looking Back.

I really dislike New Year's resolutions.  Years ago I decided they were pretty dumb and I hardly ever kept them, let alone remembered them by the end of January, so I stopped making them.  Instead, I'd rather reflect on what I've learned in a year's time.  I've come to realize once again how important it is to take time and reflect, and learn - to learn about our own hearts and the hearts of others, it is a source of great growth if we allow for it.  So here it is, a list (however long or short it ends up being) of the things I've learned this year:

A job isn't everything, but it is a nice thing to have.

Money, even in large doses, can't really make you happy.

I will probably never really like Valentine's day, and even though I've claimed to be a hopeless romantic, I'm okay with not liking Valentine's day.  After all, true love doesn't just have one shining day a year - it should occur every day of the year.

I love road trips, with or without people, they allow my soul room to breathe.

I discovered I actually like camping, not just in campgrounds.  There is something in my soul that comes alive when I'm out in the wilderness - it connects me to the wild heart of God. 

Sometimes the things we think will be great turn out to be horrible and the things we never expected turn out to be the best things in the world.  Remember, God laughs when you make plans.

There is something about surrender, not surrender to other people, but surrender to God.  It is a mystery I may never understand in this life, but it is one wrapped in beauty and love.

Sometimes we have to lose ourselves to really find ourselves.

Every decision we make creates ripples and every now and then we are blessed to see the effects of those ripples.  I like to think that when we see the effects of our ripples we are getting a peek at life through God's eyes.

The person you think you will end up with is probably not the person you'll end up with.  Remember, God laughs when you make plans.

When you find your soulmate, you really will know it, as cliche as that sounds.  You'll know it in your soul, you'll know it so deeply that at times it will feel like it is the only true thing in the world you know.  It is a gift from God that keeps on giving.

Trust is one of the hardest things in life to come by, and one of the easiest things to lose.  When you find it, hold on tight.

Satan is a nasty little jerk and I've found that just as God is preparing for something wonderful to happen in your life, Satan throws a bunch of crap in your path.  Just before Mr. Irish and I began courting there were a number of guys (and I say this because its true, not because I'm being arrogant about how awesome I think I am, and if you think that's the case, read my last blog) that popped back into my life.  Old boyfriends, nice guys, weird guys, they seemed to come from everywhere.  Satan threw a lot of crap at me in a lame attempt to keep me from Mr. Irish, but if you keep your heart open to God, He won't allow you to fall into Satan's potholes. 

Some wounds are buried deep, wounds from old relationships, wounds from our parents, wounds from God only knows where.  They only get healed if we ask God to show them to us, and then walk us through our pain.

We were created for more, for glory.  We were created for Eden.  We weren't created in original sin, we were created in original glory and that fundamental truth is too easily forgotten.

Music will always move my soul.  Whether its classical music without words, or beautiful lyrics written by just about anyone, music never fails to inspire me and lift me up.

Men are severely lacking in this world, but so are women.  We're both accountable and we've both failed; we are fallen creations desperately in need of grace.

On occasion, the best answer to a question is "no."  It may be hard, but it can often be the best thing for us, and for the person asking the question.

The desert, real or proverbial, is only a scary place if we allow it to be.

The past is over, and yet it often finds its way into the present.  Tell it where to go.

There is nothing wrong with taking it slow.  "Just A Kiss" should be the theme song of every relationship.

I'm convinced there is nothing more intimate on the face of this planet than prayer.  Whether it is just you and God having a chat, or you opening your heart with others in prayer, there is nothing more intimate.  I also believe that if everyone sought this kind of intimacy the world would be a far better place.

God doesn't make junk.  He doesn't give you more than you can handle.  He even takes our poop and turns it into something beautiful. 

Love is not a fight, but it is perhaps the only thing in the world worth fighting for.  The love of God, the love of family, the love of your soulmate, they are worth the fight, they are worth the struggles, they are worth your life if it comes down to it.

You can't live this life with half of your heart, you might as well be dead.  God calls us to live our life fully, with our hearts awakened and alive, not just with half of our hearts, but all of our hearts.  It brings Him untold glory. 

Patience is a virtue I'll be learning for the rest of my life. 

God's timing is perfect.  He's shown me this countless times in my life, and yet I still struggle to trust His timing over my own.  (See above.)

Love is a dance.  Dance it with God first and always.

Blogging has come to be one of the greatest joys in my life.  It is a release for me, it allows me to reflect, and by His grace, it touches the lives of others.  I pray it is a ministry, a tool He continues to bless.  I'm eternally grateful that He uses me in this way and I'm eternally thankful that people tune in week after week to see what I'm rambling on about.

We never come by stability in our lives, we only find it in God, in the Eucharist, in the Sacraments, at the foot of the cross.

Mary is the best model of true womanhood.  Period.

He is always trying to teach us.  He is always near to us. The only question is, are you willing to learn?  Is your heart open to Him?

This year turned out to be...nothing like I thought it would, but I've learned so much along the way.  I pray my heart continues to stay open to Him, I pray yours does too.  Remember, God laughs when you make plans; I like to think of myself as God's personal comedian.  Find the joy in life - it is all around.

confessions of the Lost...

...and, eventually, the found.

I've been writing this blog in my head for at least a week now and yet I still have no idea where to truly begin.  My usual Wednesday mini-series, be it excuses or songs, is always changing (in case you hadn't figured that out yet), and this is no exception.  I'm not even entirely sure what this new mini-series is going to look like or what to call it, but that will come in time.  So what is it all about?  Allow me to explain:

It has come to my attention that I've been I am lost.  The last few months my blogs have felt forced, for lack of a better word.  I haven't really felt them in my soul as I once did when I started in this little blogging adventure.  Despite the fact that they still have an effect on people, that people still get something out of them (the credit for that goes entirely to God), I haven't truly felt them and up until recently I wasn't sure why.  Quite frankly, it took a bit of a two-by-four to my head to get me to realize why I've been struggling for months with blogging and with so many other things in my life (and how wonderful it was, in a way, to realize that all of my struggles are connected to one crucial struggle - more on that tale in the coming weeks).  I'll credit my epiphany to two sources: Mr. Irish and myself.  He and I were talking recently about a number of things when he reminded me of the retreat we reconnected on this summer.  During that retreat I gave a talk, or a meditation as we call them and he said that while he watched me give that meditation I was so sure of my self, so strong, so confident - and that was what attracted him to me in the first place.  Note the past tense - all of those are characteristics I seem to have lost.  I must stop sugar-coating this: I am not yet found, I have not yet regained all of those wonderful characteristics about me and if you think I have then I've been faking it, they haven't come from the inner-depths of my soul.

He said all of that and it sounded nice and in my head I laughed because I really didn't think of myself as any of those things, I was just...me.  Then, by sheer dumb luck (a.k.a. divine providence), I re-read my "woman Up." blog.  If Mr. Irish's comments were the two-by-four, then re-reading that blog was the two-by-four smacking me upside the head.  I read that blog and thought, "wow, I used to be fierce.  I used to be intense.  I used to believe in black-and-white and hardly ever gave in to "gray" areas.  I used to be confident, strong.  I didn't take crap from anyone, I knew what I wanted and settling wasn't even a word in my vocabulary."  Then I thought, "what the heck happened to me?  Where did I go?"  The real question really isn't "where did I go?" but rather, "where did my heart go?" 

I spent a lot of time in bed last week fighting off a nasty cold, and that time in bed gave me a lot of time to think and reflect.  When did I lose myself?  How long have I been gone for?  Why has it taken me so long to notice that I'm not myself?  But most importantly, how can I get my heart back?  Not just so that I can return to being that woman that Mr. Irish was attracted to in the first place, but more so that I can return to being the woman that God has called me, and continues to call me to be.  She is a lost soul and I must find her...I need His grace perhaps now more than ever. 

Just about the time the stinging of the initial two-by-four blow had passed, the darn thing came back around and smacked me again.  This sense of loss isn't really new, it has happened every single time I've been in a relationship for more than, gee, I don't know, a day.  Sure, I am a self-confident, take-no-prisoners kind of a woman when I'm single, but get me in a relationship and suddenly I turn to mush.  The reasons, I suppose, are many and they are entrenched in the fabric of my being - and they need changing, they need healing.  This new mini-series then, whatever it may be called, are my confessions - the confessions of the lost, and, God willing, confessions, tales of how He comes for my heart and finds me and helps me recover my own fierce heart.  So here's to being found, here's to the journey back to my own heart, here's to finding God and opening my heart to let Him dwell within it.  The journey may not be smooth, but if you dare to travel it with me I have a feeling you may find your own heart as well!



[as a side note, this new blog design is a reflection of my desire to be found, to be intense, to be fierce, to be strong, to be confident, but more on that later.  May this blog be a compass for you as we all seek to find our hearts buried deep in the heart of Jesus.]

the favorite One.

Fair warning: if you are an only child you probably won't completely understand this blog.  Just use your imagination =)

I feel like I should start with a few other important disclaimers, but I'm going to skip them all.  We all want to be the favorite child in our family - or at least feel like we are loved just as much as all of our other siblings.  In a perfect world that would always be the case, children wouldn't clearly know which child is the favorite and which one is not, disappointment and confusion wouldn't run rampant in the child who isn't the favorite.  But this, dear friends, is not a perfect world in which we live.

I love my family - let's just begin by saying that (despite the fact that I just said I was skipping the disclaimers).  My brother has come home from college for two weeks and it has been wonderful seeing him and spending time with him since he's been away for so long.  However, in this and his last trip home it has become abundantly clear to both of us that he is the favorite child.  Perhaps I am the older one and I had my day, but we both agree there is more to this change than our ages or the passing of time.  It doesn't even come in the big things, but in the little things - I get sick and I'm banished to the basement, he gets sick and gets checked on and runs are made to the drug store for him and I get blamed for passing on that wretched cold as if it was my intention to get him sick in the first place (it was not).  It continues to come out in all the little things, and I could go on but the point is that my brother and I both quite clearly see that he is the favorite child.

It was funny to joke about at first, with each new little thing that showed his "favorite child" status we would look at each other and laugh.  But the more I think about it, and the more little things that come about, the less funny it is - the joke, quite frankly, is over.  So what am I to do?  Sit here and throw a temper tantrum (which, oddly enough, has actually crossed my mind)?  Complain and yell to anyone (and/or my parents) about how I am not the favored child?  The joke really isn't a joke anymore and with each new little thing that confirms my suspicions I feel even more disappointment and confusion - what did I (or didn't I) do to clearly not be the favored child?  I'm left with nothing but ill-feelings, confusion, hurt and disappointment...and a seemingly endless list of questions, most of which begin with "why"?

Last night as I ended a beautiful Christmas evening with Mr. Irish, we prayed over each other (one of my very favorite ways to end our time together, but more on that in another blog!).  I asked for prayers for my family and for the way I feel about recent events and not being the favorite child.  Earlier in the evening when we talked about this topic he told me that I am his favorite - a nice sentiment, but I'm not his child (and thank goodness for that).  But as we prayed he opened his heart to our Heavenly Father and the words and wisdom of God came spilling through Mr. Irish as he lovingly reminded me that I am the favorite in God's eyes.  He reminded me that no matter what I do or where I go I am always, always the favorite in God's eyes...and in His heart. 

As I said earlier, this world we live in is far from perfect, but there is a world that we were made for that is perfect: Heaven.  In that world God's love is so radiant, so wonderful that all of His children are loved the same (though I imagine that Jesus may in fact have some extra pull with God).  We, individually, are all His favorites - isn't that what we long for?  To be someone's favorite?  Whether it is our parent's favorite, our sibling's favorite, our significant other's favorite, we want to be someone's favorite, but all too often we fail to realize that we already are God's favorite.  He dotes on us, I can even imagine Him bragging about us.  I am His favorite, and so are you - yet another mystery of His unending love.  You, dear child, whether you realize it or not, are God's favorite.  Allow that truth to sink into your heart, permit God to write that truth in your soul. 

Father, help me turn to You with greater fervor and frequency.  Help me and all of Your children to know that we are Your favorite, no matter how far we've fallen away from You.  Your approval, Your love are all we need.  Father, I need help in finding who I am - help me and all Your children find ourselves in You, help us to see ourselves through Your eyes.  Help me hear Your heart and fill me with Your love, all I ask is that I come to know Your heart.  AMEN.

let all mortal flesh keep Silence.

As we prepare for Christmas this coming Sunday, I figured it would be fitting to share one of my favorite Advent songs.  The tune itself is quite haunting, though in a truly beautiful way.  It just kind of sticks with you, and the lyrics are quite beautiful as well!

Song: Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence
Artist: Various
Lyrics:

Let all mortal flesh keep silence, and with fear and trembling stand;
Ponder nothing earthly minded, For with blessing is His hand,
Christ our God to earth descendeth, Our full homage to demand.
King of Kings, Yet born of Mary, As of old earth He stood,
Lord of Lords, In human vesture, In the body and the blood;
He will give to all the faithful, His own self for heavenly food.

Rank on rank the host of heaven spreads it's vanguard on the way,
As Light of light descendeth from the realms of endless day,
That the powers of hell may vanish as the darkness clears away.

At His feet the six-winged seraph, Cherubim, With sleepless eye,
Veil their faces to His presence as with ceaseless voice they cry:
Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia! Lord Most High!

Silence.  It, all too often, becomes a nice concept that we never really live out.  I'm finding, however, especially in these final days of Advent, that silence is a beautiful opportunity to ponder the coming of Christ.  Ponder nothing earthly minded, rather, we are instead to ponder the blessings of His hands, the gift that Christ becomes not only at His birth, but on the Cross. 

The way the lyrics are written are sometimes challenging when you simply read them.  They are written in that poetic way that I so often hating analyzing in high school.  Now, however, their difficulty makes them that much more intruiging.  The way the lyrics are written aren't really at all how we talk, which I think points that much more to their importance.  Perhaps the most important line is the last line of the first verse, "He will give to all the faithful, His own self for heavenly food."  He comes to give.  He comes as the Eternal Gift - a gift that truly keeps giving throughout the generations. 

In ancient times when people wanted something of important to be conveyed they would repeat a single word.  When something was of the utmost important, the word was repeated three times, as in the end of this song, "Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia!  Lord Most High!"  The word Alleluia is the Greek rendering of the Hebrew word "Hallelujah" which is a melding together of the words "Hallel," which means "to praise" and "YHWH," the Hebrew name for God, reserved for the holiest situations.  In fact, "YHWH" was never said outloud.  The Greek "Alleluia" and the Hebrew "Hallelujah" mean the same thing - praise God, an action we are all called to renew as we prepare our hearts and souls for the coming of Christ at Christmas.

these wounds that Stay.

We all have them: battle wounds.  Perhaps we haven't all been to war, but we all have our battle wounds from being alive.  I've heard it said that life is a dance and you learn as you go - what a beautiful idea...if you lived in a bubble.  Life is better described as a battle.  Fyodor Dostoevsky once wrote that "God and the devil are fighting...and the battlefield is the heart of man."  Dostoevsky, in my opinion, has it far more correct.  The battlefield is our hearts and the wounds we get in this battle hang around, they go deeper than we even realize.

Recently I was telling Mr. Irish about wounds that I have from old relationships and how sometimes, without realizing it, he reopens those old wounds, he hits those nerves.  These wounds are wounds that I forgot I even had, wounds that I got years ago in this battle of life, wounds that I thought had healed.  Now, I know deep in my heart that Mr. Irish didn't cause those wounds and that he doesn't mean to hit those nerves - but perhaps they get hit because they haven't fully healed.  Sure, they scab over, but they don't really heal.  These wounds - and we all have them - stick around...until we invite God in to heal them.

There is an episode of Grey's Anatomy (an annoyingly guilty pleasure of mine) called "These Ties That Bind" and its one of my favorite episodes.  In it, nearly all of the main characters deal with something from their past, something that is keeping them from moving on, from living in the moment, from becoming the person they could and should be.  Just the name of the episode makes you think - what ties are binding me?  And why would I want to be bound in the first place?  That sounds like such an unpleasant word (unless we are talking about marriage).  But to be bound by ties, to be held back sounds so unpleasant, so uncomfortable, so restrictive and yet we allow ourselves to be bound, we bind ourselves by the wounds that run so deep.  We bind ourselves by the wounds (and there are so many) that we fail to give to God to heal.  We try to bandage them up ourselves and then move on.  Perhaps those bandages we put on the wounds are the very things that bind us, that keep us from healing and moving on completely. 

This summer I blogged about holding on and how it is often the easier choice in life.  We hold on to our wounds, often times without realizing we are doing so.  We hold on because they are our cross to bear.  We hold on to the wounds that our parents leave (though they try their best, they inevitably leave wounds because they too are human), we hold on to the wounds that failed relationships leave us with, we hold on to the pain because we know it, because we are familiar with it.  I heard a story recently from a conference where the speaker invited everyone in the audience to write down on pain in their life that they wish they could get rid of and never deal with again and then take that piece of paper and put it in a basket at the front of the room.  People RAN to get rid of pains in their lives.  Then the speaker said that you had to take a pain back from the basket - most people dug around until they found their own.  We don't want new pain, we get used to our own familiar pains and wounds.  The wounds become this thing that is simply a part of us, they define who we are and how we function.

Then I started thinking about Jesus' wounds.  After His death on the cross, His wounds defined Him.  Thomas refused to believe that Jesus had come back until he could put his finger in Jesus' wounds. 

People knew it was truly Jesus by His wounds.  His wounds defined Him...then.  True, we identify Jesus by His wounds, by the holes in His hands, His feet and His side, but His wounds don't define Him.  Jesus is defined by His love, by the peace He offers all of His children.  He is defined by His miraculous conception and birth, by His the way He lived His life, by the way He continues to guide His children.  Most pictures of Jesus show His wounds, but they aren't usually the focus of the picture, Jesus is usually doing or holding something. 

Why do we still see, paint, imagine, depict Christ with His wounds? 

Don't you think that once He ascended into Heaven He was prefectly healed of His wounds?  Why would we want to be continually reminded of the wounds that He endured, the pain He endured on our behalf?  There are two reasons we continue to see Jesus with His wounds:

1. Perhaps it is in our sufferings that we are most united to Jesus.  It is easy to give Him praise when everything is going right, but when we are suffering we can most unite our sufferings to His, and we come to understand His heart in a different and a deeper way.
2. Seeing Christ with His wounds gives us hope.  It might sound weird, but remember how I said that most of the time in pictures we see Him doing something?  We find hope in that because we see His wounds, which are far deeper, both emotionally and physically than ours and yet we see Him triumphing over them.  We see Him ascending to heaven.  We see Him as the sower, we see Him comforting others, we see Him overcoming those wounds and deep down that is the same thing we desire, to overcome our wounds.

Give your wounds to Jesus.  Let Him truly heal them.  We find hope in Him because even though the depths of His wounds are unimaginable (I certainly wouldn't want to take on the sins of the entire human race), He overcomes them.  He triumphs not only over sin but over the wounds we sustain in life.  Allow Him to heal your wounds so that you too may overcome, may move forward, and that you would be closer to His loving, healing, unbroken heart.

Anchor.

Earlier this week I blogged about stability and our lack thereof and that the only true stability that we ever find in this life is found deep in the heart of God.  Even as I wrote that blog a song came to mind, one that I've loved for years, one that even refers to one of my favorite names of God/Jesus found in Hebrews 6:19: Anchor.  When I think of anchors I think of strong, massive things that hold ships steady, even in a raging sea.  Often when I think of God I think of a strong, massive being that holds me steady, even in raging seas.  It is no wonder that I've loved this song for so long (not to mention that my favorite band ever sings it...and for that matter I'm shocked that I have yet to feature one of their songs in this series!).  Without further ado, the song of the week (the excuses series is on hiatus until further notice):

Song: Anchor
Artist: Lifehouse
Lyrics:
I stand with a blank expression now
And I can't believe myself
Would someone tell me how
Did I get here

I am walking
Changing slowly
I am chasing
Climbing closer

I know that I'll never be alone
You will never let me go
You are my anchor
Hold my hand while I'm sinking in the sand
No one else could understand
You are my anchor

It seems that I lost track of time
And I can't believe my mind
Would you save me if
I reached out to you

I am waiting
Watching, standing
I am reaching
Climbing closer

I know that I'll never be alone
You will never let me go
You are my anchor
Hold my hand while I'm sinking in the sand
No one else could understand
You are my anchor

Anchor yeah

Can you hear me, hear me
Can you hear me


I hadn't listened to this song in a while until this week and I almost forgot how brilliant it really is.  Don't we often wonder how we got to where we are?  We stand with a blank expression and we feel totally lost, completely unaware of our surroundings and how the heck we've ended up here.  In fact, that only person who can really tell us how we got here is God.  Others can fill in some details, but God saw the whole story playing out.  We are walking, listening to the story, recalling how everything got so messed up in the first place and as we listen, we are slowly changing, climbing closer to God.  As St. Rose of Lima said, "there is no other ladder by which we may get to Heaven apart from the Cross."

Then, the chorus comes crashing in...hope.  I know that's I'll never be alone, a truth we come to know only by faith, only by continuing to listen to God.  You (God) will never let me go, yet another truth we know by faith.  Even when Peter started to drown in the water as he walked towards Jesus, Jesus saved him from drowning.  God is our anchor - He holds us steady in our raging seas, even if we put ourselves in a raging sea by separating ourselves from His love (a.k.a. sin).  He holds our hands while we sink in the sand or in the ocean or in the drama of life.  He holds our hands while we sink into worry about finances or the future or whatever, He holds our hands while we sink into even more illusions of stability.  Truly, no one else can understand us like He does, not just because He made us, but because of how deeply He loves us. 

We lose track of time in our despair, in our worries, in our attempts (feeble though they may be) at control or stability in our own lives.  Life can so easily be like quicksand and we are sinking, though most of the time we don't realize it until the quicksand reaches our shoulders.  We can't believe what we are seeing, we can't believe just how far we've allowed ourselves to sink, so we ask God, "would You save me if I reached out to You?"  All I imagine when I hear that line is God reaching out His gloriously strong arm from Heaven and gently, lovingly replying, "Yes.  Of course my dear child, how could I not?  You reaching out for Me is all that I've been waiting for."

Repeat the pre-chorus and the chorus, then we seem to have come full-circle, "Can You hear me?"  The question repeats.  He always hears us.  He continues to be our anchor.

His love is our anchor.  His love is our stability, it is unfailing, unchanging, timeless and immovable.

Lord, let Your love be my anchor, today and everyday, especially when the storms rage around me.  AMEN.

dear Stability

Dear Stability,

Where have you gone?  Were you ever really here?  I'd like some part of you, not even necessarily all of you (though that would be fabulous).  I'd like a place of my own to call home, not some place to rent, but some place to own.  I'd like a husband, a few cute little kids (and of course the money to pay for them all).  I'd like a job that not only pays all my bills but leaves me with a little extra 'fun' money to take an occasional vacation.  I'd like to not make payments on a nice car, I want it to be all paid off.  Any one of those things would be nice, just a little stability in my life.  Stability, why can't you share yourself just a little bit with me?  Have I done something to offend you?  Is that why we aren't friends?  I miss you, if, in fact, you were ever here, and I'd love to be friends (again).

Love,
Amanda

Wouldn't that be nice?  I've been thinking about this whole concept a lot lately.  I can remember having a conversation with one of my bosses a few years ago about how my whole life is unstable (and this conversation is just as true today as it was nearly 3 years ago): you have a boyfriend, not a husband, an apartment (well, now I'm living with my folks) not a house of your own, a part-time, not a full-time job.  In short, nothing is really stable.  Even when we find some stability we only want more of it.  I can remember not all that long ago when I didn't even have a job, now I have a part-time one and all I can do is dream about a full-time job, or at least another steady part-time job.  Then I began to wonder, have I ever really been stable?  Sure, maybe as a child I thought everything was stable and that I was completely taken care of...though I'd bet if you asked my parents nothing was ever truly stable.

So then I began to reflect...when have I at least felt stable?  In an odd way I felt stable this summer.  Sure, I had no job, but I had God and I had (yes, I do mean past tense) complete faith that He was going to take care of me.  [Ah, the ebbing and flowing of faith.  When I have nothing left, it is easier somehow to trust God.  But the second I get a little illusion of control over my life, trusting Him becomes infinitely harder.]  Why did I feel stable?  Because I had Stability.  God, I've come to realize, is the only stable thing in this world.  We get an apartment and we want a house, we get a house and we want a bigger one.  We get a car that runs and we want one with power windows, we get a car with power windows and we want one with four wheel drive.  We find an amazing boyfriend and we want a fiancé, we find a fiancé and we want a husband, we find a husband and we want kids.  If you give a mouse a cookie called the illusion of stability, the mouse is only going to want to eat all of the cookies in that imaginary jar of stability cookies.  God, in His infinite wisdom, only ever gives us the illusion of stability, the illusion of control over our own lives for only in Him can we find true stability.  If He actually gave us true, unwavering stability and/or control over our own lives we would be...Him.  I'd like a little more control over my life, but I certainly don't want to be God.  I'll stick with things the way they are if my only other option is being God, thank you very much. 

Then, it hit me: we are made for Heaven.  Simple, sure, and yet so easy to forget.  We are created in the image of God, and therefore in the image of stability.  God is perfect; He neither needs nor wants for anything.  We are a reflection of stability, but we aren't the true image, we aren't stability, nor can we create it.  Reflections can't create something solid - that's like saying that your reflection in the water can lift a stone.  Reflections can only create more reflections, more watered down versions of themselves.  When we try to bring about stability in our own lives (and apart from God) we only create and even more diluted illusion or reflection of stability.  We need Him to create stability for us.  We are made to long for the fullness that we lack.  We are made to hunger for the stability we can only ever find in Heaven, in God Himself.  The more I reflect on all the things I want the more convinced I am that everything I want can be found in God.  He might not build me a nice house, complete with a husband and kids and buckets of money, but He will rest my heart.  He will hold my heart and fill it with His peace until the time comes when He calls me Home and we can all rest in eternal stability.  Until that day comes in all of its glory, I'll do my best to rest my heart in the only stability I've ever found in this world: the Eucharistic heart of Jesus. 

not really Ready.

Break-up excuse: I'm not really ready for...commitment.

Why it sucks in human relationships: Let's face it, commitment may as well be a four-letter word in many relationships.  I'm going to go ahead and blog on this assumption: this line comes out after an undetermined period of dating, whether or not that's exclusive.  It doesn't came after the first or second date, but after at least a month of dating.  Therefore, this excuse sucks because there has been some premise, some idea that these dates were actually going "somewhere", i.e. an actual exclusive dating relationship, engagement, marriage, you decide.  We get our hearts sucked in and start falling for this person only to be seemingly blind-sided by their lack of readiness for commitment.  Or, even more devastatingly, this wretched line comes after months and months of exclusive dating, leading one to believe that commitment actually is a possibility, when apparently it was never even part of the long-run deal.  I've also heard this excuse translates to "I'm not ready to commit because I want to get more from you, or from other people before I commit.  Feel free to wait around and pine for me until I'm ready to commit to you...which may, in fact, never happen."

Why it sucks when using it with God: I can almost hear God laughing at the mere thought of this excuse being used on Him.  I don't really think of God as a mean, vindictive bully in the playground, but somehow I can just hear Him laughing at this excuse.  We aren't ready for commitment?  HELLO!  He sent His ONLY Son to die for us, to literally lay down His life for us and we aren't ready to commit ourselves to Him?  Goodness gracious, what more are we looking for from God?  It sucks because, on some level, we aren't ready to commit because we think we could get more out of God if we hold out just a little longer.  Besides, what gives us the audacity to ask more from God than He has already given us?

Why this excuse doesn't work on God: See above.  I can hear Him laughing.  It doesn't work on Him because He has already committed to us.  I once heard Mark Hall (of Casting Crowns) give his testimony and how he realized that God doesn't need us.  Ouch?  Just wait.  God doesn't need us, but He wants us.  I'd rather be wanted than needed - need can so easily turn into use, which, as Blessed Pope John Paul II once said, is the opposite of love.  God wants us to commit to Him and like I've said all along through out this series, God will keep waiting for us - He's got eternity, remember?

How to move on: Pray.  Take a moment, a second even, to ask God to show you how much He loves you.  When (yes, when, not if) you become overwhelmed by His love for you, commit to Him.  It doesn't have to be at some showy altar call or some epic facebook status about how much you love God, do it in your heart.  Jesus tells us, in the Gospel according to Matthew, "But when you pray, go to your inner room, close the door, and pray to your Father in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will repay you" (6:6).  Let your commitment to Him be in your heart, deep in your heart.  Then, live from the depths of your heart and allow His love to radiate through you.

"Dear Jesus, Help me to spread Your fragrance everywhere I go.  Flood my soul with Your spirit and life.  Penetrate and possess my whole being so utterly, that my life may only be a radiance of Yours.  Shine through me, and be so in me that every soul I come in contact with my feel Your presence in my soul.  Let them look up and see no longer me, but only You, my Jesus.  Stay with me and then I shall being to shine as You shine, so to shine as a light to all" -Cardinal Newman...adapted by Blessed Mother Teresa

diving In.

It never ceases to amaze me just how many similarities there are between my relationship with Mr. Irish and my relationship with God.  In my mind those continuing similarities are only further proof that marriage is indeed a beautiful vocation, no less important than religious life or priesthood, as many people often think.  In fact, often times it is because of my relationship (and the lovely little things that happen therein) with Mr. Irish that make me realize certain things about my relationship to God. 

We, as humans, are afraid to actually dive in.  We always want to know where all of the escapes are, how to get to them, how to open all the hatches, and how fast we can run away.  We do it with everything: how long is my lease on my apartment?  How long do I have to make car payments for?  How long must I sit through this class?  How long is the marriage preparation process?  What is the least amount of work I can do and still pass this class or keep my job?  We are constantly aware of how far away the "finish line" is, whether its the end of the semester, the end of the year, the end of the season or whatever else it may be, we are aware of it.  And that awareness often times keeps us from diving in.  We know that Christmas is coming soon, so why dive in to Advent?  We know that Jesus comes back from the dead, so what is the point of Lent?  We fear the depths of the ocean...we would rather just get our feet wet.  We'd rather give up a little something for Lent instead of challenging ourselves; we'd rather get swept up in the hustle and bustle of the holidays rather than slow down and prepare for the coming of Christ.  After all, no one else seems to be diving in, so the waters remain cold and we don't want to freeze...we'll just get our toes wet, thank you very much.

I could ramble on in vague ways about these similarities in these relationships, but I always love a good, concrete example - something I can really wrap my head around.  Take this weekend for example: Mr. Irish challenged me to really be in the relationship, especially the more serious we get.  I resisted...at first.  We (I'm talking more about "we" as humans, not so much "we" Mr. Irish and I) get comfortable in our way of life, in our friends, in the way we like to do things and we don't want to go any deeper for fear of...drowning?  We all have our fears, and they are different for each one of us, but they are all there.  Then I realized that this same fear, this same resistance is quite similar to the resistance we all experience at one point or another with God.  I didn't resist Mr. Irish's challenge because I don't love him (because I truly do love him), rather, I resisted it because I'm afraid of going deeper - its unknown, uncharted territory.  The same is true in my relationship with God, I reach this nice, happy place with God and I want to rest.  I think I've reached a mountain top, when, in truth, I'm only on a plateau, the mountain is still before me.  We fear really diving in with God because we don't know what lies in those waters...the lochness monster perhaps?  As a good friend once told me, "you can't keep asking for God to deepen your faith and then complain when you feel yourself drowning."  Such a statement is true in both relationships: I've blogged and talked and prayed about a relationship that would challenge me and push me to holiness - why would I resist when, thanks be to God, I've been given just that?  At the same time, I'm always praying that God would dwell more richly in my heart, would take me deeper into His unending love - how can I continue to rest on this plateau when a mountain of Love stands before me, begging me to climb it?

It seems to me at this point, that in both relationships, I have three options:

1. Sit on the plateau, refuse to move, go deeper, climb the mountain or do anything at all.
2. Climb down the mountain and give up all together.
3. Dive in and climb the mountain (and yes, I understand diving in and climbing are moving in two different directions, but you catch my drift.)

Any of those are fine options - I could go with any one of them, but when I break it down, there really is only one option.  If I sit on the plateau and refuse to move that is about as much good as a surgeon cutting into someone and then walking away without bothering to finish the surgery.  Why come all this way only sit like a bump on a log?  What is the point in asking for depth, for sincerity, for committment in my relationships and then laughing in it's face when it comes?

If I started to climb down the mountain, what good would that do?  So I came all this way for nothing?  What happens when I get halfway down and I realize that I want to go back up?  Then I'm walking the same path over again, what a waste.  If I walked away from either relationship I know I would be breaking my own heart...and someone else's.  I'm not a quitter...neither Mr. Irish nor God (though both in obviously different ways) have never given up on me so who am I to just quit on them?

That leaves me the with last option...keep climbing.  I come back to one of my favorite lines from "Zombieland" when Woody Harrelson's character says, "nut up or shut up."  It is comical and yet so true - we have to get off the fence, we have to dive in if we ever want to find true happiness.  We have to set aside time in Advent to be still, to be calm, to prepare for the coming of Christ.  We have to set aside time in Lent to be somber people, to prepare for Holy Week, to prepare for the death of Christ, not just His Resurrection.  If I sit on the plateau, if I get caught up in the holiday rush then I may never be truly happy.  Oh, sure, I might think that I've found happiness, but I haven't.  I found contentment, but I haven't found joy, I haven't found peace that fills my heart and soul, I haven't found Him at all.  Don't be like all of the other apostles in the boat, be like St. Peter, though he may have been afraid of drowning, that fear didn't keep him from walking on the water to be with Jesus.  Don't let the fear of drowning, or the size of the mountain, or the risk of heartbreak keep you from going deeper, from climbing, or from letting your heart truly fall.  The glory of the depths of the ocean, the top of the mountain and true love are worth all the risks; let yourself believe in happily ever after.  Amen.

not good Enough.

Break-up excuse: I'm not good enough for you, not worthy enough/you are too good for me.

Why it sucks in human relationships: This excuse can come in many forms, only a few of which are listed above, but any of its various forms/verbiage aren't fun, whether you are using this excuse or it is being used on you.  It sucks because if you are the one using it, you are selling yourself short.  If you are the one its being used on then you probably feel as though you are being put on a pedastal and you have no idea how you got there.  After all, you are human and not perfect either, how can you be "too good" for someone?  It just puts you in an odd place and you don't know how to rectify the notion of being "too good" or "too holy".

Why it sucks when using it with God: Because we aren't good enough for Him.  He is too good for us.  True, we are made in His image, but is a reflection ever as good or as beautiful as the original?  Is there any copy of the Mona Lisa as astonishing as the original?  Nope.  He, in Truth, is perfection itself - how could we ever measure up to such perfection?  (These, by the way...or btdubbs if you prefer, are all the lies that Satan tells us, and that we all too easily buy in to, but more on that in a moment.)

Why this excuse doesn't work on God: Because, by His grace, we ARE worthy.  Maybe its just the truth that I need to hear most in my life, but you are worthy...hence worthy of Agape.  No matter where I go in my life or the struggles I have, this is the Truth that I always come back to (and thanks be to God, the truth that Mr. Irish constantly reminds me of).  You are amazing.  You are a wonder.  God marvels at YOU.  He didn't just create Adam and Eve and say that they were good, that's it, the end.  He created you and me and He said that it was GOOD when He created each and every one of us.  Sure, you are but a reflection of God, but you are a beautiful one, inside and out.  The Saints and the Prophets all wondered at the beauty of God.  Scripture tells us that no one can behold or see the majesty of God and live - it is only because we are reflections that we can live.  With a God that wonderously beautiful, who wouldn't want to be even just the tiniest reflection of such a magnificient beauty?  The Mona Lisa, even if it is a copy, is a beautiful painting.  Look at an image of The Prodigal Son by Rembrandt and you'll see its beauty - copy or not.  We are all images of God, reflections of Him and therefore we all point back to Him.  Seeing a copy of The Prodigal Son only makes me want to see the original - the same is true with love, for God is Love.

How to move on: You are a wonder.  You are worthy.  Never, ever, even for a second, forget or doubt those truths.  Believe me when I say that even in the most amazing relationships it is tempting to walk away and say, "you are too good for me" or "I'm not worthy of you" or "I don't deserve someone as amazing as you".  Trust me, I'm 99.9% sure you'll have those thoughts even when you find your soulmate.  But I've come to realize that we have those thoughts for a reason: they are a call to depend more deeply, more intimately on Christ, on His grace and His love.  Mr. Irish is no doubt wonderful, but he is only a reflection of God and loving him challenges me to love Him more.  Seeing the love that Mr. Irish has for me only makes me want to see The Original more because the love that He has for me is deeper...it is eternal, it has always been there and will always be there.  (This is not to say that the love Mr. Irish has for me isn't eternal, but it hasn't always been there, because we exist in time whereas the love that God has for us it outside of time.  Confused?  Check out C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity for a great explanation of God being outside of time.)
So how do you move on? 
In human relationships: Remember that you are amazing.  That even though, from time to time (or even for really long periods of time) you feel unworthy or not good enough, know that by His grace you are.  Recognize that those feelings of unworthiness point to our lack of God.  Our "God tank", much like our gas tanks in our cars, are running on low.  Cling to God, ask Him to show you how much He loves you and how worthy He sees you as and I can promise you that your human relationships will improve.
In your relationship with God: Sit in silence with God.  Let yourself be loved.  That last one is SO much easier said than done...in human relationships, but especially in your relationship with God.  Allow Him to shower you with His love.  Ask Him to show you what He loves about you and believe me, He will.  It will blow your mind.  Look at The Prodigal Son painting by Rembrandt and imagine yourself as the son being embraced by God.  You are worthy.  God doesn't hate His own creation, His own children - let Him write His love deeply on your heart and soul.

"The devil will try to upset you by accusing you of being unworthy of the blessings that you have received. Simply remain cheerful and do your best to ignore the devil's nagging. If need be even laugh at the absurdity of the situation. Satan, the epitome of sin itself, accuses you of unworthiness! When the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his future!" -St. Theresa of Avila
Christ Jesus, You alone know how unworthy we feel at times.  You know how we feel as though we just aren't good enough, for Your love or any other kind of love.  Help us to be washed clean of these lies that we buy into from Satan, that we are somehow not good enough, nor will we ever be.  Speak into our hearts, into our souls, speak Your love into our lives so that we may never doubt how amazing and worthy we are because of Your sacrifice.  AMEN.

oh, the Waiting.

What are you waiting for?

I'll ask it again, but this time, really think about it...what are you waiting for?

This is the exact same question the priest asked this weekend as I sat at Mass.  The first time he asked it I started coming up with the (never-ending) list of things I'm waiting for: upcoming events, i.e. graduations, Christmas parties of all kinds of varieties, Christmas itself, the new year, weddings, job security, you name it, I'm probably waiting for it.  Then the priest asked us again, "what are you waiting for?"  So...I just kept thinking of more things I want to happen, more that I would love to someday acquire and the list kept going.

Then he asked again, "what are you waiting for?"  You might think at this point that this was going to be a boring homily since the priest just kept asking the same question over and over again.  But goodness knows my brain can be quite the dense place to be, but it finally hit me.  And for that matter, I'd guess I'm not the only one with a dense brain...so if you are in the Dense Brain camp, I'll let you in on what I realized/the priest finally explained: Welcome to Advent, folks - it is a season of waiting. 

I hate waiting.  Patience is a virtue that I don't possess...even though God is constantly trying to teach it to me.  Patience and I aren't friends or even acquaintances and I've never been shy about that.  I've even written a few blogs about my complete lack of patience, and not just in certain matters (i.e. Mr. Wonderful to show up, my dream job to fall in my lap, etc.).  I love Advent, but I hate waiting in general.  I don't like waiting in line for confession, I don't like sitting in traffic, I don't like waiting in lines in stores when I go shopping, I don't like waiting for my paycheck to hit the bank...I just don't like it, which is why it was so easy to come up with the list of things I'm waiting for.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the wanting of things or events isn't necessarily a bad thing.  In fact, it comes from a deeper hunger: we want to be happy.  We want to be joyful people, so we want things or events to occur in the hopes that we will be happier, more joyful people because of them.  But how do we become truly happy, joyful people?  We find God.  We are, ultimately, looking for, waiting for God...we are waiting for Heaven.  The other stuff, the material items, the events are just 'things' along the way to what we are all, deep down, waiting for: eternal bliss.

Welcome to Advent, folks - it is a season of waiting.  It is a season of joyful anticipation of the coming of Christ, not so much at Christmas as a baby, not so much for midnight Mass (or the nightmarish parking lot after Mass), not even for the beautiful Christmas presents.  It is a joyful anticipation of the second coming of Christ, whether He comes in our life time or whether we pass away and meet Him at those pearly gates.  This Advent, let us be joyful in our waiting, joyful in our anticipation and hoping for the coming of Christ.  May we also recognize that Christ doesn't just come at Christmas or at the second coming...He comes every day.  May our eyes be open to see Him.

"Light that never fades, dispel the mists about us, awaken our faith from sleep" - Liturgy of the Hours, Morning Prayer, Monday, Week One of Advent

give Thanks.

Its not a song and its not an excuse, neither felt quite right in light of the coming holiday.  Well, I suppose there is a hymn named "Give Thanks" and it is ridiculously catchy (in the sense that it gets stuck in your head and never leaves).  However, I thought it would be fitting to actually give thanks this week.  So often we get bogged down with the things we don't have, with the things we want, with complaints about this thing or that thing that we forget to be thankful for what we actually have.  As G.K. Chesterton said, “There are two ways to get enough: one is to continue to accumulate more and more, the other is to desire less.”  This week as we head into Thanksgiving and making the big meals and spending time with family (whether we want to or not, haha!), let us be thankful for what we have and hopefully learn to desire less.  Let us rejoice for the blessings that God has already showered us with.  Not sure what to be thankful for?  I'll share with you a few of the many things I've been thinking about lately, things that I'm truly thankful for and hopefully it will inspire you to praise the God who gives us all good things.

God.  As if it needs to be said, I couldn't be more thankful (well, I probably could) for the blessing of knowing and loving God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit.  My life wouldn't be the same without them.
Mary.  She is the perfect mother (don't get me wrong, my earthly mother is a wonderful and inspiring woman as well), the one who is constantly talking to her Son on my behalf.  She is there for me and she guides my life.  She is the quintessential woman, the woman I am always striving to be like.
Faith.  The first two would mean nothing without this gift.  The ability, the grace to believe even when the world shouts that such beliefs are nothing more than foolishness is a gift more wonderous than words.
Forgiveness.  Yes, confession is a lovely and beautiful thing and I am eternally grateful for a Sacrament that allows me to hear that I am truly forgiven for my sins.  But I'm also grateful for the forgiveness that I can offer to others and that they can offer to me for the times I've been less than perfect.  Forgiveness is a grace without end.
A loving family.  Even when they drive me crazy I'm thankful for them because they always support me and love me.  No matter what.
Love.  It comes in so many forms, the love I have for God, the love I have for my family, for my friends and for the extra special people God has blessed me with...I'm eternally grateful to be able to love freely and be loved.  It warms my heart.
Music.  Especially lately I've been moved by so many artists and songs that I can't help but be thankful for music, for the ways that it speaks to my heart and allows me to express emotions that I often can't find words for.  Music calms my soul.
Prayers.  I'm thankful that I can pray to God and for the saints' intercession - their gifts and signs to me over the years have led me to where I am today and I can honestly say that I've never been happier than I am on this Thanksgiving.  I'm thankful that I can pray for others and that others pray for me...its a mysterious thing, prayer is, and I don't think we'll ever understand its power until we get to Heaven, but it is a wonder to see prayers working for the good of others, it keeps us humble.

I could go on...but I think I'll let Scripture finish out the story of our thankfulness:

"Give thanks to the LORD, invoke his name;

make known among the peoples his deeds" - 1 Chronicles 16:8

"Sing praise to the LORD, you faithful;

give thanks to his holy memory." - Psalm 30:5

"Enter his gates with thanksgiving,

his courts with praise.

Give thanks to him, bless his name" - Psalm 100:4

"Then he took a cup, gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, “Drink from it, all of you..." - Matthew 26:27

"But thanks be to God who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ" - 1 Corinthians 15:57

"Everything indeed is for you, so that the grace bestowed in abundance on more and more people may cause the thanksgiving to overflow for the glory of God" - 2 Corinthians 4:15

covenant Heart.

So...I have this thing for rings.  I love them, and I probably own more than I could ever wear at one time, and yet I keep buying them.  Ever single time I go to Kohls or any Christian/Catholic store, I look at their rings and the different meanings they have and I have to refrain from buying yet another ring for my never ending collection.  And yet...I only normally wear one or two.  The first is a purity ring I got at Pure by Choice when I was in high school, its on my pinky finger and it has been for many years now.  It is simple with a cross and the "Jesus" fish on it.  The other ring I've also had for a number of years, though not as long, and I wear it off and on.  I've had it resized a few times and yet it doesn't always fit, so I don't always wear it.  Even though its a little big on me right now (thank you, cold weather!), I can't stop wearing it.  After not wearing it for a few months I pulled it out the other day and fell in love with it all over again.  I've always loved the symbolism behind it, but this week I found even more beauty in it.

It is called "Covenant Heart", which I love.  It is supposed to represent your heart, your husband's heart and God's heart, all joined together by the cross.  I literally stared at this for months before putting it on my Christmas list a few years ago, and it was (and is) by far my favorite present from that year.  However, recently I was gazing at it and I realized that the heart that is mine (I think its the one on the left...I'm a lefty, so I always favor the left) and the heart that is my huband's (on the right) don't actually touch.  The only thing that unites our hearts is God's heart...and the cross.  We are only (I can't emphasize that enough) united by God.  We, outside of the covenent of marriage, don't fully unite our hearts.  (Though its not for lack of trying...)  Yes, sure, we grow together, we unite ourselves in prayer, but our hearts aren't fully united unless God is in the middle of them, in a deep, abiding, covenantal love, not somewhere around our hearts, not in some vague, obscure way, but in the very middle of our heart and our relationship. 

But it's not just about God's heart..its about the cross.  If we forget that then we forget the reason we are here, the reason we are freed from sin, the reason we can even stand before God at all.  God's heart hung on the cross, it bled on the cross for love of us - the same kind of agape, unconditional love we are called to show one another.  The cross reminds us of the suffering God endured for us, it invites us to unite our sufferings to His.  Sometimes in our singleness we suffer (or at least we feel like we do) because we don't know where Mr. Wonderful or Mr. Soulmate is (or Mrs. Soulmate for that matter).  Sometimes in relationships we suffer because we fight or we don't communicate perfectly (who does, except the Trinity?) or we can't be together as much as we like.  No matter what state we are in, we suffer and the cross reminds us to offer up our sufferings, to unite them with the sufferings of Christ - I have no doubt it is something that will continue even in marriage. 

It certainly isn't always easy, but let your heart be united to God's.  Only if you unite your heart to God's will it ever be allowed to be united with another.  Like the saying goes, "your heart should be so buried in God that any potential mate has to go through His heart to see yours."  But be careful, don't simply approach God's heart in hopes of finding your soulmate, He is a jealous God after all and He wants your heart for His own.  As C.S. Lewis once wrote, "if you're approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a mean, you're not really approaching Him at all."  Let your love for Him be sincere and I can promise you (as can Scripture over and over and over...) that He will shower you with His abundant love.  Let your heart be a covenant heart - one intimately united to His always.

fall Apart.

Back to songs...at least for this week.  This week has already been one of the most emotionally draining weeks that I've had in a while, and its only Wednesday.  Mr. Irish assures me that it will get better from here, and I can only hope that is true.  I thought a lot about the excuse I would blog about today (and believe me, the list is no where near done), but when it came down to it I had to share this song.  I got in the car this morning to drive to work and as I fought back tears for about the zillionth time (and I do mean that, everything seems to set me off lately, even Wal-Mart commericals...) this song came on.  But before I tell you the song (unless you've figured it out from the blog title/read below) I should probably tell you a little bit about where I've been lately (spiritually, I really haven't left my normal 40 mile radius).

I've been filled with fear.  Fear about just about everything, but I knew deep down there must be a reason for this fear, something deep within that needed attention.  Otherwise, why the heck would I be crying all the time over the randomest things?  (If you know me at all, you know that I don't usually like crying in public, I only cry around/in front of people I trust...weddings don't count.)  And yet...I was afraid to discover what this thing inside of me might be.  Yes, sure, its been slowly taking over my heart, but that doesn't mean I wanted to discover the source.  Discovering the source of that fear would probably mean some huge healing was needed and in order to heal, things usually hurt again before they can get better - not something I was or am looking forward to.  Oh, don't get me wrong, the healing part sounds great, but the pain that is almost always required to get to that healing...yea, I'll pass.  Surgery can solve problems, but the surgeon must first cut before he can heal...the same is true of God.  I'm not saying He cuts us, but sometimes He digs up old wounds and reminds us that they are still there and though they have scabbed over, there is more healing to be done.  Last night I had a break-through...and if I know anything about my relationship with God, He's probably just scratching the surface, but we have to start somewhere.  And yes, the break-through involved quite a bit more tears...more than I've cried in a while.  God, in His infinite insanity (I love Him, but sometimes I still think He is crazy), took me back over some hurts that have been buried in my heart for years.  And though it hurt to go back and remember the old wounds, as I cried, I began to feel God holding my heart and holding me as I sobbed through the pain.  He rocked me to sleep and even though that fear is still hanging around today, it is slowly but surely getting better.  Then this song came on...it speaks for itself.

Song: Fall Apart
Artist: Josh Wilson
Lyrics:

Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know You when my life was good
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give You praise

Now it all seems upside down

(Chorus)
'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart

Blessed are the ones who understand
We got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to You

And it all seems upside down

Chorus

I don't know how long this will last
I'm praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing
That has ever happened to me

God, my whole world is caving in,
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need?
God, I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when,
You will find me when I fall apart.

I know I said the lyrics speak for themselves, and they do...but there is more to be said.  Sometimes our whole world caves in...and yet, we try to pretend everything is fine.  We try to pretend that there isn't some dark cloud slowly overtaking our hearts, and in this pretending we hope that eventually our act will be come reality.  We'd rather pretend and ignore the pain than listen to the tender nudgings of God that something is wrong...we want perfection, we were, after all, made for it, made in the image of perfection.  We don't like admitting something is wrong, or that something hurts...we don't like people fussing over us.  But sometimes, as much as we don't want to, we have to fall apart.  We have to lose ourselves completely in order to find ourselves in God (Matthew 10:39 much?).  Though we wish it weren't so, sometimes we take the wrong path to its rock bottom end before we trust that the other path was better.  Sometimes we have to fall apart, tear-stained shirts, snot running down our noses, make-up running, red, puffy eyes and all to trust that even when we are at our worst, even when we can't put words to the pain, God isn't going to leave us (the same is true of your significant other).  We long to be reminded that He will find us when we fall apart.  Sometimes we need to be reminded that even when we fall apart, when we can't find words to describe the pain, when we just can't stop crying, even then we are still worthy of love...worthy of Agape.

love is a Dance.

Every now and then there is a blog that comes to mind and I just know that Satan doesn't want it to be written.  I woke up this morning with this horrible feeling in my heart and the more I prayed about this blog the more that feeling increased in its awfulness.  So, here is to kicking Satan in the teeth because I'm going to write it anyway!

Ever since I was a little girl I always imagined what falling in love would be like.  Over time that image, that feeling has changed.  However, it really hasn't changed much in the last 8 years or so.  Once I began to truly make the Faith personal, God has written a beautiful image of what falling in love is like on my heart.  It isn't an image I usually share with anyone, it is always something that has been mine and mine alone.  But lately God has been reminding me of it a lot and I've been praying about sharing it here and I can certainly tell you that the spiritual warfare began - a sure-fire way of knowing that Satan would rather I just keep this story, this image, to myself.  Well, Satan...go back to hell.

I've always loved dancing in one form or another, so its no surprise that I took ballroom dancing for 3 semesters in college.  I love the really passionate dances like the cha-cha and the tango, they just look really fierce.  But I've always had a special place in my heart for the slower dances, especially the waltz.  Knowing that God knows me as He does then, it is no wonder that He would use my love of dance to reveal to me what falling in love would be like.  I've always imagined myself dancing alone, floating around a huge ballroom, blissfully content to simply float around dancing to a tune that God played, a tune that filled this wonderous ballroom.  I, in true girly fashion, am in a gorgeous ballgown that flows with me as I dance about the room.  I don't really notice that I am dancing alone because my focus is above me, on God.  I'm not looking at my feet or in front of me, nor am I looking around the room wondering where my dance partner is, rather, my eyes are fixed on Heaven (and no, my neck doesn't hurt from constantly looking upward).  I dance about until the man that God has made for me enters the ballroom.  It is a quiet entrance that I don't even hear because I've become completely focused on the song that God is playing.  It is a song that I believe God has written just for me...and in time I come to see that this song is written for my soulmate and I - it is a song that only we know, a song that we dance to more gracefully than if either one of us attempted to dance it with anyone else.  Slowly, the man comes up and joins me - he doesn't change the dance completely, but he dances along with me as he gently takes the lead.  But the truly beautiful thing is that my focus, in fact, our focus is still on God.  The person who is made for me, and I for him isn't a terrible dancer.  Indeed, he knows the dance that I am dancing and his soul joins with mine as we dance in unison, still looking up at God.  This song, we come to understand, was written just for us.  This song is the musical tale of our love story, and we alone know the dance.  We don't have to look at our feet because God has written this dance of love on our hearts; after all, He did make us for one another. 
If you've ever seen a waltz, you know that it simply flows and is, in my opinion, one of the most majestic dances.  It draws you in, and even when I'm simply watching a waltz, my heart is drawn in and is dancing along in a beautiful, flowing and peaceful dance.  It calms the soul.

That video hardly does the dance of love justice.  The way it flows in my head and in my heart can hardly be described with words, it is something you feel in the depths of your soul. 

However, sometimes guys who weren't made for you try to cut in on your dance with God.  If you pay attention (and trust me, that is a big "if") you'll be quicker to pick up on these fakes.  You'll find yourself tripping about a lot.  The man that God made for you will know (by the grace of God) your heart, the rhythm of your heart, the beat, the flow of your heart and will dance along with you, will help you grow into a better dancer.  If it is a phony, he won't truly know your heart so he'll try to fake it and dance along, but you'll find yourself tripping over each other and losing the beat, and ultimately your focus will be more on the dance and your own two feet and less on God.

Even in the times that I have discerned religious life, this metaphor for love has held true in my heart.  If, in fact, I was called to religious life, then Jesus would have been the one to join my dance.  In fact, Jesus is the perfect dance partner and in some cases in my single-ness I imagined myself dancing with Him...which would mean that whoever I was called to marry was taking me away from Jesus...so that image isn't perfect.  But if you are called to religious life, Jesus continues in that dance with you.  When we begin to falter and trip we hopefully will come to realize that we aren't focused on what we should be: God.  The same is true when we are dancing with the one God created for us, when we begin to trip and step on each others' toes we come to see that we have lost our focus.

So how can you tell the difference between a phony and a loss of focus?  Because even when our soulmate enters the dance we are bound to have a few missteps.  We are human, remember?  Trust your heart.  When you dance with a phony I can promise you that your heart won't sing quite as beautifully and even if your focus remains on God, the steps to the dance won't feel as natural.  When dancing with your soulmate the dance will flow naturally from your souls, it will have a grace to it that is only possible if you are truly soulmates.  Also, it is important to note that when dancing, the male always leads.  A good, flowing, graceful and beautiful dance always has a strong male lead - the same is true in relationships.  If the male isn't leading the dance, it ends up looking silly and awkward, so if your dance looks or feels silly or awkward, you probably aren't dancing with your soulmate.  Let him lead (as God has lead you in this dance since the day you were born) and the dance, if it is from God, will be transformed to one of beauty and grace.  Your feet will flow together, your dress in all its radiance will flow and twirl about and the man will be one of strength and leadership - it is a dance you'll want to dance for the rest of your life.

Dance the dance.  Focus on God and let the music flow through your soul and move you to a graceful, elegant dance of love.

Lord, write Your love deeply on our hearts.  Teach us to dance Your dance, help our focus to always be on You.  Keep our feet from stumbling and help us to save our dance steps for the one that You have made us for.  Allow our hearts to sing, to be filled with joy when You send us our dance partner, our soulmate.  AMEN.

just not in Love.

Break-up excuse: I love you, I'm just not in love with you.

Why it sucks in human relationships: I could write a book on this one.  It sucks because it is mysterious in many ways - what, after all, is the difference between "love" and "in love" - or is there even a difference?  This line is crap, complete and utter crap.  You love football, you love a dog, but you aren't in love with football or a dog (if you are you have bigger problems than I can tackle in this blog).  In some ways I could see a difference between "love" and "in love" but at the end of the day it becomes a semantics battle that really isn't worth any mental effort.  Someone once told me this excuse boils down to this: "I'm not attracted to you anymore.  Sure, maybe I once was, but I'm not anymore and I haven't been for a while.  And I don't really feel like trying to get that attraction back or reignite the flame that once burned between us."  Doesn't that just irritate you?  Fine, don't try, just throw the relationship away.

Why it sucks when using it with God: Instead of it boiling down to attraction like it does between humans, it boils down to something even more painful with God, "You're a cool guy and all, but I don't really feel like giving You my whole life and submitting to a loving relationship with You.  I don't want to be that open with You."  It kind of goes with this saying I love, "it is one thing to believe in God, it is an entirely different notion to believe God."  It is one thing to love someone or to love God, but it is an entirely different notion to be in love with someone or to be in love with God - it takes far more heart, trust, faith and vulnerability to truly be in love with someone and even more so to be in love with God.

Why this excuse doesn't work on God: Because its only the beginning of a relationship with God.  We start by loving Him, by being enamored by Him in all of His awesomeness, His unfailing love, His mercy.  We start there...we, God willing, don't finish there.  We are called to continue on this journey of love and truly fall in love with Him, submitting ourselves to loving Him completely and allowing Him to fill us.

How to move on: Continue on the journey.  That doesn't mean you won't regress from time to time, we all do.  But the beauty is that this life is a journey, a love story that God has been writing since before...time.  A love story that isn't complete with a simple admiration for God...it is completed when we meet Him, but in order to meet Him in Heaven we are invited to fall deeply, madly, passionately in love with Him, to journey with Him to a love far deeper than we could ever imagine on our own.

Loving Jesus, help us move from a simplistic love of You to a deep, abiding love.  Help us each day to fall even more in love with You, and so freely and wholly submit ourselves to Your love and all that You are and all that You desire of us.  AMEN.

lessons Learned.

Seriously?!  Are you kidding me?!  Both are phrases I used a lot last week as I got sucked into the drama-pit better known as the impending Kardashian divorce.  At first I was annoyed; more meaningless news about Kim Kardashian, more tabloid fodder.  I promised myself I wouldn't read anymore about it...and then I just couldn't stop reading every "news" article about it - why she filed for divorce, how she failed to tell her husband and he found out through TMZ, how she e-mailed her family before filing for divorce, how torn up she is about the whole thing, how much money she made on the wedding, blah, blah, blah.  After all, just about anybody has to admit that 72 days of marriage is a little pathetic, laughable even, unless one of the parties dies, especially given that the wedding cost $10 million dollars (I read that is approximately $138,888 for each DAY of their marriage).  As I continued to read countless articles I asked myself, what can we learn from this?  Actually, a lot.

1. Communicate.
Goodness gracious, you would think this would be OBVIOUS to most (it not ALL) people by now, but clearly its not.  Also, please understand that when I say communicate I mean with your significant other, not with TV cameras, newspapers, magazines, etc., if you are going to marry that person then you need to talk to THAT person.  Talk about where you are going to live when you are married, how many kids you want and when, whether or not you will take his last name, etc.  Talk to each other, a lot.  All of the time.  Frequently.  About everything.  Trust me, you'll find that you can hardly make it through a TV show without wanting to talk to your significant other because even issues raised in comical TV shows make you think - thoughts you should be sharing with your future spouse.

2. Trust your heart.
Apparently Kim has said that she's been struggling with her marriage for the last two months (so, less than 2 weeks into the whole shindig) and that she nearly called off the wedding.  Don't you think her heart, perhaps even her conscience was trying to tell her something?  God, in His infinite goodness, writes Truth on our hearts, sometimes we listen and sometimes we don't.  In my experience, life is much happier when I listen to that little voice in my head/heart.  If you have serious doubts or concerns it comes down to two options: talk about them with your significant other or leave...have the decency to walk away before you break their heart...or the bank.

3. Mature.
I'm not going to pretend to know Kim or her motives, but if you can't even be mature enough to tell your husband you are divorcing him, you probably aren't mature enough to get married in the first place [I completely acknowledge that there are situations, i.e. abuse, in which telling your significant other of divorce before-the-fact would be unnecessary and may even create more troubles].  There is a lot to be said for two mature adults getting married.  It takes a lot of open communication (and sometimes some tough skin) to be in a committed relationship and to stick around when the going gets tough.  Marriage ain't for the weak and immature!

4. Fight.
Figure out how to work out your differences before you get into a marriage.  That doesn't mean you won't ever fight once you get married, but at least you'll have a framework for communicating and working out your problems.  Also, figure out what's worth fighting for and what isn't.  i.e. what kind of dog you will get vs. where you will live once you're married.  Some things are important and some things are details that will get worked out in time.  Pick your battles.

5. Don't break the bank on some fancy wedding.
Sure, most girls grew up dreaming of the fairytale wedding complete with a ballroom gown, a huge diamond ring, flowers everywhere and a band to dance the night away to.  Most people I know who work in the marriage industry/ministry will tell you that the couples that get married and their wedding focuses more on the love and less on the details are the couples that, down the road, are happier and actually stick together.  Where are your priorities?

A 72-day marriage is sad.  A website that calculates how many "Kardashians" you've been together for is...funny and sad.  Not learning from others' mistakes is an even bigger tragedy.  Just like our parents don't want us to make the same mistakes they made, let's try not to repeat the mistakes of others.

Lord, open our eyes to learn from the mistakes of others.  Grant us the grace to learn and grow through our own mistakes, but also through the mistakes of others.  By this continual learning may we be ever-closer to Your perfect heart.  AMEN.

the utter Silence.

Break-up excuse: ......(silence).....

Why it sucks in human relationships: Because its not even a real excuse, its a lack of excuse.  It lacks courage and basic communication.  It lacks even the most basic respect for other human beings.  When one person simply stops speaking to the other it says that the other person isn't even worth the common courtesy of an explanation or an actual break up, or even a sense of closure.  The person who isn't being talked to is often left dazed and confused because more often than not they have no real idea why the other person stopped speaking to them in the first place.  Perhaps you are reading this thinking that the person who stopped speaking just wasn't ready to talk yet.  That is another excuse in and of itself, similar to last week's blog.  Life is short, do you really want to waste time and not be honest with someone?  If so, then have fun playing with people's hearts as if they are your toys.  The silent treatment didn't really work when we were kids, so why do we continue to use it in our "adult" relationships?  Grow up.

Why it sucks when using it with God: Because we are foolishly thinking that we can ignore God, even though He is all around us.  After all, He did create us, and the world we live in, so isn't it a little ridiculous to think that we can ignore Him?  Do we really, truly believe that He doesn't know why we are mad at Him or our life situation in general?  He knows.  Unlike humans, God isn't left dazed and confused when we stop speaking to Him...He knows our hearts better than we do.  But just because He isn't mystified by our silence doesn't mean that it's okay to stop speaking to Him.  He's got big shoulders, He both can and wants us to let Him have it...He, unlike so many immature human beings, wants open and honest communication with each one of His children.

Why this excuse doesn't work on God: This excuse doesn't work on God because, like I said in last week's blog (just not Yet.), He will wait out our silence.  We, as humans, get tired of the silence and however painful it may be, we eventually move on.  God doesn't move on, He waits patiently for us to speak to Him again.  He continues to whisper His love into our hearts, to shower us with signs of His love for us.  He's not fooled by our silent treatment, He is just waiting for us to come around.

How to move on: This one is pretty easy: talk to God.  Yell at Him if you must.  I can promise you that all your anger, hurt, resentment, even hatred of God won't hurt Him.  Jesus took it all on the cross - could you really think of anything more painful than that?  He knows your anger, hurt, etc. already, but there is healing in voicing it to Him.  It is the same in human relationships - isn't it healing to just let all of your anger out?  Yell into a pillow?  [I'm not saying you should go yell at everyone who has ever irritated you so that you can find healing.]  It is the same with God - let Him have it.  Maybe you think He's stopped talking to you...open a Bible.  Have you seen the size of that thing?  He never shuts up!  Read the diaries of the saints and the things He revealed to them, He never shuts up!  And I mean that in a loving way, but God never stops telling you, showing you just how much He loves you and how He longs for you to be open with Him.  He wants you to be happy, eternally happy!  Yes, you are a child of God...that doesn't mean you have to act like a child and give Him the silent treatment...throw a temper tantrum with Him and guess what?  You won't get a time-out!  Communicate with Him!

Bonus! Random thought/realization: when you find your true love silence won't ever be an issue.  The one you love, the one God made for you won't allow you to hide in your silence, nor will you allow them to hide in their silence.  By the grace of God you'll want to know each others' thoughts and hearts and souls.  Even if one of you tries the silence or the "I'm fine" or "I'm not thinking about anything" excuse, God will allow you to see each others' hearts and persist in a loving way until the truth comes out.  Communication...its all God wants from us, and it what we desire from others.

Heavenly Father, grant us the grace to grow up and openly communicate with one another, but most especially with You.  Sometimes we think the silence is easier than the honesty, help us to know that even though the truth may hurt, we need it to move on, to grow and mature into open and honest adults.  Help us to care enough to talk, allow us to be vulnerable before You, and before Your children.  AMEN.

do you trust Me?

In my heart of hearts I know Jesus asks me that question every single day...multiple times a day.  The easy, nearly automatic answer is "yes, of course."  But when I'm really honest with myself, I think that's just the answer I know He wants to hear.  Last night I realized that the truth is that I don't fully trust Him.  I trust Him with this thing or that thing, but not with every thing.  I was spazzing out a bit over my latest hang-up in life: finances.  There was something deep within me that kept reminding me that everything, in the end, would be okay, and yet, I wanted some reassurance.  So I turned to something that I've recently forgotten: the Bible.  Sure, I pull it out for youth group planning sessions and occasional other things, but I don't really pray with it.  So I pulled out the first Catholic Bible I ever got (the one from the Church when I was in classes for Confirmation). 

Now, before I tell you what I found you should have an understanding of what this Bible has been through.  Its the only Bible that gets a case (if you'll remember I was a theology major in college and now I'm a youth minister...I have at least seven Catholic bibles), and it gets a case because it is literally falling apart.  I'm about to lose most of Proverbs and the binding is about to split this cherished Bible into a few different sections.  I love my other Bibles and I use each of them for different things, but this Bible and I have been through a lot together.  I've written notes in the margins, highlighted, re-highlighted passages, dog-tagged the pages, bookmarked sections, paperclipped things on certain pages and loads of other things.  I once read a sign that said, "a Bible that is falling apart belongs to a person who is not."  Brilliant.  Over the years I've marked different passages so when I open it again I'm never quite sure which passages I marked last time, which is why last night's expedition into the Word of God was so...divine.  I opened this Bible because its my personal Bible, the one I always open when I feel down and out or lost and confused and it always opens to just what I need to read.  I love this Bible (not that I don't love the other ones, but my relationship with them is different).  I had a passage in mind and, lo and behold, it was already marked in my Bible:
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat [or drink], or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into the barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are not you more important than they?  Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?  Why are you anxious about clothes?  Learn from the way the wild flowers grow.  They do not work or spin.  But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them.  If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?  So do not worry and say, 'What are we to eat?' or 'What are we to drink?' or 'What are we to wear?'  all these things the pagans seek.  Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.  But seek first the kingdom [of God] and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides.  Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself.  Sufficient for a day is its own evil." - Matthew 16: 25-34

It is a passage I've read more times than I'll ever know.  Its been highlighted more times than I can count.  I've put stars around the verses that I bolded, I've underlined it and had it written down in more places than I can count.  And yet every time I read it, it strikes me, hits me upside the head and shows me just how much I need to trust God...and how much I've failed to trust him.  "O you of little faith" makes me want to sit in a corner in time-out because God knows just how much I've failed to place my complete trust in Him.  Still, I find hope in this passage because even though I feel like I deserve a long time-out from God, the passage tells us, encourages us to move on...to seek first the kingdom of God, not to worry about tomorrow...God will take care of tomorrow.  And the day after that.  And the day after that.  And the day after that.  And they day after that.  And...even the day after that.

Then I spent some time just flipping through my beloved Bible, reading over other verses I've highlighted...and there are a lot of them.  I've read this Bible cover to cover a few times so there are multiple highlighter colors throughout.  I even went through that "sparkly-glittery pen" phase in this Bible.  Then I came to the ONLY other passage I had bookmarked.  How fitting that the only two passages I have bookmarked are about trust...
"Thus says the Lord: Cursed is the man who trusts in human beings, who seeks his strength in flesh, whose heart turns away from the Lord.  He is like a barren bush in the desert that enjoys no change of season, But stands in a lava waste, a salt and empty earth.  Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose hope is in the lord.  He is like a tree planted besides the waters that stretches out its roots to the stream: It fears not the heat when it comes, its leaves stay green; In the year of drought it shows no distress, but still bears fruit.  More torturous than all else is the human heart, beyond remedy; who can understand it?  I, the Lord, alone probe the mind and test the heart." - Jeremiah 17:5-10
This verse always takes me to one of my favorite places in the world (that I've actually been to), and my favorite place to watch a sunset: Mepkin Abbey.  Its this tiny little Trappist monastery in Moncks Corner, SC with some of the coolest monks I've ever met (with the obvious exception of the Benedictine monks at Belmont Abbey, where I went to college).  Its the most peaceful place on earth I've ever been to and anytime I'm in the Carolinas I do all that I can to visit, even if only for an hour.  This place is my "happy place" where I close my eyes and travel to often.  I can't say enough about how much I love Mepkin Abbey.  This place literally calms my soul.

That picture hardly does it justice...but one time when I was on retreat at Mepkin in college I meditated on this verse the whole weekend and fell in love with this tree. 

What's my point in all these ramblings about my tattered Bible and these extended passages about trust?  I don't trust God fully...not yet.  I want to be like that tree, planted beside the waters of God's love, certain that no matter how bad the drought may be, His love will nourish me.  I want to be certain that tomorrow will take care of itself, that I don't have to worry, and the only way to do that is to surrender, to move myself, my life, my hopes, my fears and my dreams and plant them beside the waters and stretch my roots out to the streams of His loving goodness.  I want to be that tree...every time I go back it gets bigger and more beautiful - it, unlike me, remains rooted by the water.  It continues to grow because it doesn't move away from the water (yes, I know trees can't actually move, but go with the metaphor).  By our own free will, we can, and often do, move away - sometimes consicously, other times unconsciously - from the waters of His love.  I took that picture nearly three years ago and every time I'm there I take nearly a hundred pictures of THAT tree.  Why?  It inspires me, it reminds me of that passage in Jeremiah and it moves me to trust.  So thanks, trusty, old, falling-apart Bible for reminding me of that tree.

Lord, I don't fully trust you yet.  Help me, help us all to be like that tree, planted beside Your streams, Your ocean of unending love.  Help us to not worry about tomorrow, rather, help us to trust in Your plan.  Jonah didn't trust...he was swallowed by a whale.  Grant us a servant's heart that we would follow You, like Daniel, into the lion's den, knowing You will guard us always.
"Heal me, Lord, that I may be healed; save me, that I may be saved, for it is you whom I praise." - Jeremiah 17:14 
AMEN.