.  I can't give what I don't have.  I can't continue to feed others if I'm not being fed.  Feed me.  Fill me.  Wash me clean in Your love.  Fill me up to empty me just as You filled Your Son to empty Him out on the Cross.  Unite my sufferings with His.  Fill my heart and empty it, may the filling and the emptying be like the waves of the ocean, the tide comes in and the tide goes out.  Rest my heart.  Rest my heart in this continual filling up and emptying out.  This is my prayer in the harvest.  This is my prayer in the desert.  Fill my heart with all that is You, empty my heart of everything that is not.  AMEN."

wake Up!

We are now in the third week of Lent and I could almost promise you that Ash Wednesday was...today.  It goes so fast and as I reflect on what I've given up I decided to share a bit about my Lenten journey (so far).

I gave up my snooze button.  Before Lent I had gotten into this habit of setting three alarms every morning and pushing the snooze button on each of them as many times as I could.  It had gotten to the point where I set an alarm for an hour before I actually had to get up because that's how long it took me to wake up.  It was lazy and annoying but I couldn't really break the cycle.  I was in love with my snooze button, so it had to go.

I should also preface that, as a youth minister, there really aren't any days that I have to be anywhere terribly early.  Most of the time I don't go into the office until after noon anyway, but that doesn't mean I want to spend my entire morning sleeping.  Tuesdays, however, we have staff meetings at 9:30am.  So, Mr. Irish and I go to Mass at 6:30am and then I head into the office.  The first Tuesday of Lent was my real test of giving up the snooze button.  The other days I could do okay without it and be just fine, Tuesday, however, I had to get up.  My first thought waking up was, "I could just set another alarm and that's not pushing the snooze button..." as if I didn't know better, as if Jesus didn't know better.  I turned my alarm off and promptly fell back asleep.  God didn't want me to miss Mass so I woke up a few minutes later in a total panic and I was up for good.

In the days since that first Tuesday I've still struggled to get up when my alarm goes off.  I fall back asleep.  I tell myself I only need five more minutes.  The panic sets in and I wake up freaking out and that doesn't really put me in the best of moods.  Instead of setting my alarm for an hour before I need to be off, I set it for exactly when I need to be up.  Any later and I'll be running around like a chicken with my head cut off (also not my favorite way to start the day, I like starting off slow and enjoying the day rather than rushing around).

Here's what I've learned so far this Lent by giving up my snooze button:

1. Giving up my snooze button (which is usually my first conscious thought in the morning) causes me to FIRST think of Jesus.  I wake up and I think "snooze button" which is quickly followed by "LENT!"  It forces me to remember and think of Jesus as my first real thought of the day.  Even when I want more sleep, waking up to thinking of Him and His sacrifices is a much better way to start my day.  It gives purpose to what I do that day and every day.
2. Jesus knows when I'm slacking.  There was one day that I forgot and pushed my snooze button.  I hit that magic button and then before my head even hit the pillow I felt so guilty that I got up anyway.  He doesn't let me fall asleep on Him.
3. Jesus knows when I'm cheating, and not just in my Lenten sacrifice.  When I try to negotiate with myself and think, "I'll just set another alarm instead" He whispers to me that I know setting another alarm is bascially the same as pressing the snooze button.  If I have enough energy to set another alarm then I have enough energy to get up.  The same is true in my faith life, if I have enough energy to justify one sin or another then I have enough energy and will power to avoid that sin in the first place.

I got tired of sleeping through alarm after alarm.  By giving up my snooze button not only am I waking up in a better mood in the morning, I'm also learning that I'm tired of sleeping through Him and my commitments to Him.  It is time to wake up, and not just because the snooze button isn't an option anymore.  It is time to wake up to Him, to my love for Him and to honor Him more fully.

Have I mentioned that I love Lent?  Happy sacrificing!

prove your Love.

Happy 100th blog to me!  And to you, my awesome readers!  Crazy to think this is my 100th post...I feel like it should be something totally awesome and amazingly inspiriing...I hope it is!

"It is not moments of unleashed passion that prove our love, but the countless hours of commitment spent between" - Unknown

I've been reflecting on that quote a lot in the last few weeks.  It is full of wisdom and not just for those of us in relationships.  We prove our friendship, our loyalty, our honesty not just in moments of unleashed passion, we prove our friendship is the hours spent between.  We prove our friendship to those friends we have moved away from by calling and texting them to check in and tell them we are thinking about them.  We prove our love by making time for the ones we care about.  We prove our love by not taking advantage of those we love, and by not growing complacent and thinking or hoping they will always be there for us.  We prove our love not by hoping or believing that they will always come back to us, but by constantly giving them reasons to come back to our love and our friendship.  As my mother always said, we have time for what we make time for. 

This quote hit me upside the head last week when I found out that one of my friends from college has gone missing.  We were never really the best of friends in college and truth be known there were times he really, really, really got on my nerves.  Yet that quote makes me think, did we, the people that knew him, do enough in the hours in between to prove our love?  Did we show him that we cared, that we valued him, that we were glad we knew him?  I really and truly hope so.  If we didn't then I hope that it isn't too late to show him how much we appreciate him.

The more I live it, the more I am convinced that life isn't really about moments.  Yes, moments are wonderful and they get us through, they fill us with hope and joy, but moments are not what life is made of.  Life is made of the everyday, the little things between the moments.  That is when we prove our love, that is when we show what we are really made of.  When my campus minister told me her love story in college she said that when she and her husband fell in love it wasn't primarily about the firework moments with them.  Sure, there were firework moments, but that's not what led her to fall in love with him.  She fell in love with him because of all the little things in between.  The love between the moments was what kept (and I'm willing to bet still keeps) their love alive. 

Are we people made of moments who hope for the best between those moments?  Do we take for granted those people that we love and fail to put in the effort required to maintain a good friendship or relationship?  Or do we live fully between those moments?  Do we take advantage of opportunities to show our love in the little ways?  Show your commitment in the hours between.  Do something nice for someone you care about today.  But don't just do it today.  Do it everyday, because they are worth it.  Send them a nice text to tell them that you appreciate them.  Mail them a card.  Pick a flower for them.  Pick up the phone and call them.  Listen to their struggles.  Remember, love is not a fight but it is worth fighting for.  Prove your love. 

air in the Tires.

Sometimes when I drive around town I have this odd habit of checking out other cars' tires.  Sometimes they are low and really could use more air, sometimes they are nearly flat, and sometimes they are right where they should be, nice and plump and full of air.  Most people know that when a car's tires have the proper amount of air in them the car gets better gas mileage, which saves the owner money in the long run.  Checking the air pressure in your tires is a good thing to do, not only for the safety of your tires and those riding in your car, but as a way to save money by getting better mileage.

The same is true for our spiritual life.  We, like most cars, have four tires, or four pillars.  The Catechism of the Catholic Church defines the four pillars as follows: The Profession of Faith, The Celebration of the Christian Mystery, Life in Christ, Christian Prayer.  For the purposes of the analogy to tires I'd summarize the four pillars like this: The Meaning Behind Our Words, The Sacraments, Community and Fellowship, Prayer.  Just as on a car each tire must be filled so that the car can progress forward, so too must each of our tires be filled so that we may continue forward on our journey to Heaven, and what better time than Lent to fill up your tires?

The Meaning Behind Our Words
All too often we say things that we don't really mean.  Other times we say words that we mean, but we fail to put them into action.  We should always strive to say what we mean and mean what we say, lest this tire will go flat.  It is crucial that our words ring true because your words, your witness could be the only time a person ever sees Christ.  Will that person look up and see your false, meaningless words, or will they see the love of Christ flowing through you?

The Sacraments
How close are you to the Sacraments?  The Sacraments give us the grace and the drive to keep all of our others tires filled.  The Sacraments are where we meet Christ, the source of the fullest tires of available.  We meet Him and He not only breathes life into us, He breathes life into our tires, filling them up so that we can do more, go farther and get as close to Heaven as possible.  Maybe this is the tire you need to fill up the most on during Lent.  Been a while since you've been to confession?  Go.  I know you may not like confession, maybe you think it is better if you confess your sins to God instead of a priest, just cut out the middle man, right?  Maybe, but there is nothing more healing than literally hearing the words spoken out loud, "You are forgiven."  I need to hear them, to accept His loving forgiveness as He acts through His priests.  Visit www.masstimes.org to find a Catholic Church near you and figure out when they offer confessions.  Most parishes will offer Lenten penance services with numbers of priests on hand so you can go confess your sins to a priest you don't know.

Haven't been to Mass lately?  Check out that same website for Mass times at local parishes.  Jesus waits in the tabernacle, He invites you to His last supper, He invites you to dine with Him, every single day.  Join Him.  Let Him fill your tires with air so they don't end up flat and leave you stranded.

Community and Fellowship
I've said it before, you simply can't have spirituality without religion or religion without spirituality.  You can try all you want to divorce the two, but they need each other like peanut butter needs jelly (only way more intensely).  We can't have tires filled with the Sacraments and what we believe without living out our beliefs with other like-minded people.  We need community and fellowship to build us up, to encourage us when we are struggling and to strengthen our hearts for the battle at hand.  No man is an island and I can't say that I've seen anyone driving a one-wheeled car to work lately.

Prayer
This tire requires discipline.  No one is really going to hold a gun to your head and tell you to pray (though I can bet that if someone is holding a gun to your head you will be praying whether they tell you to or not).  Pray outside of Mass, pray outside of the Sacraments, outside of penance.  Take an extra five minutes a day and pray.  Take an extra hour of adoration once a week during Lent and spent time with our Lord.  Read the daily readings if you can't make it to Mass (click on the appropriate day on the calendar for each day's readings).  Read a chapter of the Bible.  Journal.  Pray the Rosary.  Read a section of the Catechism.  Write someone a nice letter each day of Lent telling them how much you appreciate them.  Go to a Bible study (that can knock out prayer AND fellowship and community).  Find a youth group or a young adult group to attend or help out with.  Pray a novena.  Read about the lives of the Saints.  Fill yourself with God so that He may fill others through you.

This Lent, fill your tires with Christ.  Fill them with all the richness of our beautiful Catholic faith so that not only will you get better mileage on your car and save time (because you won't have to stop fix flats), but you will journey closer to Heaven and closer to the Heart of Christ.  Isn't that what Lent is all about? 

history Repeats.

Chances are that you have probably heard the phrase, "history repeats itself" at least once in your life time.  Chance are also pretty high that you have at least one example in your own life of history repeating itself.  I know I do.

Last night I played my violin at Mass and as I played the opening song I looked up and as if he was the only person in the congregation I spotted an ex-boyfriend.  The story of our break-up is a sad and long one that no longer bears repeating, nor is it important or relevant to the point of this blog.  I looked up and as I saw him my knee jerk reaction was to run.  Call it the "fight or flight" response if you want, when it comes to this ex I pretty much always want to run.  It wouldn't have been hard to run either, I was standing by the stairs and could have taken the side door out of the church and been gone (as if leaving dinner with Jesus because my ex was invited would have been an appropriate choice...and in a way that is a preview of Heaven; will I choose to turn away from eternal bliss because I don't like everyone inside?  I should hope not, but that's an entirely different blog).  I could have. 

Even now as I sit here and remember being there last night I remember how much I wanted to run, to leave, to not look at him, to not be there in that church with him anywhere near me.  I also knew that Mr. Irish was standing behind me playing as well, and I don't have any desire for the two of them to ever meet.  I told Mr. Irish last night that the two of them meeting sounds like a living nightmare to me.  Some things, some people, some situations are better left in the past.  Maybe, by some freak accident my ex is reading this blog, maybe he isn't.  Either way, I still wanted to run.  We broke up nearly a year and a half ago and I see him and that fight or flight response kicks in (and the only place I seem to run into him lately is at church, ironically enough).  Last night as I stood there during Mass I finally figured out why I always want to run.  I don't want history to repeat itself.

That's not to say that I think for a second that I would go running back to him, God knows I wouldn't, and not just because Mr. Irish is in my life.  I wouldn't go running back to him because when we were together I was weak.  I never really stood up for myself.  Remember how I said that I sometimes throw cotton balls at Mr. Irish?  I don't think I ever threw anything as hard as a cotton ball at my ex.  Mr. Irish saw that I was becoming weak and he challenged me to be stronger, he pushed me and encouraged me to be the strong woman he first fell in love with.  My ex did no such thing.  If anything, he took full advantage of my weakness.  It is no surprise then when I see him that I want to run.  I don't want to be weak anymore, and being around him I ended (past tense!) up being weak.  So why run, you ask?  Running seems to be the weak option.  The stronger option would be to go up to him and give him a piece of my mind, not sit here and write a blog about it.  The stronger option would be to go out to the parking lot and deck him (don't worry, I'd never do that).  The stronger option would perhaps be to go up to him (with or without Mr. Irish at my side) and show him just how much stronger and happier I am now.  The stronger option would be to show him that I am better off without him.  Perhaps those are all true.  It's not that I don't do those things because I am still weak.  I pray that I am not.  I don't do them because, at least in my mind, he no longer deserves any of those things.  I'm quite fine with him seeing me at Mass and seeing how happy I am.  I'm quite fine with him seeing me sit with Mr. Irish during the homily.  In my own way that is me being stronger.  I want to run because I want to be done, I want to move on with my life.  I want to spend my days with a man who actually encourages and appreciates my strength, not tears it down. 

Yes, history repeats itself.  But it only repeats itself if we allow it to.  I could be in the same boat with Mr. Irish that I was in with my ex, I could be weak and I could never stand up for myself.  Our relationship could come to a bitter and painful end.  Or, I could find that inner strength, that strength that comes from God and I can stand in a church with Mr. Irish and my ex and I can survive.  Someday, God willing, I'll stand in that situation and thrive, knowing that history will never repeat itself again.  I also think it is incredibly fitting that the only times I've run into my ex in the last few months have been in church.  In line for confession.  At Mass.  The option to run then looked foolish because I would not only be running away from my ex, I'd be running away from the Sacraments, from grace, from His unending love.  When you are faced with the choice of fight or flight, when you think that history may be repeating itself, turn to God.  Turn to the Sacraments.  Ask His help to keep history from repeating itself and I can promise you that if you open your heart to Him, He will walk you through the pains of your past and into a brighter future.