Back to songs...at least for this week. This week has already been one of the most emotionally draining weeks that I've had in a while, and its only Wednesday. Mr. Irish assures me that it will get better from here, and I can only hope that is true. I thought a lot about the excuse I would blog about today (and believe me, the list is no where near done), but when it came down to it I had to share this song. I got in the car this morning to drive to work and as I fought back tears for about the zillionth time (and I do mean that, everything seems to set me off lately, even Wal-Mart commericals...) this song came on. But before I tell you the song (unless you've figured it out from the blog title/read below) I should probably tell you a little bit about where I've been lately (spiritually, I really haven't left my normal 40 mile radius).
I've been filled with fear. Fear about just about everything, but I knew deep down there must be a reason for this fear, something deep within that needed attention. Otherwise, why the heck would I be crying all the time over the randomest things? (If you know me at all, you know that I don't usually like crying in public, I only cry around/in front of people I trust...weddings don't count.) And yet...I was afraid to discover what this thing inside of me might be. Yes, sure, its been slowly taking over my heart, but that doesn't mean I wanted to discover the source. Discovering the source of that fear would probably mean some huge healing was needed and in order to heal, things usually hurt again before they can get better - not something I was or am looking forward to. Oh, don't get me wrong, the healing part sounds great, but the pain that is almost always required to get to that healing...yea, I'll pass. Surgery can solve problems, but the surgeon must first cut before he can heal...the same is true of God. I'm not saying He cuts us, but sometimes He digs up old wounds and reminds us that they are still there and though they have scabbed over, there is more healing to be done. Last night I had a break-through...and if I know anything about my relationship with God, He's probably just scratching the surface, but we have to start somewhere. And yes, the break-through involved quite a bit more tears...more than I've cried in a while. God, in His infinite insanity (I love Him, but sometimes I still think He is crazy), took me back over some hurts that have been buried in my heart for years. And though it hurt to go back and remember the old wounds, as I cried, I began to feel God holding my heart and holding me as I sobbed through the pain. He rocked me to sleep and even though that fear is still hanging around today, it is slowly but surely getting better. Then this song came on...it speaks for itself.
Song: Fall Apart
Artist: Josh Wilson
Lyrics:
Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know You when my life was good
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give You praise
Now it all seems upside down
(Chorus)
'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart
Blessed are the ones who understand
We got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to You
And it all seems upside down
Chorus
I don't know how long this will last
I'm praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing
That has ever happened to me
God, my whole world is caving in,
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need?
God, I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when,
You will find me when I fall apart.
I know I said the lyrics speak for themselves, and they do...but there is more to be said. Sometimes our whole world caves in...and yet, we try to pretend everything is fine. We try to pretend that there isn't some dark cloud slowly overtaking our hearts, and in this pretending we hope that eventually our act will be come reality. We'd rather pretend and ignore the pain than listen to the tender nudgings of God that something is wrong...we want perfection, we were, after all, made for it, made in the image of perfection. We don't like admitting something is wrong, or that something hurts...we don't like people fussing over us. But sometimes, as much as we don't want to, we have to fall apart. We have to lose ourselves completely in order to find ourselves in God (Matthew 10:39 much?). Though we wish it weren't so, sometimes we take the wrong path to its rock bottom end before we trust that the other path was better. Sometimes we have to fall apart, tear-stained shirts, snot running down our noses, make-up running, red, puffy eyes and all to trust that even when we are at our worst, even when we can't put words to the pain, God isn't going to leave us (the same is true of your significant other). We long to be reminded that He will find us when we fall apart. Sometimes we need to be reminded that even when we fall apart, when we can't find words to describe the pain, when we just can't stop crying, even then we are still worthy of love...worthy of Agape.
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