awakened Heart

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" - Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)
"Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life" - Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)
"With closest custody, guard your heart, for in it are the sources of life" - Proverbs 4:23 (NAB)
"Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life" - Proverbs 4:23 (RSV)
"Guard your heart more than anything else, because the source of your life flows from it" - Proverbs 4:23 (GWT)

Do you get it yet?

My heart has been asleep.  I get lazy, I get tired and I let my heart sleep.  But no one sets an alarm clock for our hearts, though someone really should.  A really, really, REALLY loud alarm clock for our hearts - the kind that wake you up when you are dead asleep and jolt you awake in such a way that you think you will never, ever sleep again.  That's what my heart needs - WAKE UP!  Wake up dear heart, for the Lord lives in you, the Lord flows from you - how could be sleeping?

My heart sleeps like the apostles fell asleep when Jesus withdrew to pray in the Garden in Gethsemane -  "When he returned to his disciples he found them asleep.  He said to Peter, "So you could not keep watch with me for one hour?"" (Matthew 26:40 - NAB).

Every time I read that passage I can't help but be disappointed with the apostles.  Really?!  Jesus is praying and you fell asleep?!  What were you thinking, how tired could you possibly be?!  Its not until recently that I've begun to identify with the apostles.  I get busy doing so many other things for so many other people, I get lazy and just want to have some "me" time that I forget about having "Him" time.  Then I read passages like Proverbs 4:23 or Matthew 26:40 and I think, "how could I be sleeping?"

Wake up dear heart, the Lord is knocking.  The Lord is calling.  My heart has been asleep for far too long.  Even when its not asleep, its certainly not focused on the Lord, its not waiting eagerly for His tender and majestic whispers.  When I was in adoration this morning I was struck by the phrasing in the book I was reading ("Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge...one of the most amazing books I've ever read).  Stasi was talking about how her heart had been awakened.  I want my heart to be awakened!  I want my heart to be shocked back to life, a life lived for the glory of the Lord!  WAKE UP!

Proverbs 4:23, as much as I talk about it, is my heart's alarm clock.  If I'm really guarding my heart then I have to be awake, I can't guard it if I'm sleeping.  Besides, if the Lord is calling me and wants to use me as His hands and feet (and He does...its really not an "if" here, its more like "the Lord IS calling", He's calling you and He is calling me) then how could I sleep?  The God of the Universe, the Lord who made me and fashioned me and not only did He make me, but He wants to use me in His plan?!  Why would I sleep through that?!  It jolts me awake to think, let alone realize that He wants to use me if only I could get my lazy heart out of sleep-mode and into follow-Him-mode.

I don't know how to put the words to it other than to simply keep saying WAKE UP!  The days may seem long but life is short, far too short to live in a half-asleep stupor when God is calling you, calling you by name (Isaiah 43:1).  Do you get it yet?  I know that I'm far from perfect and far from fully awake but I also know that the Lord is calling, its time to stop hitting the snooze button on my heart and wake up to the glorious love of God and His glorious and humbling desire to use me.

Do you get it yet?

Are you awake or is your heart fast asleep?

Lord, awaken my heart.  Keep my heart from drowsiness that I would be open and willing to follow Your Son as He calls me and leads me along the path You have laid out for me.  Awaken my heart to live for Your glory.  Awaken my heart because the days are few and there is joy to be found in rising for love of You.  Awaken my heart.  Amen.

disappointment Breeds. . . part 2

Earlier this week I blogged about disappointment and how, if we aren't careful, it can breed other things like hopelessness and anger.  Before you read this installment, be sure to read part 1.  That being said, I've been thinking and reflecting more on disappointment and have a few more thoughts on the whole topic...

In the last blog I began with a quote from Alexander Pope in which he said, "blessed is the man who expects nothing for he shall never be disappointed."  Why do we expect things from people?  We expect things from people because we hunger for God.  Some would even say that we expect things from God.  We've been given so much already and in a lot of ways we live our lives like the "If You Give A Mouse a Cookie" book - we get one thing and then we want another, and another, and another, and...you get the point.  I was telling one of my friends last night that the only Man I'm dating is Jesus and He loves me no matter what.  Then, in a perfect blend of harsh reality and a loving reminder she said that I don't deserve Him.  She's exactly right - I don't deserve Him and I certainly don't have the right to expect things from God.  Hope for things from Him?  Sure.  Expect or demand?  No way.  The difference between hope and expect is this: when we hope we believe that something is possible, when we expect we believe that not only is something possible, but that it is quite probable to occur.  Expectations are like hope on steroids, its like a drunken happiness - it feels nice at the time but then the hangover comes.  We hope for the best in people, we hope for the best from God.  We are disappointed when we expect things to happen and they don't.  That's how we get to a point where we don't expect things - we hope for them and we take the steroids out of the hope equation.

We were created in the image of perfection and at our cores we long for the fulfillment of that perfection which was originally ours in the Garden of Eden, we long for that perfection which can only be found in God.  We are disappointed when our reality is different from that which we are created for, that which we are ultimately headed for.  We are disappointed when people or situations turn out to be anything less than the perfection we were made for, we are disappointed when we seek anything but God as the fulfillment of our hopes, dreams and aspirations.  Today and everyday, let us hope in God, let us seek Him and be filled in Him before we try to fill the God-shaped whole in our hearts with anything but the One who made us.

disappointment Breeds...

"Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed" - Alexander Pope


Working at a church I often say that I see the best and the worst of humanity.  Lately, and not just at work, but in so many aspects of my life, I see the worst and I'm continually disappointed in people.  I'd like to think that Alexander Pope is right, because if we didn't expect anything from anyone or from God, we'd never be disappointed.  But it just begs the question: how do we get to a point where we expect nothing?  I honestly don't think its possible, we always expect something, even if we only expect to be let down.


Perhaps this wouldn't be so bad if we were only disappointed.  However, I'm finding that my disappointment breeds other things, it breeds hopelessness, anger, frustration...the list goes on.  I don't want to hope in people, I find it difficult to believe people when they say one thing and constantly do the opposite.  (I promise this whole blog isn't as depressing as its starting to sound...read on!)  I'm angry at people for not being the human beings they were created to be - we were all created for greatness (see my last blog), but we keep failing.  I'm frustrated at people for all of the same reasons.  My disappointment breeds and grows.  


The beautiful thing is (I told you this would get less depressing) that my disappointment leaves me hungry.  Hunger is beautiful?  Yes, it is.  My disappointment leaves me hungering for something, anything that won't disappointment, that won't make me angry or frustrated.  My disappointment with people leaves me hungry for my God who never disappoints.  Though I may not always agree with His plan for my life, He never disappoints me.  When He says that He wants to be friends with me, He means it.  When He says that He loves me, that He is in love with me, He means it.  When He says that He forgives me, He means it - He doesn't hold it over my head, He doesn't forgive me conditionally, He forgives and loves me unconditionally.  


I find my hope in God, He gives me strength and reminds me that these people are only reflections of Himself - He is where my hope should be, He is where my heart should be.  People will continue to disappoint me, but that doesn't mean that I can withdraw from them.  We need each other, but we need God more so that our disappointment doesn't continue to breed and grow like a nasty fungus on our souls.  


The readings from this past Sunday (the Second Sunday of Lent, Cycle/Year A) fit so perfectly with what I've been experiencing and feeling lately:
"Lord, let your mercy be on us, as we place our trust in you" - Psalm 33:22.  We place our trust in God, not in people.  Again, the psalmist tells us, "Better to take refuge in the Lord than to put one's trust in mortals" - Psalm 118:8.  We trust in Him because He never fails us.  He never disappoints.
The Gospel reading from Sunday also speaks to our need for God, that we would listen to Him and not be afraid - our hope is in the Lord.  "This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased; listen to him.  When the disciples heard this, they fell prostrate and were very much afraid.  But Jesus came and touched them, saying, "Rise, and do not be afraid."  And when the disciples raised their eyes, they saw no one else but Jesus alone." - Matthew 17:5-8.


Let us rise above our disappointments that we would hear His voice and see no one but Jesus, especially in the faces of those who disappoint us the most.


"To err is human, to forgive is divine" - Alexander Pope

created for Glory

"Now the serpent was the most cunning of all the animals 
that the LORD God had made.
The serpent asked the woman,
“Did God really tell you not to eat
from any of the trees in the garden?”
The woman answered the serpent: 
“We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden; 
it is only about the fruit of the tree 
in the middle of the garden that God said, 
‘You shall not eat it or even touch it, lest you die.’”
But the serpent said to the woman:
“You certainly will not die!
No, God knows well that the moment you eat of it
your eyes will be opened and you will be like gods 
who know what is good and what is evil.”
The woman saw that the tree was good for food, 
pleasing to the eyes, and desirable for gaining wisdom.
So she took some of its fruit and ate it; 
and she also gave some to her husband, who was with her, 
and he ate it." - Genesis 3:1-6

This was the reading at Mass this weekend.  In so many ways, this post is kind of like my last post - you know the hurt is coming.  You know the woman eats from the tree, but every time I hear this reading I want the end to come out differently, I want Adam to stop her, I want her to just not listen to the darn serpent.  And yet she does, she eats, and she gives the fruit to her husband.  Why doesn't the woman trust the Lord?  Why does she believe the serpent?  She was created for more, made in the image and likeness of God.  

As I thought about this reading and continued to try and figure out why the woman ate of the tree, and for that matter, why we sin, I recalled a brilliant thought of one of my favorite college professors.

"We sin not because we are human, but because we are acting as less than we were created to be" - Father Chris Kirchgessner, O.S.B.

It drives me nuts when people (and I, too, have been guilty of saying this) say that we sin because we are human, or that it is in our nature to sin.  It is not!  God did not create us to sin, He created us to love Him and be in relationship with Him!  We sin because we are acting as less than we were created to be - we were created for GLORY.

The woman eats of the fruit because she didn't fully trust in the Lord, she thought that somehow He was holding out on her.  God doesn't hold out on us - we hold out on Him.  We think that He doesn't care about our problems, our issues.  We sin when we fail to act and to be the persons that God created us to be - a reflection of Himself, of His glory, of His love.

So this lent, let us love, let us strive all the more to act and to truly be the person that God created us to be, a person of glory, a person who points not to ourselves, but to the love and mercy of the God who saves.

the ache of Love

I've been slowly drafting this blog in my head for some time, so who knows how it will actually come out...but here goes nothing!

I watch a lot of "chick flicks" and that's really not a secret.  Do you ever notice how someone always gets hurt?  Its usually the girl, but someone always gets hurt.  I was watching Music and Lyrics for the first time last week and I wanted to stop watching it because I knew the hurt was coming, after all, its there in pretty much every chick flick ever made (my roommate and I actually sat there one night and tried to think of a chick flick where no one gets hurt...we failed).  I didn't want to see her get hurt, I knew it was coming, something bad was going to happen - Sophie Fischer (played by Drew Barrymore) was bound to get hurt, it seemed nearly inevitable.  Alex Fletcher (played by the amazing Hugh Grant) was going to make her heartache, whether they got in a fight or he went out with another lady, or used someone else's lyrics, he was going to hurt Sophie.

Even though I didn't want to see Sophie get hurt, to relate to her pain, I wanted to see the story through to the end.  I wanted to see her get a happy ending, despite the ache that was more than likely headed her way.  Isn't that how it always goes?  We want to see the happy ending?  So I watched, and do you know what happened?  She got hurt.  (I'll save the painful details, lest you have yet to see this movie.)  Even though I knew it was coming, it still hurt to see it happen, I still wanted to hope that this movie, this story line would be different, that no one would get hurt.   As I do with nearly every chick flick I watch, I couldn't help but relate to her pain, the sting of attraction.  I think we can all relate to that pain, after all, its as old as time itself.  Romeo finds Juliet and thinks she's already dead, Jack drowns with the Titanic, Allie and Noah fight and are separated by wealth, time and a war, Lizzy tours Mr. Darcy's house and stumbles upon him embracing another woman, the apostles watch as their savior dies.  We all relate to that pain, that ache.

So does God.

Why does it hurt?  Why do we ache?  It wouldn't hurt if we didn't love.  Romeo loves Juliet and thinks she has taken her life, Rose loves Jack and yet watches him sink into the icy ocean, Allie loves Noah but is taken away by her parents, Lizzy loves Mr. Darcy and hates seeing him embracing someone else, the apostles loved Jesus and yet He dies.  We hurt because we love.  Please understand that in no way, shape, or form am I attempting to say that love is pain.  The pain eases because we love, its somewhat cyclical in nature.  And yet even though we hurt, we keep watching the movie, we keep living our lives, because we keep hoping for that happy ending.  There's a hunger inside of us for that sappy happy song playing in the background, that magical kiss in the rain (come on, that kiss scene in The Notebook is EPIC), that moment that makes us feel so fully alive.  We hurt, and yet we hope.

We hurt because we love, God hurts because He loves.  When I say that this ache is as old as time itself, I mean that quite literally.  This ache comes from our Fall, it goes all the way back to Adam and Eve.  God hurts when we chose to eat of the tree, when we tried to take fate into our own hands.  God loves us and yet we hurt Him.  Since we are made in His image, it makes perfect sense that our own ache in love mirrors His ache for us.  We feel hurt in love, our heart aches when we fight with those we care about, our heart breaks when we see those we love hurting - its the same in the heart of God.  He hurts when we fight with Him, He hurts we He sees us hurting.

We hurt because we love.  But, we love because we hurt, because love gives us hope, it draws us out of our hurt and into something deeper - into the very heart of God.  We draw on His love, His never ending river of love.  We can only imagine the pain in His heart as He watched His only Son die and out of our pain comes a deeper love - a love rooted in the love that He has for each one of us.

"We love because he first loved us" - 1 John 4:19

Amen.

the urge for a Husband

I originally wrote this...well, originally as a journal entry, then as a note on facebook, and now its on here :)

This note is probably not what you are thinking, based on the title...but read on :)

I very rarely share my journal entries, they are my pryaers, my thoughts, my musings with God.  However, last night, the night before Valentine's day (or Single's Awareness Day as some call it), I journaled the following and can't help but share.  And, in light of the day and the events of the day, it just seems fitting to end it with this.  May the Lord speak through me to your hearts; happy Valentine's day.

"Yet your urge shall be for your husband, and he shall be your master" - Genesis 3:16

That was the reading Saturday at Mass, when I was at the Cathedral in Rapid City.  It's been stuck in my head and filling my prayers since then.  How totally true it is.  You want to hurt a woman?  Take s shot at her relationships, especially her love life.  It's a knife straight to the heart.  Its fitting that such a phrase would come after the Fall, after so many relationships had been broken, injured, and torn apart at the seems.  The man blames his wife, the woman blames the snake, and all of them are in a broken relationship with the God who created them.  Got tells Eve that her urge, and really the urge of all women, will be for their husband, and yet, he shall be her master.  This relationship, the desire for intimacy (and I'm not even really talking about sex here) will be the thing that drives who she is and what she is about.  This relationship will be her master. 

We, as women, long for our husbands, whoever and where ever they are.  Maybe it sounds helpless or hopeless, and for some women it can be just that.  But we long for them, we dream about them, we imagine future conversations with them, we ponder how they will propose, we envision a wedding, a family, a whole life with them.  We pray for them, even from a young age, we pray for their hearts, for their purity, for the love that they have for us, we pray for who they are and who they will someday become.  We have no idea yet (more than likely) who they are, but we pray for them.  We have such a deep urge, as Genesis says, for our husbands.  Its not just a girl thing, a childhood fantasy of the fairytale wedding and the world's most adorable kids living in a house with a white picket fence.  Its so much more than the "things", its the relationships that they represent.  It comes from our mother, from our God, from the Trinity, from our very creation - we have an urge for our husbands and it keeps us searching. 

So, once we become aware of this deep urge, once we acknolwedge it and own it, we have to ask ourselves (at least, women do...I can't speak for guys here): is this a relationship where I want this person to be my master?  Are they loving?  Do they respect me?  Is my urge properly ordered?  That is, do I want this relationship because I want a relationship, or do I have an urge for this relationship because I want this man as my master?  Does he make me a better person?  Does he draw me closer to God, push me towards holiness?  Because if it is true love, rooted in and flowing from the love of God himself, then the idea of such a master is no longer suppressing, oppressive or scary, but rather it is inspiring, freeing and joyful.

So to my lady friends - urge.  That deep urge is there for a reason.  Let Jesus be your valentine, today and everday.  He is the first, last and truest husband of your heart.

To my guy friends - I pray that some lovely lady is out there praying for you and that someday you make her your bride.  Seek the heart of Mary that you might know her love of God and her desire for relationship with Him, with Joseph, and with her Son.

Lord, let my relationship be one of joy and love, peace and honesty.  Let me know Your love, let me see Your face, let me feel the warmth of Your embrace through my husband, who ever and where ever he may be.

AMEN.