we all have our Soapboxes...

...and this issue is mine.  Most of the time when this particular issue comes up I want to walk away and never talk about it again, but that is only because it was the topic of my thesis when I earned my Bachelor's degree in Theology/Pastoral Ministry.  I could write a book on this topic (though I won't), and my thesis ended up being a whopping 56 pages (it was supposed to be 30-40).  The issue or topic I'm referring to the growing separation of "spirituality" and "religion" - as if the two are opposed to each other.

A good friend of mine recently had a status on facebook, "religion is for people scared to go to hell, spirituality is for people who have already been there."  Not the way I'd separate the two.  In fact, I spent a few pages in my thesis separating the two, it is an incredibly difficult notion to define the two as separate entities.  Why is it so difficult?  Because they can't, nor should they be separated.  There's a video on YouTube that I have a feeling is about to go viral and I can't keep biting my tongue on the issue.  This guy's first video was actually brilliant...this one practically gets my blood boiling.

Let's begin with a brilliant article written by a fellow Catholic blogger called, "Why I Love Jesus AND Religion." 

Now, why can't we separate religion and spirituality?  Because we need both to be whole, to be happy.  The easiest way I came up with in my thesis to define each one is as follows: religion is the man-made (keep in mind here that Jesus was also fully HUMAN and a MAN) contructs which people follow and ascribe to in their daily lives; religion is practiced communally.  Spirituality on the other hand is the individual, personal relationships we have with whatever higher power we believe in.  When it comes down to it you simply can't have one without the other.  Your individual, personal relationship with your higher power (in my case, the God of the Old and New Testaments) should move you to live out that faith.  Faith lived in a closet isn't really faith at all.  In other words, as the age old saying goes, faith without works is dead.  How do we work out our faith?  In community.  We practice religion in community, just as Jesus Himself did with the apostles (it also includes working with the poor AND building churches).  If we only practice an individual belief in a God or god, what defines our beliefs?  Who or what sets the boundaries?  Our conscience?  Perhaps...but our conscience must be well-formed, and what better way to form it than in community, with other like minded believers?  Such an individualized belief system can far too easily devolve into moral relativism, yet another soapbox of mine...but that's for another time. 

There are so many items he touches on in this video that I want to correct, so I'll keep it to just a few:

"Tell single moms God doesn't love them if they've ever had a divorce"

God NEVER stops loving His children, no matter what they do.  If you've ever read any of my blogs I pray that you know this to be true.  No matter what you do or what you've done, God never stops loving you.  The Church never says that, ever.  Is divorce a sin?  Yes.  Can it be forgiven?  Of course.  Jesus came to call the sinners, He rejoices over the Prodigal Son, the lost sheep, He rejoices and loves each and every one of us, regardless of (and often in spite of) our sins.

"Religion is just behavior modification, like a long list of chores."

If you choose to see religion in a purely legalistic, follow-these-rules-without-asking-why kind of a way, then I'd agree with this statement.  If you see religion as a loving Father guiding His children on a path to peace, happiness and eternal life then seeing religion as "behavior modification" is laughable.

"[Religion] isn't a museum for good people, it's a hospital for the broken."

I couldn't agree more.  My favorite way of describing it goes like this, the Church is a hospital for sinners, not a hotel for saints.  We are imperfect people, made of clay as Scripture often says.  The Church, or any religion for that matter, is not perfect on earth, but that doesn't keep us from trying, from building each other, and the Kingdom up.  We need grace (and we practice it, contrary to what he says in the video) and we need each other as support on this journey.  Alone we perish, but, "where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am in the midst of them" (Matthew 18:20).  So here's my question to this guy, if religion is full of broken people like you and I, why are you against your fellow brothers and sisters banding together and striving for perfection?  You can try it alone if you want, without the help of religion, of the Sacraments and the Saints, but I'll stick to my churches and my community, thank you very much.

"If Jesus came to your church, would they actually let Him in?"

Actually, He resides in my Church...it's called a tabernacle.  His presence, His Body and Blood are there every single day of the year.  What's even more amazing is that He humbles Himself and allows me to be a living tabernacle for Him when I receive Him in the Eucharist.

"Now back to the topic, one thing I think is vital to mention,
How Jesus and religion are on opposite spectrums,
One is the work of God one is a man made invention,
One is the cure and one is the infection"

Jesus and religion are not on opposite spectrums, we need both.  Everything is a God-made invention - who do you think inspires poets to write, artists to paint and musicians to compose?  We are made in the image and likeness of God, all the good that we do in this life is but a reflection of His goodness.  Jesus AND religion are the work of God.  Jesus is the cure, religion is not the infection, it is the doctor, it is the hospital, it is the place where we find the cure.  We need religion and spirituality, they work together like tires on a car, if one goes flat it's not wise to keep going.  Fill up your tires, there's a long road ahead of us.

Strength.

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and laughs at the days to come." - Proverbs 31:25

Before I even begin I highly suggest you read last week's blog, precious Little, if you haven't already.  This week (and the next couple of weeks) will build on that blog.  That being said...

I'm convinced that there is a reason (many, in fact) that I don't write a blog before the day it comes out.  The ideas are constantly floating around in my head (I have a list of topics on reserve in the event that writers block ever strikes), though I never write any part of a blog beforehand.  After countless experiences like ones that I'll get to in a minute, I'm convinced that God writes these blogs up until the time I sit down and start cranking it out in this little box.  He is the Author, I am but the scribe (and a happy one at that).

For a number of weeks now this little verse has been one that I meditate on, day in and day out.  Last week I blogged about how women are to be clothed (which doesn't really fit with the picture below, but I'll get to that).  The next word that strikes my heart is that women have strength.  Women are strong.  I'm not talking about women being unnaturally ripped.  Women like the one below will probably always creep me out.  It just looks...wrong somehow.

Nonetheless, women are strong.  We have a resolve, a strength that comes from within.  We aren't weak.  Well, that's not necessarily true.  We can be incredibly weak, and when we are we do ourselves (and the God who created us) a disservice.  I know I can give shows like The Bachelor and The Bachelorette a lot of crap, but there is a lot to be gleaned from shows like this.  Take the following clip for example, the "Diaries of the Departed" from the two girls that weren't given roses on this week's episode.  Keep in mind that these girls have known Ben, this season's bachelor, for two weeks.

There is a HUGE difference between these two girls.  One finds strength within herself to accept what happened at the rose ceremony; she is thankful and able to move on.  She knows who she is and she has the confidence and strength not to change her core for a man, or so that everyone will like her.  The other is not.  The other lacks that inner strength and breaks down crying over a guy she has known for two weeks.  Actually, she spent most of her time on the show crying.  What is the result?  I want to laugh at her.  I can't take her seriously.  I've said it before and I'll say it again: we were created in the image and likeness of God.  We, as women, as children of God, are called to reflect His awesome, endless strength.  When we fail to do that, we fail to point others to Him, and perhaps more important, we fail to connect our own hearts to God.

So what does this strength look like?  It manifests itself in different ways, and often it is easier to identify what it is not.  It is not a closed off, cold attitude towards the world.  Like Aristotle describes in Nicomachean Ethics the truth of this virtue lies in the middle of weakness and "macho".  Strength is something that must come from within - it comes first from allowing the Lord to dwell in our hearts.  His strength is perfect, it is that glorious middle ground between two extremes.  Strength is the ability to stand up for your standards, to not let the world get you down.  It is the ability to fight for what you believe in, to go for the goal, to fight the tide. 

Last night I had a conversation with a good friend about how the world can get us down.  Sometimes you just get that feeling of dread or of depression and you aren't sure where it is coming from or how to get rid of it.  All too often, we just give in to that feeling of sadness and despair.  It takes strength to fight that feeling, to pursue happiness and joy when the black clouds of life loom over our heads.  What we often misunderstand is that these feelings don't just happen.  More often than not they are the result of a nasty little jerk called Satan.  [I'm forever in the debt of John Eldredge and the book Waking the Dead for opening my eyes to ideas such as these.]  Satan has a number of powerful weapons that he uses against us.  The two most powerful weapons in his arsenal are the following thoughts or beliefs:

1. Satan doesn't have the power to attack me.

2. Who am I that Satan would come after me?  I am not pretty enough or powerful enough or holy enough that he should bother attacking me.

If you believe either one of those things then you have probably already given Satan a power over you that you never knew you gave him.  He's a master trickster.  Who are you that Satan would come after you?  You are a child of God, he needs no more motivation than that.  If you are a child of God and you know and believe that you are a child of God then has has all the more reason to come after you.  John Eldredge says in the aforementioned book that,

"to live in ignorance of spiritual warfare is the most naive and dangerous thing a person can do.  It's like skipping through the worst part of town, late at night, waving your wallet above your head.  It's like walking into an al-Qaida training camping, wearing an "I love the United States" T-shirt.  It's like swimming with great white sharks, dressed as a wounded sea lion and smeared with blood.  And let me tell you something: you don't escape spiritual warfare simply because you choose not to believe it exists or because you refuse to fight it.  The bottom line is, you are going to have to fight for your heart."

It takes strength to fight.  Remember, as Dostoevsky said, "God and the devil are fighting...and the battlefield is the heart of man."  It takes strength to even admit there is a battle underway.  It takes even more strength to fight that battle.  It perhaps takes even more strength to admit and accept that women have a role in that battle.  Satan comes after our hearts too, after our insecurities.  That is why Proverbs says that the "Ideal Wife" is clothed in strength, she has a role in this battle too.  If we lay down, if we refuse to fight, if we continue to lower our standards, if we silence the desires of our hearts, if we allow ourselves to become doormats for the world then we may as well raise our white flag in surrender to Satan.  Haven't we had enough of being dragged down yet?  It's time to make it right.  We need to draw the line, we need to stand and fight because our lives are worth saving.  (Thanks to Mr. Irish for those last few words of wisdom.)  We need to draw on the strength of God, not only as women, but as children of God.

Tell Satan where to go.  [Back to hell.]  If you find yourselves overwhelmed I invite you to try one (or both) of the following prayers from the Saints; draw on their strength and send Satan packing.

St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle, be our protection from the wickedness and snares of the devil.  May God rebuke him, we humbly pray, and do thou, oh Prince of the Heavenly hosts, by the power of God, thrust into Hell Satan, and all the evil spirits who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls.  AMEN.  (I often yell this one out loud, emphasizing different words each time...I may look crazy but sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.)

"Shudder, tremble, be afraid, depart, be utterly destroyed, be banished! You who fell from heaven and together with the all evil spirits: every evil spirit of lust, the spirit of evil...an imaginative spirit, an encountering spirit...or one altering the mind of man. Depart swiftly from this creature of the Creator Christ our God! And be gone from the servant/handmaid of God (insert name here), from his/her mind, from his/her soul, from his/her heart, from his/her reins, from his/her senses, from all his/her members, that he/she might become whole and sound and free, knowing God." - St. John Chrysostom
The above prayer is a shortened form of a prayer often used in exorcisms (sounds like strength to me!), the full text of the prayer can be found here.

Be strong children of God, the mighty God of the Universe seeks to dwell in your hearts.

wintery Metaphors.

This morning I got out to my car to head to morning Mass and found that my windshield had ice all over it.  And I was already running five minutes late.  Admittedly that isn't that late for some folks, but for me it is extremely late.  I knew the defrost wouldn't warm up in time, so even though I didn't have my gloves, I sucked it up and scraped the ice off.  But I did a crappy job - there were still huge chunks of windshield that I couldn't really see out of.  Sure, I could have done a better job and been even later, or I could have just let the defroster finish up the job (which I did).  I promptly got in my car, blasted the defrost and away I went.

As I drove and waited for the car and the defroster to warm up, I struggled to focus.  [I'm a good driver, I promise, and no one was injured on my trek to Mass this morning.  There is a point to this blog that, at this point, only seems to be about my laziness and crappy driving habits...I promise there is a point.]  My focus constantly flashed back and forth between the icy parts of my windshield and the road that lay before me.  The longer it took the ice at the top of my windshield to melt, the more obsessed I became with the ice.  I'd flick the wipers on to no avail.  I'd kick the defrost up a notch...to no avail.  I just wanted that darn ice gone from my view!  Eventually, the ice cleared and I could see and I made my way to Mass safe and sound.

Isn't that how our life is?  We wake up (literally or metaphorically) and find that we are late, we've missed something crucial, we missed out and we are running to catch up - and looking to cut corners so we can feel caught up in some sense.  So, we choose not to fully clean our windsheilds, we hope someone or something will come along and do the work for us.  We choose to not take the best care of our hearts in the hopes that somewhere along the way they will be taken care of.  We get out on the road of life, however, and we are unfocused.  We can't drive to the best of our ability because our windshields, our hearts aren't clear.  We become focused more on what is in front of us (the ice) instead of the bigger picture (the road).  We go back and forth between focusing on our hearts and the lives we are called to lead, and in turn we aren't giving our all to either cause.  We try to kick the defrost on high, we turn our wipers on to no avail and find we are still distracted.

Wake up.  Wake up early.  (Chances are, even if you wake up early you will still feel like you are late...wake up early anyway.)  If I had woken up early this morning, even by only five minutes, and actually done a good job scraping my windshield, I probably would have been a less distracted driver this morning (though perhaps I would have missed this insight all together.  Don't skip things in hopes of finding insights - I'm not advocating that!).  If we would wake up and take even five extra minutes a day to focus our hearts through prayer on God then we'd probably get through the day a whole heck of a lot less distracted.  Instead of constantly focusing on the here and now we'd be able to see, in some small way, as God sees - the bigger picture.  There is a time to focus on the here and now, but that doesn't mean that we should always forsake the wonder of the forest for the tree right in front of us.  If we awake and center ourselves in God I would be willing to bet that we would find it infinitely easier to focus more on the road and less on the icy windshield; more on the the bigger picture, the life God calls us to and less on our, often selfish needs of the moment.  Instead of going back and forth between focusing on your heart and the tasks of your day, take an extra few minutes to truly focus on your heart and placing it in God's hands and the tasks of the day become easier, purposeful even.  Don't depend on someone to come kick your metaphorical defrost on high because short of Jesus (who waits for YOU), that person may never come.  Tomorrow, and every day after, let's get up a few minutes early (or go to bed a few minutes later) and really clear off our windshields so that as we drive through life we may focus more on the road in front of us and follow it as it leads us to the heart of Jesus.  AMEN.

precious Little.

Chances are that if you are a woman you've probably, at one point or another, heard about the "Proverbs 31" woman.  If you haven't, read it here before you read on (specifically verses 10-31).  In some translations of the Bible this passage is referred to as "Poem on the Woman of Worth" and in others it is simply referred to as "The Ideal Wife".  Shouldn't all women be reading such a passage?  Don't we long to know what Scripture tells us about what it means to be a woman?  Surely the answer is yes, and yet I read this passage and I almost want to throw my Bible at the wall.

The Proverbs 31 woman is, to borrow the idea from Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge, tired.  She does so many things: she brings her husband profits, she seeks out wool and flax, she weaves with skillful hands, she secures her provisions from afar, she rises in the middle of the night and distritbutes food to her household, she picks out a field and buys it and from her earnings she plants a vineyard.  I'm only a few verses in and I'm already tired and this chapter goes on and on about what the "Ideal Wife" or the "Woman or Worth" does.  Yes, she does all of these things, but who is she?  What about her character?  What about her heart?  Of these, Proverbs 31 mentions precious little - its focus is far more on what she does rather than who she is.

I wouldn't dare to say that Scripture screwed up or has it wrong, but there is still something lacking in this passage.  I want more about what a woman should be, not so much about the epic list of things she should do.  Then comes verse 25, "She is clothed with strength and dignity, and laughs at the days to come."  Finally, something about her character, her heart, who she is as a woman.  Though there may be precious little in this chapter about the heart of a woman, this verse speaks volumes - and it is this verse I'll be focusing on for a while.  So this week, let's tackle the first important characteristic of this "Ideal Wife" that Scripture describes: she is clothed.

Why stop there?  Clothed with what?  Good things, but that will come later.  She is clothed.  I've said it before but it bears repeating: she is clothed.  There's something about a woman when she is covered up.  I'm not saying you need to dump your whole wardrobe and by a habit and only wear that but women need to be clothed, to be covered up.  We as women, single or not, have power over men by the way we dress.  Put on a tiny skirt, even if you are in a relationship, and go out in public and you are tempting other men to see you as a thing rather than a person.  Pretty women inspire men (actual pretty women, not so much the movie, classic as it may be).  I recently read an article called "The Death of Pretty" and it sums up this whole notion quite well,

"That special combination of beauty and innocence, the pretty inspires men to protect and defend it.  Young women today do not seem to aspire to pretty, they prefer to be regarded as hot. Hotness is something altogether different.  When women want to be hot instead of pretty, they must view themselves in a certain way and consequently men view them differently as well.  As I said, pretty inspires men’s nobler instincts to protect and defend.  Pretty is cherished. Hotness, on the other hand, is a commodity.  Its value is temporary and must be used."

Would you rather be a commodity or cherished?  Would you rather be cared for tenderly or used?  Isn't that somewhat like asking, "would you rather live in a palace and feast or live in a box in the streets and starve?"  Isn't the answer obvious?  There really is something about being pretty versus being hot.  Heat is fleating, it can turn cold over time, beauty is eternal.  I was talking with one of my female friends about this idea and we both said that we can remember a time in our lives where we wanted to be hot, because after all "hot" was ironically the "cool" thing to be.  However, we were both thankful that such a time has passed - we aspire to be beautiful now.  So what makes a girl hot?

Apparently, low-cut dresses that allow "the girls" room to breathe.  And be seen.  By everyone.

Also, a silly laugh at all of his lame jokes makes you "hot" too.

Or, perhaps, just a short dress to show off those legs of yours.

So here's my advice: if you want to be a real woman, a godly woman, clothe yourself.  If you want to attract a guy (or perhaps more accurately a boy), then by all means, dress "hot" or even "hott".  But I can almost guarantee you that in his eyes, your hotness will fade and he'll quickly move on to some other "hot" thing (thing, not person).  Chances are that if he sees your beauty, a beauty that comes from the self-confidence that allows you to say (more with your choice of clothes than your mouth), "there is a beauty that comes from within me, there is something mysterious and intriguing about me and I don't need to lower my standards by showing you all of my skin just to attract your superficial and fleeting attention" then he'll stick around, his attraction to you will be deeper than your looks.  Clothing yourself, covering yourself up doesn't say "I'm ugly" or "I don't think I'm hot" it says, "I'm something worth fighting for - I'm a rarity in the world today and I actually value myself as a person, not just a thing to be used and thrown away."  Think of what is rare in the world, rare and precious: diamonds, gold, silver, rubies, sapphires - beautiful things.  Think of what is commonplace in the world: plastic, paper, yarn, string.  The rare things, the precious things hold the world together - they are sought after and adored.  The commonplace things are fleeting and are thrown away with yesterday's news.  Which would you rather be?  Ask yourself honestly, would you rather a guy call you hot or beautiful?  I'd rather be deemed as "full of beauty" and I pray you do too.

the Poison.

"Pride is the poison in every other virtue" - G.K. Chesterton

You would think by now I would have learned.  The last few times I've asked Mr. Irish what I should blog about he usually responds that he doesn't know.  Last night he told me to blog about tomatoes.  However, within an hour or two of asking him some conversation comes up, some issue surfaces, some nerve gets hit, some insecurity revealed and suddenly we both know what it is I have to blog about.  Perhaps I should just stop asking him...or perhaps I should be more grateful that God continues to heal my heart (painful though it may be at times).  But, no matter.  Last night, and today, and perhaps every day, the issue is pride.

I first heard that quote of Chesterton's at Theology on Tap last year when this guy did an hour long impersonation of Chesterton.  It is a brilliant, and true quote.  You could even take out the last half of it and it would still have oodles of wisdom in it, yes, oodles.  Pride is the poison.  Pride is THE poison.  Pride is the reason for the Fall.  Its the reason for sin.  Father Chris Kirchgessner (one of my favorite monks in college) once said that all sin is idolatry.  What exactly is idolatry?  Excessive or blind adoration.  Worship of anything but the one true God.  And what do we as humans love and worship more than God?  Ourselves. 

We weren't created this way, you must understand.  We were created in glory.  We were made to live in Eden, to be with God all the time.  Then pride enters the story and everything gets ridiculously screwed up.  Have you read any of the Old Testament?  It is FULL of tales of excessive pride.  Eve eats the apple, so does Adam.  Bye-bye Garden of Eden.  Jonah doesn't want to go to Ninevah.  Hello whale, why are you eating me?  King David has an affair and tries to cover his tracks by putting his best soldier at the front lines to be killed.  Hello Psalm 51.  It isn't even confined to the Old Testament - Peter denies Jesus, and just as Jesus said, the cock crows.  Pride is the nasty vice that rears its head in countless different ways, the tale is as old as time.

Pride all too often brings its friends along to play, and pride is only friends with other vices.  How do I know this?  Allow me to tell you a bit of my tale.  [Rather ironically this tale is not at all something I'm proud of.  Often times blogging, though I love it, is a bit like going to confession for the whole world to hear.]  I like attention.  Well, that's mostly true, but that's not really all of it.  I like attention when I'm in a relationship, and not just a little attention but a LOT of attention.  I want to gobble up all of his attention (whoever he may be because this isn't something that's only happened with Mr. Irish), all of his free time and all of his affection.  Now, to most people that sounds like selfishness, and to a degree most people would be right.  But the real issue is pride.  I think that I deserve his time, his attention and his affection.  Now, I realize that this may sound a little odd considering how I tend to go on about being worthy of love - and we are, but we are not.  We are only worthy of love, worthy of agape by grace.  By my own merits I don't deserve anything, not to be loved by God and certainly not to steal all of Mr. Irish's time and attention.  Pride, in this case, uses selfishness as a mask to cover up its true identity.  Pride is like...many episodes of House.  Often times the doctors can treat the symptoms (in this case, selfishness) but struggle to uncover the cause (in this case, pride) of all the symptoms.  Those symptoms increase and worsen, but once the true cause is discovered all can be healed.  "Pride is the poison in every other vice."

But it doesn't just end there.  Last night, in a moment that I can only credit to the Holy Spirit, I asked Mr. Irish to go to the chapel.  The Eucharistic Adoration chapel, mind you.  So we go, we pray, all is well, and we sit next to each other.  Then Mr. Irish begins to look at me with this look that I will never be able to describe, where we simply gaze into each other's eyes.  It is a look I love but last night, in the chapel it felt...wrong.  I love gazing into his eyes, and I love when he gazes into mine but last night it just hit me that I don't need to be focused on Mr. Irish, I need to be focused on God.  We were in the Eucharistic adoration chapel after all.  Pride has led me to seek the wrong man's attention; my hunger, my desire for attention has locked its eyes on the wrong target as its primary source of fulfillment.  I've been clingy and needy with Mr. Irish because I'm actually hungering for God.  I want God's attention, I want God to revel in me, to dote on me.  But how could and why would the God of the Universe revel in me, dote on me, a human, a mere reflection of greatness on my best day, and a sinner on my worst?  Satan has used pride to lead me to doubt my own worth.  Again.  Oh, the irony.  At this moment, pride comes crashing down for pride can't co-exist with God.  Pride says that everyone should fall at my feet, bow down and worship me.  God says that we are to fall at His feet, bow down and worship Him.  I'm left with a choice: my pride or God's love.

As I reflected on this whole issue even more last night I came to realize that pride not only harms the one it infects, it harms others.  Think back to being in the chapel.  I wanted to continue gazing in Mr. Irish's eyes, I love the attention, remember?  But if we are gazing into each other's eyes, where are we NOT looking?  At the Eucharist.  Through my prideful and selfish desire to take all of his free time and attention and affection, I'm simultaneously leading him away from Christ.  Epic fail hardly begins to describe the gravity of this situation.  Now, I'm not so powerful as to totally lead him away from Christ, he is free to do as he wishes, but I'm certainly not helping the situation any.  Again, I'm left with a choice: Mr. Irish's attention on me or on God.

When I reflect on all this the choice becomes clear, though not easy.  Pride, to borrow yet another one of Fr. Chris' sayings, needs to take a long walk on a short pier.  Pride is all too easily wounded and incredibly slow to forget.  Pride is the stone tied to our ankles, dragging us to the ocean floor, while we believe we are still on dry land.  Pride and the life spent seeking the heart of Jesus don't co-exist.  Ever. 

Lord, rid me of my pride.  Rid me of that voice that says I deserve so-and-so's attention, time and affection.  Rid me of that voice that says You don't love me.  Yours is the affection for which my heart and soul long - shower me in Your love.  AMEN.

looking Back.

I really dislike New Year's resolutions.  Years ago I decided they were pretty dumb and I hardly ever kept them, let alone remembered them by the end of January, so I stopped making them.  Instead, I'd rather reflect on what I've learned in a year's time.  I've come to realize once again how important it is to take time and reflect, and learn - to learn about our own hearts and the hearts of others, it is a source of great growth if we allow for it.  So here it is, a list (however long or short it ends up being) of the things I've learned this year:

A job isn't everything, but it is a nice thing to have.

Money, even in large doses, can't really make you happy.

I will probably never really like Valentine's day, and even though I've claimed to be a hopeless romantic, I'm okay with not liking Valentine's day.  After all, true love doesn't just have one shining day a year - it should occur every day of the year.

I love road trips, with or without people, they allow my soul room to breathe.

I discovered I actually like camping, not just in campgrounds.  There is something in my soul that comes alive when I'm out in the wilderness - it connects me to the wild heart of God. 

Sometimes the things we think will be great turn out to be horrible and the things we never expected turn out to be the best things in the world.  Remember, God laughs when you make plans.

There is something about surrender, not surrender to other people, but surrender to God.  It is a mystery I may never understand in this life, but it is one wrapped in beauty and love.

Sometimes we have to lose ourselves to really find ourselves.

Every decision we make creates ripples and every now and then we are blessed to see the effects of those ripples.  I like to think that when we see the effects of our ripples we are getting a peek at life through God's eyes.

The person you think you will end up with is probably not the person you'll end up with.  Remember, God laughs when you make plans.

When you find your soulmate, you really will know it, as cliche as that sounds.  You'll know it in your soul, you'll know it so deeply that at times it will feel like it is the only true thing in the world you know.  It is a gift from God that keeps on giving.

Trust is one of the hardest things in life to come by, and one of the easiest things to lose.  When you find it, hold on tight.

Satan is a nasty little jerk and I've found that just as God is preparing for something wonderful to happen in your life, Satan throws a bunch of crap in your path.  Just before Mr. Irish and I began courting there were a number of guys (and I say this because its true, not because I'm being arrogant about how awesome I think I am, and if you think that's the case, read my last blog) that popped back into my life.  Old boyfriends, nice guys, weird guys, they seemed to come from everywhere.  Satan threw a lot of crap at me in a lame attempt to keep me from Mr. Irish, but if you keep your heart open to God, He won't allow you to fall into Satan's potholes. 

Some wounds are buried deep, wounds from old relationships, wounds from our parents, wounds from God only knows where.  They only get healed if we ask God to show them to us, and then walk us through our pain.

We were created for more, for glory.  We were created for Eden.  We weren't created in original sin, we were created in original glory and that fundamental truth is too easily forgotten.

Music will always move my soul.  Whether its classical music without words, or beautiful lyrics written by just about anyone, music never fails to inspire me and lift me up.

Men are severely lacking in this world, but so are women.  We're both accountable and we've both failed; we are fallen creations desperately in need of grace.

On occasion, the best answer to a question is "no."  It may be hard, but it can often be the best thing for us, and for the person asking the question.

The desert, real or proverbial, is only a scary place if we allow it to be.

The past is over, and yet it often finds its way into the present.  Tell it where to go.

There is nothing wrong with taking it slow.  "Just A Kiss" should be the theme song of every relationship.

I'm convinced there is nothing more intimate on the face of this planet than prayer.  Whether it is just you and God having a chat, or you opening your heart with others in prayer, there is nothing more intimate.  I also believe that if everyone sought this kind of intimacy the world would be a far better place.

God doesn't make junk.  He doesn't give you more than you can handle.  He even takes our poop and turns it into something beautiful. 

Love is not a fight, but it is perhaps the only thing in the world worth fighting for.  The love of God, the love of family, the love of your soulmate, they are worth the fight, they are worth the struggles, they are worth your life if it comes down to it.

You can't live this life with half of your heart, you might as well be dead.  God calls us to live our life fully, with our hearts awakened and alive, not just with half of our hearts, but all of our hearts.  It brings Him untold glory. 

Patience is a virtue I'll be learning for the rest of my life. 

God's timing is perfect.  He's shown me this countless times in my life, and yet I still struggle to trust His timing over my own.  (See above.)

Love is a dance.  Dance it with God first and always.

Blogging has come to be one of the greatest joys in my life.  It is a release for me, it allows me to reflect, and by His grace, it touches the lives of others.  I pray it is a ministry, a tool He continues to bless.  I'm eternally grateful that He uses me in this way and I'm eternally thankful that people tune in week after week to see what I'm rambling on about.

We never come by stability in our lives, we only find it in God, in the Eucharist, in the Sacraments, at the foot of the cross.

Mary is the best model of true womanhood.  Period.

He is always trying to teach us.  He is always near to us. The only question is, are you willing to learn?  Is your heart open to Him?

This year turned out to be...nothing like I thought it would, but I've learned so much along the way.  I pray my heart continues to stay open to Him, I pray yours does too.  Remember, God laughs when you make plans; I like to think of myself as God's personal comedian.  Find the joy in life - it is all around.

confessions of the Lost...

...and, eventually, the found.

I've been writing this blog in my head for at least a week now and yet I still have no idea where to truly begin.  My usual Wednesday mini-series, be it excuses or songs, is always changing (in case you hadn't figured that out yet), and this is no exception.  I'm not even entirely sure what this new mini-series is going to look like or what to call it, but that will come in time.  So what is it all about?  Allow me to explain:

It has come to my attention that I've been I am lost.  The last few months my blogs have felt forced, for lack of a better word.  I haven't really felt them in my soul as I once did when I started in this little blogging adventure.  Despite the fact that they still have an effect on people, that people still get something out of them (the credit for that goes entirely to God), I haven't truly felt them and up until recently I wasn't sure why.  Quite frankly, it took a bit of a two-by-four to my head to get me to realize why I've been struggling for months with blogging and with so many other things in my life (and how wonderful it was, in a way, to realize that all of my struggles are connected to one crucial struggle - more on that tale in the coming weeks).  I'll credit my epiphany to two sources: Mr. Irish and myself.  He and I were talking recently about a number of things when he reminded me of the retreat we reconnected on this summer.  During that retreat I gave a talk, or a meditation as we call them and he said that while he watched me give that meditation I was so sure of my self, so strong, so confident - and that was what attracted him to me in the first place.  Note the past tense - all of those are characteristics I seem to have lost.  I must stop sugar-coating this: I am not yet found, I have not yet regained all of those wonderful characteristics about me and if you think I have then I've been faking it, they haven't come from the inner-depths of my soul.

He said all of that and it sounded nice and in my head I laughed because I really didn't think of myself as any of those things, I was just...me.  Then, by sheer dumb luck (a.k.a. divine providence), I re-read my "woman Up." blog.  If Mr. Irish's comments were the two-by-four, then re-reading that blog was the two-by-four smacking me upside the head.  I read that blog and thought, "wow, I used to be fierce.  I used to be intense.  I used to believe in black-and-white and hardly ever gave in to "gray" areas.  I used to be confident, strong.  I didn't take crap from anyone, I knew what I wanted and settling wasn't even a word in my vocabulary."  Then I thought, "what the heck happened to me?  Where did I go?"  The real question really isn't "where did I go?" but rather, "where did my heart go?" 

I spent a lot of time in bed last week fighting off a nasty cold, and that time in bed gave me a lot of time to think and reflect.  When did I lose myself?  How long have I been gone for?  Why has it taken me so long to notice that I'm not myself?  But most importantly, how can I get my heart back?  Not just so that I can return to being that woman that Mr. Irish was attracted to in the first place, but more so that I can return to being the woman that God has called me, and continues to call me to be.  She is a lost soul and I must find her...I need His grace perhaps now more than ever. 

Just about the time the stinging of the initial two-by-four blow had passed, the darn thing came back around and smacked me again.  This sense of loss isn't really new, it has happened every single time I've been in a relationship for more than, gee, I don't know, a day.  Sure, I am a self-confident, take-no-prisoners kind of a woman when I'm single, but get me in a relationship and suddenly I turn to mush.  The reasons, I suppose, are many and they are entrenched in the fabric of my being - and they need changing, they need healing.  This new mini-series then, whatever it may be called, are my confessions - the confessions of the lost, and, God willing, confessions, tales of how He comes for my heart and finds me and helps me recover my own fierce heart.  So here's to being found, here's to the journey back to my own heart, here's to finding God and opening my heart to let Him dwell within it.  The journey may not be smooth, but if you dare to travel it with me I have a feeling you may find your own heart as well!



[as a side note, this new blog design is a reflection of my desire to be found, to be intense, to be fierce, to be strong, to be confident, but more on that later.  May this blog be a compass for you as we all seek to find our hearts buried deep in the heart of Jesus.]